- [Narrator] What if I told you there was one habit
that will actually change your life?
And know it's not something like go to bed early
or to workout or to meditate, this is something
that almost no one talks about because it's something
that a lot of people are going to find offensive,
but understanding this one habit is the only thing
that will set you free in this lifetime.
And I'm going to tell you what this one controversial habit
is by sharing with you a quick story.
This is Ben.
Ben was born as an only child to very angry parents.
His alarm clock in the morning was waking up to his mother
screaming at his dad, demanding that he should be
more attentive and more giving and patient,
and she would yell at him for working all the time
at the office and for not doing enough around the house.
And his bedtime story was his dad yelling at his mom,
demanding that she should appreciate him more
and respect him more, and he would explain to her,
how him working all the time at the office is contributing
to the household and the five words that he would hear
his father say all the time to his mom were
"Stop trying to change me."
They both were angry because neither of them
were very happy with where they're at in their lives,
neither of them liked their jobs or their social circle
or the city they lived in, really, they didn't like
much of anything in their lives, and because of this,
they would often lash out at each other and both of them
would blame the other person for where they're at
in their lives.
Neither of them wanted to take ownership or responsibility
for their own emotions, and all they would do all day,
every day is fight with each other.
If there wasn't a big issue to fight about,
then there would be a small issue, like,
who's going to take out the trash
or who's going to cook dinner?
Or ho's going to drive Ben to school in the morning?
There was always something, and if there wasn't something,
then they would invent something to fight about.
It was just nonstop.
And whenever Ben's parents would fight with each other
and it got really bad, he would run up to his room,
turn on the TV, and he would intentionally watch TV shows
that had a really happy families in them,
families who were always laughing and smiling
and loving each other, families who were just happy
to be alive because all of that was the polar opposite
of his family.
Ben would often close his eyes and just imagine
himself being a part of these happy families,
because doing this was like the ultimate distraction
for him, it was an escape from that horrible feeling
that he would feel whenever his parents
would fight with each other.
And this tiny little escape was the only thing
that kept the sanity throughout his toxic childhood
and every night before Ben would go to sleep,
he would just close his eyes and wish
that when he woke up in the morning,
he would see a bright loving family,
just like the ones he would see on TV,
but Ben never got his wish.
In fact, as time went on, his parents started to fight
even more with each other, and then soon,
his parents started to take out the remaining anger onto Ben
and they would get mad at him if he didn't do well
on a test, or if he dropped the glass during dinner,
they would call him clumsy or useless or stupid,
and they would get mad at Ben over every little thing
that he did wrong.
But Ben never stood up for himself.
He would never get mad in front of his parents
or sad in front of his parents because the only thing
that Ben wanted was for everyone to be happy,
and he felt that if he displayed those kinds of emotions
to his parents, then he would just be making
a horrible situation worse.
But when Ben did feel really, really bad to the point
where he was going to burst out in tears or an anger,
he would simply turn on the TV, put on the happy families
and then temporarily, he would get lost in his imagination.
This was the ultimate form of escape
and all of this fighting and escaping for Ben
continued for the firs 18 years of his life.
It was quite literally 18 years of pure anger,
fear and blame.
But again, Ben never showed his emotions
in front of his parents, he always kept it in.
A few days after his 18th birthday, Ben was forced
to move out of his house because things were beginning
to get really dark and toxic between him and his parents,
and he basically had to stop contact with them entirely.
At this point, Ben's ultimate goal in life was very simple,
by the age of 40, he just wanted to have
a happy loving family, just like the ones
he would see on TV.
For him, this was the only thing that mattered.
Money didn't matter, career didn't matter,
traveling didn't matter, it was all about having
that happy family, just like the ones he would see on TV.
This was the only meaning to life for him,
and in Ben's mind, if he couldn't get this,
then it would mean that he would end up broken,
sad and alone, and if this were to happen, honestly,
then probably he wouldn't even be able
to see the point of continuing to live his life anymore.
"I guess the first step to having a happy family
is to find a loving partner.", Ben thought to himself.
So that's exactly what he set out to do.
So over the next few months, Ben started to go
on a lot of dates and he met a lot of different people
with the goal of starting a family,
and eventually, he did actually find someone
who he really liked,
and at first they got along really well.
They liked the same things,
they would watch movies together, laugh together,
they would have fun together, and on the surface,
everything looked really good.
But soon after the honeymoon phase was over,
things started to get really bad.
She began getting mad at Ben over really little things,
like if he was five minutes late to pick her up from the gym
or something, she would get really annoyed,
or if he over cooked the vegetables
when he was making dinner for her, she would act
like he had just committed a crime or something.
And then soon, she started to become a really demanding
and mean with Ben, and she would say things like,
"Why don't you make more money?"
Or "Why aren't you in better physical shape?"
Or "How come you can't get that promotion at work?
