Spring is finally here.
Oh, boy.
It's exciting.
I'm seeing signs of it everywhere.
Kanye's Twitter account came out of hibernation.
[LAUGHTER]
It is in full bloom.
And a lot of things are coming back to life.
There's one thing that is not coming back to life.
And that's Toys'R'Us.
They announced that they're going out of business.
Yep.
They're getting rid of their inventory.
And Barbie had to sell her dream house, get a job.
She's working at Hooters now.
It's really sad.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah.
So I don't know if you're looking to buy toys.
But if you are, I want to help.
These are toys that I found on eBay.
And they should not be given to children.
[LAUGHTER]
And these are 100% real, by the way.
100% real.
Here is the first one.
This one is called Scottie Bagpipe.
In case you were worried it wasn't authentic,
it says right there, "Sounds like a real bagpipe."
I looked it up.
Bagpipe is actually an old Irish word that means ear torture.
Every parent dreams of hearing the pitter
patter of little feet and the high pitched moan of a bagpipe.
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
Here's another toy.
And this is from the '60s.
This is Hasbro's Think-a-Tron.
It says the machine thinks like a man.
It says, "It thinks, it answers, and it remembers."
And then it has a beer and goes to bed.
Actually, I was told that President Trump just named
this toy the new economic adviser.
Yeah.
[CLAPPING]
All right.
Here's another toy right here.
And oh, what a catchy name.
This is the Flash Bubble Gun Cartoon Fish.
Flash Bubble Gun Cartoon Fish.
But here's what caught my eye.
Look down here.
It says on the package, "It will give you infinite pleasure."
[LAUGHTER]
That is a serious promise.
I mean, I would understand if it said hours of enjoyment.
But infinite pleasure.
Are the bubbles filled with motley?
What's happening in here?
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
Here's another one.
Before I unveil it, I found this toy.
I can't figure it out.
So I'm going to let you decide what's happening here.
It is called Bam Bam.
And there is a button on the side that says "Try Me."
So here's what happens when you do that.
[RAPID BUZZING AND CHATTERING]
Whoa!
[LAUGHING]
[GIGGLING]
Oh, no.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Whoa.
[GIGGLING]
All right.
You can make your own joke there.
Something something infinite pleasure.
[LAUGHTER]
[CLAPPING]
So if you have kids, don't buy any of these toys.
And if you need somewhere to take your kids now that
Toys'R'Us is closing, take a look at this.
After filing for bankruptcy, Toys'R'Us will be closing all
of its US stores.
With more and more toy sales occurring online,
today's kids are left searching for a location
for their next epic meltdown.
[SCREAMING]
That's why we want to invite all kids to throw
their next tantrum at Chuck E Cheese.
Our carpeted floors are perfect for spreading out and getting
hysterical.
[CRYING]
We've got plenty of rides that you'll either
cry because you want to go on them,
or cry because you want to get off.
[CRYING]
It's up to you.
And in case you can't come up with a reason
to cry on your own, our mascot is a giant scary rat.
[CRYING]
Chuck E. Cheese.
One visit and your parents will wish we
were going out of business too.
[CLAPPING]