Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
I remember it so you don't have to.
Now usually on the show, I talk about things you might have seen growing up:
Old TV shows, movies, stuff like that, but TODAY—
Today I'm making a special exception so I can talk to you about the trailer that premiered
right before the Transformer (sic) movie.
You know what I'm talkin' about!
And for those of you who don't, I'll give ya the skinny:
Alright, so it starts off with a handheld video camera shooting a going-away party for a guy named Rob. (Walker? =P)
For the most part, it's just people joking, drinking, talking,
and saying how much they're gonna miss Rob after he leaves the city.
I don't' know who Rob is, but I'm missing him already.
When suddenly, the power goes out,
and a loud explosion is heard outside!
*BOOM*
The people start screaming and running downstairs
as the camera goes a little Blair Witch on us.
As everybody exits outside, they hear a thunderous ROARING sound!
A thunderous roaring sound? What could that be?
Oh, it's a building blowing up.
*stammers* Dude, it's a building blowing up! Holy shit!
*BOOM!*
As the building blows up into smithereens,
bits of rubble and fiery death are smashing down on the onlookers.
Within seconds, everything's being thrown at 'em!
A car, a house, other bits of rubble, a cow—okay, maybe not a cow—but a lot of stuff!
And last but not fuckin' least,
the head of the GODDAMN STATUE OF LIBERTY!
Good God, I just pissed myself!
That's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my entire life!
I mean, it was terrifying, it was incredible, it was suspenseful, it just—it was—
I mean, oh my God, you just wouldn't believe it!
What could this horrible creation of Beelzebub be?
J. J. Abrams?
He may be a monster, but he's not that big.
Okay, we know WHEN our lives are gonna come to an end,
but what is it that's gonna kill us?
Oh come on, there's gotta be more than that, isn't there?
Isn't there?
*fanfare*
OH, FUCK YOU!
*grasping for words*
Heeey! Did you forget something?
The TITLE?!
You forgot the title of your movie!
What, I—how can you forget the title of your movie?
What kind of a ripoff is that?
You—you build us up, you scare the shit out of us,
and then you don't even tell us what we're supposed to be afraid of?
That's... bullshit!
Wha—*more incoherency*
I mean, what could it be?
What on Earth could that giant thing that blows up buildings
and throws the head of the Statue of Liberty everywhere be?
Is it a demon? Is it a machine?
Is it Donkey Kong?
My money's on Donkey Kong!
After he gets drunk on all those barrels of beer,
he rampages through the city, seeking out all the Italian plumbers.
Or, you know, it is J. J. Abrams.
Maybe it's the black smoke from Lost!
He got off the Island, and now he's looking for a nice industrial plant to call home.
No, no, I bet it's J. J. Abrams' production logo, the Bad Robot!
He goes stomping through the city looking for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!
Because there's only room for one giant homicidal corporate logo in THIS town!
Maybe it's not a monster at all.
Maybe it's Jesus!
Maybe he just wanted to give the Bible a twist ending, and decides to rampage through the city!
Maybe it's all four of 'em!
Maybe it's a Giant Robotic Donkey Kong Jesus riding a puff of smoke!
Holy shit, that'd be really cool...
...but HIGHLY improbable!
Now, good luck finding information about this movie,
'cause that's actually a lot harder than it sounds.
Many people think the name of the movie's "Cloverfield", but that's not actually true. [It is.]
Cloverfield is the fake title they came up with
so that nobody can get an idea about what this thing really is.
[QUICK NOTE: "Cloverfield" is the actual title, the Critic noted this and corrected it in a follow-up episode]
Which I feel is... kind of bad advertising.
How can I, say, see the film...
purchase a ticket...
go into a theater...
and watch this motion picture experience...
if...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT'S FUCKING CALLED?!?
My prediction of what that monster is is that it's J. J. Abrams' gigantic ego
terrorizing the city with his pretentious advertising!
Will it consume this nation? Only time will tell, my friend.
Only time will tell.
I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to...
It had BETTER be Donkey Kong.
*Donkey Kong arcade theme*
*Captions provided using transcript from Channel Awesome Wiki (and best guess from ears) as reference. NC rocks*