Are you not as smart as your coworkers or something?
What's your problem?"
But because Ben hated all forms of fighting
and confrontation, he would just sit there
and take all of this abuse.
And no matter how much he tried to change himself for her,
it was just never enough.
And then soon she started to become a very cold
and distant towards Ben, but when this happened,
Ben started to cling to her even more
and he would be even more attentive and he would try
to change himself even more for her
because he was so desperate to have
that white picket fence life, and one day she came home
and she looked right into Ben's eyes and said,
"Ben I've had enough of you, I'm leaving."
And just like that, she was gone.
And the cycle of Ben meeting someone,
getting to a relationship with them,
then Ben doing everything that he could
to make the relationship work, but then it ultimately
not working out, continued for the next 20 years.
And then one day Ben woke up, he got out of bed,
he walked into his bathroom and he began
to look at himself very intensely in his mirror,
and the more that he looked at himself,
the sadder he became, and then one by one,
tears began rolling down his face
and he just stood there and cried.
Ben wasn't crying because something bad
had just happened to him, he hadn't recently gone
through a breakup, he was totally healthy,
nothing immediately was wrong.
He was crying because today was his 40th birthday,
and 20 years ago to the day, he made it his life mission
to have that happy family, but sadly, Ben had failed.
As Ben sat down on his couch, he started to think
to himself, "You know what?
Maybe I'm not meant to be happy, maybe I'm just meant
to be sad and alone.
No matter how much I try to get a family,
it just doesn't work, and I'm willing to do
everything that I can to get that family,
but it just never works.
Maybe that fairytale white picket fence family
that we all see on TV is only meant for the special people,
and I'm not one of them."
As he was thinking all of this, that horrible feeling
that he would feel when his parents would fight
with each other returned to his body.
So of course like he did, when he was a kid,
he would turn on the TV, turn on the channel
with the happy families and he would again, get lost
in his fantasy, the ultimate escape.
But the moment that the TV went off, he would again,
return to his default state of sadness and depression.
Ben went to bed that night with an empty coldness
in his heart that he had never really felt before.
Life was becoming very painful for him
and he was beginning not to see the point
of living it anymore.
The next morning, Ben got up and he hopped
onto the city bus like he did every day before work.
As he was sitting there on the bus,
this interesting looking man came on
and he had these old shoes on and he was wearing
these ratty looking pants, and he was wearing
this old, red t-shirt, but he had this positive,
natural aura around him, and you could just feel it
by being around him.
This man decided to come and sit right beside Ben,
which was a little strange considering
how many other available seats there were on the bus.
"How's your day going?"
The man said the Ben.
"Yeah, fine, a little tired." Ben said.
"Tired day. Man, I remember the day I used to get tired."
"The days you used to get tired, what does that mean?"
"Yeah, man, I never get tired, never."
"Nope, I don't believe you."
"Well, I mean, I get tired before I go to bed,
but then I go to sleep, I sleep and then I wake up
and then I'm good.
Did you not get your normal amount
of sleeping hours last night?"
"Yeah, I guess I did."
"Well then why you're tired?
You shouldn't be tired then, right?"
"Yeah, man, I don't know, I guess I technically
shouldn't be tired."
"Well, the reason why most people are tired,
'is not because of a lack of sleep,
it's because they have stuff that is weighing them down,
and when you carry around heavy stuff all day,
it can make you tired
even when you have slept amazingly well.'
Makes sense?"
"Yeah, I guess that makes sense, but what stuff
is weighing people down?
What do you mean?"
"Oh, this is my stop, I have to get off early today.
Are taking the bus tomorrow?"
"Yup, I take the bus every day."
"Great, let's chat then."
And over the next few weeks, Ben and this man
got to know each other more and more,
and at first, they would just chat about little things
like their job, their hobbies, the TV shows they liked,
pretty basic stuff, but as more time went on,
Ben started to really look forward to these little bus rides
with this guy because there was something special about him.
Just being around him made Ben feel good in general,
but deep down, Ben was still in tremendous pain.
Ben had become really good at hiding his emotions
and he told himself that if he could not solve
this little happiness/family issue
in the next one to two years, then he would probably
take his own life.
One Friday morning on the bus, Ben just came right out
and asked, "Man, how are you so happy?
Most people are not as happy as you.
Are you on something?
What's going on?
"Nope, I'm not on anything.
Well, I mean, anyone can be happy.
Most people just choose to be unhappy."
"Why would someone choose to be unhappy?
That sounds stupid.
If anyone had the choice between being happy and unhappy,
obviously, everyone would choose happiness."
"What most people don't realize
is that there's a price you have to pay for happiness,
and it's a price that most people
aren't willing to pay for."
"Okay, what's the price?"
"Everything."
"Everything?"
"Everything is the price to happiness,
Like everything in your bank account, all of your time,
what do you mean?"
