[ "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)" plays ]
♪♪
-♪ I was tired of my lady ♪
-Why?
-♪ We'd been together too long ♪
-What was your relationship like?
-♪ Like a worn-out recording ♪
-Of what? Funny animal sounds?
-♪ Of a favorite song ♪
-That makes more sense.
-♪ So while she lay there sleepin' ♪
-What were you doing?
-♪ I read the paper in bed ♪
-Which section? Obituaries?
-♪ And in the personal columns ♪
-What did you read?
-♪ There was this letter I read ♪
-Oh, my crap! What did it say?
-♪ If you like piña coladas ♪
-I do. I love to drink.
-♪ And getting caught in the rain ♪
-Who would like that?
-♪ If you're not into yoga ♪
-I don't exercise.
-♪ If you have half a brain ♪
-I do have half a brain.
-♪ If you like making love at midnight ♪
-Ew, gross.
-♪ In the dunes of the cape ♪
-Wouldn't you get sand in your butt?
-♪ I'm the love that you've looked for ♪
-What? We just met.
-♪ Write to me and escape ♪
-Uh, no, thanks. Hard pass.
♪♪
Did you think about your lady?
-♪ I didn't think about my lady ♪
-Do you know how that sounds?
-♪ I know that sounds kinda mean ♪
-Uh, no doy.
-♪ But me and my old lady ♪
-Wait, is this song about your mom?
-♪ Had fallen into the same routine ♪
-This better not be about your mom.
-♪ So I wrote to the paper ♪
-What'd you take out?
-♪ Took out a personal ad ♪
-Are you somebody's poet, though?
-♪ And though I'm nobody's poet ♪
-Good. Poems suck.
-♪ I thought it wasn't half bad ♪
-This brain is half gone.
-♪ Yes, I like piña coladas ♪
-Same. I love to drink.
-♪ And getting caught in the rain ♪
-That's a bad thing to like.
-♪ I'm not much into health food ♪
-I only eat birthday cake.
-♪ I am into champagne ♪
-I love all the alcohols.
-♪ I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon ♪
-Whoa, someone's horny.
-♪ And cut through all this red tape ♪
-Where you gonna meet? Baskin-Robbins?
-♪ At a bar called O'Malley's ♪
-Big mistake. Baskin-Robbins has cake.
-♪ Where we'll plan our escape ♪
-Oh, it's lunchtime. Let's eat cake together.
Here's cake.
Here, I'll put some on your nose.
Now we're married. We're married now.
You're my new wife. I'm pregnant with your child.
-♪ So I waited with high hopes ♪
-Did she walk in the place?
-♪ Then she walked in the place ♪
-I knew she'd walk in the place.
-♪ I knew her smile in an instant ♪
-I'm so glad she walked in the place.
-♪ I knew the curve of her face ♪
-Walking in the place rocks.
-♪ It was my own lovely lady ♪
-Is this song still about your mom?
-♪ She said, "Oh, it's you" ♪
-I'll just assume it's not about your mom.
-♪ And we laughed for a moment ♪
-And what did you say?
-♪ And I said, "I never knew" ♪
-[ Laughs ] Classic quote.
-♪ That you like piña coladas ♪
-Oh, there was more to the quote.
-♪ Getting caught in the rain ♪
-Why do you like that?
-♪ And the feel of the ocean ♪
-Why do you love getting wet?
-♪ And the taste of champagne ♪
-What is this song?
-♪ If you like making love at midnight ♪
-Why does this song exist?
-♪ In the dunes of the cape ♪
-Just call it a beach.
-♪ You're the lady I've looked for ♪
-I'm not a lady. It's just my hair.
-♪ Come with me and escape ♪
-What is existence? Why are we here?
Why do humans have consciousness but no other animals do?
Come on, new wife. Let's dance.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