Alright, now, some of you may know,
that before I started in the business of drawing crappy stick figure cartoons,
I used to work at a car dealership.
And when I first started working there,
I started as a porter in the service department.
And being a porter sucked ass!
You were on the bottom rung of the employment ladder,
which meant you had to do all the shitty jobs that nobody else wanted to do.
"Ah yeah, I guess the toilets broke down today,
so I'm gonna have to have you manually scoop all the shit out
with these tiny shovel and bucket."
"Oh, and by the way, Bill had a Cheesy Gordita Crunch yesterday,
so you might want to wear, like, a poncho maybe?"
So needless to say, it didn't take long for me to be like,
"Wow! This job sucks ass!"
"I'm gonna work here a couple of weeks and then I'm gonna find something better."
But instead of doing that, I worked there for 7 years.
"Oh, God damn it!"
And indeed, it did suck ass!
It sucked so much, that I got my friend Brewer a job there,
so he could be just as miserable as I was.
Now, our main job as porters was to check in customers,
when they brought their broke-ass cars to get fixed.
But a good portion of our job was just me and Brewer standing around by the tires
and laughing like Beavis and Butt-Head all day long.
(Pretty much that stupid-ass laughing)
Our boss would get all pissed, like,
"Oh come on, guys, don't just stand there! Pick up a broom!"
"Ah, okay."
(Keeping on laughing)
Now, most of the customers that came in were not in the best of moods.
I mean, they're getting their car fixed, how good of a mood could you be in?
"Hello sir, what brings you in today?"
"Well, you guys sold me a Ford Focus that drives like old people fuck,
that's what brings me in today!"
"Okay, okay, right this way!"
But it was always funny watching Brewer talk to customers,
because Brewer is pretty eccentric person,
and not everybody knows how to handle his ass.
He'd walk up to people, like,
"All righty-dighty doopity-doo, what is it that I can do for you?"
"What the hell?! Honey, why is this guy talking like he's fucking Willy Wonka?"
"I don't like it!"
Hell, one time in particular this lady comes in,
and she's like,
"Is Brewer here? He helped me with my car earlier and he was so nice!"
"I just wanted to give him some cookies that I made."
"Uh, no, he's on his lunch break right now."
"Oh, okay, I'll just leave these here then."
"You know, I just think it's so nice
that you guys employ people with his special needs."
(Echoed thought) Special needs?
Oh my God, this lady thinks Brewer's retarded.
"Uh, yeah, he's one of a kind, I try to keep an eye on him."
"He often gets very confused and frightened, but I try to do my best."
"But I will be sure to give these cookies to his goofy ass for you."
Brewer comes back from lunch, and I'm like,
"Hey, what did you say to that lady you helped today?"
"I don't know, why?"
"Well, because she thought you were retarded, Brewer, that's why."
"And she gave you some cookies."
"She thought I was what?"
"Oh, to hell with it! I got cookies out of it at least!"
Now, the other part of our job was to move cars to and from the service aisle.
And you'd think that would be an easy job,
but nothing's an easy job, when it's 7:30 in the morning,
and you're a half-awake, severely hungover 20-year-old kid.
My ass was barely coherent in the morning.
Hell, one time I got into somebody's car, and instead of pressing down on the break,
I pushed down on the gas pedal instead.
All of a sudden the car starts revving up like crazy,
my dumb ass doesn't even realize it.
I'm thinking it's somebody else.
I'm fucking redlining the engine and shit.
I'm looking around, like,
"Who's the dumb idiot, that's about to blow up a car engine?"
"Get off the gas pedal, you stupid asshole!"
"Oh, I'm the dumb idiot!"
So I get out of the car, all embarrassed.
Yeah, sorry, I almost blew up your car.
I don't know how cars work, apparently.
But the worst part about driving other people's cars
is that some people are filthy animals.
One time this car came in, and it was practically filled to the ceiling
with old-ass McDonalds bags and half-eaten cheeseburgers.
"Ah, sick, it smells like Ronald McDonald’s asshole in this piece."
So I'm driving this garbage car out of the service aisle,
the whole time I'm talking shit about the car to myself.
"God damn it, it smells like Rosie O'Donnell's belly button in here!"
"I can't stand it!"
I park the car, and all of a sudden I realize,
the has been a kid sitting in the back set the entire time!
"Oh, there's a small child back there!"
"Small child, what are you doing back there?"
So now I have to escort this kid back to the service aisle,
and pray to God that he doesn't tell his parents
about all the shit I was talking about their car.
"Uh, so listen here, kid, I'm gonna give you this dollar bill,
and all that Rosie O'Donnell belly button talk is gonna stay between us, okay?"
But being a porter wasn't all bad.
Sometimes we got to drive really nice cars.
Like this guy, that would bring in his sweet-ass Shelby GT.
The only problem was, I had no idea how to drive a stick shift.
So there I am, stalling this dude's Mustang out every 3 fucking feet,
the owner standing outside, watching me the entire time.
"Holy hell, just get out of the car, I'll take it from here!"
"You probably just fucked my clutch up 8 different ways!"
"Don't you know how cars work?!"
But if you thought that was bad,
it was nothing, compared to what I did to these old people's van.
You see, these old people came in to pick up their big-ass van that we just fixed,
so I pulled it up for them.
And since these people were somewhere between 80 and a 1000 years old,
I decided to back it into the service aisle for them.
Well, as I'm backing up, the overhead door starts to come down,
and guess what happened?
(THUD! GLASS SHATTERS)
That's right, I slammed their fucking van through the overhead door,
like I was in a goddamn Jason Statham movie.
"Holy hell, Barbara, I'm having heart palpitations."
Brewer is standing there, watching the whole thing,
"Yeah, who is the retard now, huh?!"
I get out and I have no idea what to say.
"Sorry, I don't know how cars work."
"I didn't really mean to ram your minivan through the overhead door like a psychopath."
So needless to say, we had to fix their car, again.
And needless to say, nobody wanted me to bring cars up anymore.
"Uh, yeah, we really can't have you flinging vans through overhead doors all willy-nilly,
but I have good news!"
"Somebody took a shit in one of the urinals, so you can help out with that!"
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