Good evening.
I'm host and guy loudly pointing out anachronisms at Epcot Center, Dr.
Ike Bloom.
Tonight, my conversation with author George R.R.
Martin.
I'll ask him how he pulls off the seemingly impossible.
Being a world famous, wealthy fantasy author who isn't transphobic.
This is Smart Talk Tonight.
George, I want to thank you very much for being here.
And I hope it's okay that this interview will not end
in an orgy of blood and violence.
Now, a song of Ice and Fire
is nearly 4,300 pages.
When you're writing, do you ever get to page 3,800
and think, wait, who the hell is Gorgon again?
You know,
oddly, no.
I have a maybe I'm
a little deranged, but I remember all these people
from Westeros and Essos with the weird names.
On the other
hand, I constantly forget people in real life.
But I remember a minor knight who was in the entourage
of Jamie Lannister from the third book.
I don't know what that says about me, but probably nothing good.
In the world of Game of Thrones,
Who's been the hardest character for you to kill?
My guess is fish eyed warlock number seven.
Well, the red wedding
where a number of people died was probably the hardest thing I ever wrote.
I'd been writing about those characters.
That was in the third book.
I'd been writing about those characters for, you know, a decade
or more in both the previous novels and much of that third book.
So it was very hard to write that particular chapter.
Why do you think your work has connected with such a vast audience, considering
the endless supply of riveting fantasy novels like my own unappreciated work?
Alsinoth: The Realm that Stinks.
You know, if if I knew
why it was so successful, I would have done it 20 years earlier.
I think I would write stories even if they were not published,
because I think that's something I've been doing.
As I said, since kindergarten since I learned how to write.
But, telling the stories
and putting out stories for people to read and enjoy.
That's a big, big part of it.
Like an actor
going on stage
and maybe they'll throw rotten fruit at him or maybe they'll applaud.
But you want the audience and telling the story for people to enjoy.
That's a big part of the motivation.
I will point this out.
You didn't even bother to ask why Alsinoth stinks.
The ego on this guy.
I didn't. But,
Would you like to ask me?
Certainly. Why?
Well.
Well, George, if I could sum it up in a sentence,
I wouldn't have written 3,200 pages on it.
Now, any chance you could give me a blurb for Alsinoth the realm
that stinks.
To make it easy, I've drafted a couple of straightforward
generic options for your consideration.
Okay, Alsinoth
the Realm that Stinks is the finest novel
ever written compared to Ike's epic saga.
My life's work amounts to nothing.
Also, I heard he's an absolute dynamo in the sack.
That that is so nice of you.
And actually, I think there's a backup option if that one doesn't work.
Yes. In a word. Wow.
In another word, wowza.
In several words,
Wowee,
Wowsers, and filippi Ghiberti. Wow wow.
Zoowee. I think we will go with the first one.
Now, in House of the Dragon, an elderly, feckless kings in action
leads to civil war.
On an unrelated note, you endorsed Joe Biden in 2020.
Will you support him again in 2024?
I will. I definitely will.
Well, you've said that Game of Thrones was inspired by the War of the Roses.
Right. If you ever do a show
inspired by modern politics, I have some ideas for characters.
Are you ready? Sure. Okay.
Joe Biden.
Lord, ancient.
The cotton candy hair.
Okay.
Chuck Schumer, the adjacent never king.
All right.
Donald Trump, sire of strange faced adult son.
Yeah. All right.
Clarence Thomas, the freak wived, king of frowns.
Okay.
We also have Tucker Carlson, Caucasius the Replaceable.
Oh, dear. Yes. Excellent.
Now, fans are upset with you because it's been a staggering 11 years
since you published a book in the A Song of Ice and Fire series.
Let's just bang this thing out right here, right now.
Just the two of us.
Joplin, can you please bring in the laptop?
All right, here we go.
Page one.
I did page one already. Fine.
Page two. Okay.
The main guy wakes up, he gets his sword
out of the closet or whatever.
Chops up some breakfast, then. Hmm.
What does he do next?
Well, he would have his dragon roast it if he's a dragon rider.
You don't want uncooked breakfast.
You know, George, I don't think that's what the main guy would do.
Let's go ahead and remove the laptop.
Do you know the author, James Patterson?
I do.
Well, he's published 22 books this year alone.
And luckily he's a dear friend.
Let's get him on the line and see if he can get you some tips
on how to be a successful author.
Hello.
James. Yeah.
James, old chum.
It's your old pal, Dr. Ike Blume.
Now, James,
I know you're cranking out your third book of the day, so I won't keep you.
I don't crank. I very carefully and carefully, carefully
turn these books out.
It's not cranking.
Now I know you are.
Let me say carefully crafting out your third book of the day.
That's good. Yeah.
There we go.
So I won't keep you here long.
I'm here with a struggling writer.
Let me revise that. Truly pathetic.
Who is having trouble meeting deadlines?
Do you have any advice you can share?
Oh, yeah.
Well, how long is the what kind of deadline are we missing here?
It was 11 years ago.
11. Wow. Okay.
I've heard of writer's block.
This is more like a writer's constipation.
I actually have the opposite problem.
I suffer from writer's diarrhea.
No need to insult diarrhea.
Do you use a computer or type or how do you do?
How do you work?
I do.
I use my faithful DOS computer with word star.
Okay. Well, try something else
then because that's not working.
So how many pages do you have so far in this 11 years?
Oh, like
1100. 1200 or something like that.
1100.
Yeah, it's not done yet though.
That number. Well, then your problem solver.
Your problem. Solved.
Another 400, 500.
You break down the 1100 pages into three books.
You, you submit them one and you know, and one
each year you submit three of the, you know, one book per per year,
and they'll be happy and suddenly you'll be ahead of schedule.
Now, James, one last thing
while I have you on the line, would you be willing to blurb my new novel
entitled Alsinoth: The Realm That Stinks?
Just something simple, like I could never dream of writing a novel
this vital even if I had a spare 20 minutes.