"Everything, as in everything that has ever happened to you,
everything that you have said, done thought,
it's your regrets worries, pains, your past traumas.
The price tag for happiness is everything."
Ben went quiet for a second.
"Well, okay, how are you supposed to pay for it then?"
"You have to understand that most people only choose
to feel the feelings they want to feel
and they choose to avoid the feelings
that they don't want to feel to the point where
they will do anything to distract themselves
from feeling those bad feelings, and the way that you pay
for happiness is by feeling everything,
including the bad stuff."
Ben sent nothing.
"Remember how I said that I never get tired?"
"Yeah."
"Well, when you ignore a certain bad feeling,
it stays with you and weighs you down
and it corrupts everything that you do say, think,
it quite literally negatively impacts
everything in your life, and it's really hard
not to be tired when you have like a 5,000 pound weight
strapped to your back in the form of past traumas."
Ben, once again said nothing.
"Okay, Ben, the reason why you're a tired
is not because you aren't sleeping well enough
or because you aren't drinking enough water or something,
it's because something clearly traumatic
has happened to you in your life, and it's weighing you down
because you don't want to feel it."
"Okay, dude, with all due respect, you don't really know me.
You don't know my past, you don't know what's happened to me
and you certainly do not know anything about my childhood."
"Well, that's true, but I do know that happiness
is not free, and that's why most people you see
every day are not happy.
If it was free, then everyone would be happy all the time.
True happiness has a price tag that most people
are not willing to pay for.
So if you want to be happy, then go to your room,
sit alone and fully feel all of those negative feelings
you've been avoiding."
Ben, once again, said nothing.
"Oh, this is my stop."
The man got up, looked right into Ben's eyes and said,
"I'm curious to see what you're going to choose.
I'll see you Monday, Ben."
After hearing all of those words,
Ben just sat there on the bus in somewhat of a daze.
It was as if this man had told him some sort of secret
to life or something, but it was a secret that deep down,
he kind of already knew about.
Be didn't go to work that day, he just rode the bus
for a while, lost in his own mind.
A few hours later, the bus had done a full circle
back to his house.
Ben got out of the bus and he walked into his apartment.
The man's words from the bus must have triggered
something within Ben, because the moment that he sat down
on his couch, memories came rushing into his mind.
But for the first time in his life,
instead of trying to distract himself
or escape these feelings by going out
and meeting someone new or by turning on the TV
like he did when he was a kid, he just sat there in silence,
and he finally gave the permission to be vulnerable
and to feel whatever he needed to feel.
But as Ben did this, he felt extreme resistance
because you have to remember, turning on the TV
to distract himself from these bad feelings
was how Ben kept his sanity throughout his childhood.
So when he didn't distract himself,
it quite literally felt like he was going to lose his mind.
And for the next 72 hours,
Ben did not distract himself at all.
There was no TV, no phone, no video game,
he just sat there and surrender to the pain that came up
when he thought about his childhood.
He felt everything.
These 72 hours were the most painful hours of his life.
It was quite literally, 18 years of emotional pain
condensed into 72 hours.
When Monday came around, he once again got onto the bus
and of course, the man showed up.
"So how are you feeling this morning?"
"Like a mess."
"Good, so you chose happiness?"
"If the past 72 hours is what happiness feels like,
then I would rather not be happy."
"The first step to happiness is actually
a bit like an erupting volcano.
Rarely do volcanoes erupt just for a day or two,
it can actually take up to several weeks,
but if you keep feeling whatever you need to feel
and you keep releasing those emotions,
then eventually, all that lava will be gone,
and all that will be left will be an open happiness."
Over the next few months, Ben continued
to feel the emotions that he had been avoiding
his whole life, and as the time passed,
Ben was slowly becoming happier and lighter
and pound by pound of those emotional weights
were being lifted.
Ben was achieving his ultimate goal of happiness
in a way that he didn't think was possible,
by being 100% by himself and not needing
anyone else to complete him, but the funny thing
was that when Ben became happy with himself
and he actually created boundaries for himself
and his relationships, he actually met someone
who he didn't just like, it was someone who he truly loved.
At the young age of 50-years-old, Ben got married,
He had some kids and he did end up with that happy family,
just like the ones that he saw on TV.
The next time that you are alone and you feel
those negative feelings starting to creep up inside of you,
don't go to your phone, don't turn on Netflix,
just sit there and allow yourself to feel it.
Give yourself the permission to feel whatever
you need to feel without judging yourself
or hating yourself.
I guarantee you that if you do this one habit of releasing
and feeling on a regular basis, it will change your life
in ways that you didn't think were possible.
If you wanna get motivated and inspired
to make these positive changes in your life,
then click the video on the screen right now.
It is my favorite video that I've ever made
and I promise that you will love it.
Thanks for watching, and I'll see you all very soon.
(gentle music)