Gabriela: When you think about the first time we met what do you remember?
Kate: The first time we met I walked in and you were like
like legs crossed with a guitar on a couch singing to everybody and everybody's just like enraptured by you and
as... I don't know I feel like that was often the case first year, and
I remember always
Thinking that you were too cool to hang out with me
But you finished the song and you saw me and you were like "oh my god. I am so glad you're here
I have something that I need to show you like you're gonna love this" and you pulled me into the bathroom
And you showed me your tattoo
Beautiful revolution and you explained where it came from and you were like you know
We should really be friends, and I was like I totally agree
We should definitely we should be friends
And we make me we made a concerted effort to have (G: we made a commitment in that bathroom) I mean ... we... every Tuesday
It was like Tuesdays and Thursdays (G: yeah it was after class) we had coffee dates
And yeah, I mean that that was and you used to call me movie star
(G: Every time I saw you) yeah (G: before we even knew each other at all)
Yeah
But that was when you were like I'm Gabi like you know me you're a Kate like we should be friends you have this energy
a lot of love a lot, (G: I knew it yeah the magic) the magic it was the magic it's always existed just
G: It still burns me up
K: What are you hesitant to tell me?
G: Mmm you know there's nothing really, but there's got to be something because everyone has secrets
I guess oh, this is hard. I guess
I'm so happy for you that you found someone who loves you and supports you
But I
Think I'm like a little afraid that you're gonna like leave me behind not like leave me
but you would never leave me behind, but like I
Think it coincides with the fact that like
I'm so skeptical that I'm ever gonna find that you know like I'm so skeptical right now
especially if you know the last couple months have been so hard and I
Don't trust anyone with
Me and my heart
So I'm like
I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the fact that like maybe this is just
it you know like I'm just gonna be with myself forever, and that's fine cuz I love myself you know but
All the things you know
the house and the baby isn't all about I'm like I
Don't know and I see you with this person that like that's actually a possibility. You know like we're that age
He's that good like great
You know unless he has a lobotomy in the next year like it's good. It's going well
People are fucked up and things change, but and so I'm a little like
It scares me a little bit
You know cuz you always hear about like
people going apart, and they have kids, and they don't have so much time and I just I just never want to lose you ever (K: you're not going to lose me)
G: I know K: I think that- I mean I think that we're at a point in our friendship where
They're gonna change things are going to change yeah
And things have already changed (G: yeah)
And I think it's it's not a bad thing for me to be going through like (G: it's good for you)
It's good for me, but I don't want you to ever feel like
It's cuz I'm not I'm always there. I know I'm always there
(G: I know) and like what would I I mean I know yeah, I'll never leave you behind you're next to me all the time
K: Was that my question? G: I don't- I think it's my turn yeah, it's my turn
G: How do you really think I feel about your new relationship?
That's really funny
K: Um... I
Think that you are in a place right now where you are
You you lack trust in
men
rightfully, so
(G: yeah), and I
and
I think that
Part of the fear that you were talking about before might also have to do with you being afraid of me getting hurt
(G: Yeah
Yeah, I'm really afraid of that.) Yeah, because I mean like you've seen me I've never fallen for anybody like this before (G: no) and
Like you know how when it's you know if something were to happen
How much that would
Be hard
G: Yeah, I worry about that a lot. It's another thing
I'm hesitant to tell you because I just want you to be happy and enjoy this like beautiful
(K: Love!) love is such a beautiful delusion. I think it really is and I just don't want to take you out of that
but yeah, I'm like I
Think also because and you've been doing you've been doing so well like you've been dealing with your shit. I know you have but like
Things happened before you got into this relationship
Bad things and I worry
Yeah, I worry that this it's like a really big warm blanket that you've like cuddled yourself in and you should you deserve that
especially with everything that's happened, but
It would just be such a blow because not just I mean it would be a blow in itself
But because there's all that other like those dark scary things that are like outside of the blanket
You know like over there in the corner like under your dirty clothes?
I think about that a lot. Yeah, so I just and I don't want to like nag you, but I I just
You can't- even though you can't see (*redacted*) again anymore like you
Got to keep doing the work. You know for us
(K: yeah) and you (K: yeah), and me because you... what happens to you happens to me
You know (K: yeah)
Yeah, you're right. That was good. You're so smart
it's your turn
K: What is one experience you wish I never had?
G: I mean you know (K: yeah)
K: Me too, but not me too - because me - G: hashtag me too (*laughter*)
K: Yeah, because it really
Not to be like super - silver linings Rara
But it is one of the reasons why I am the person I am and I really like the person I am... most of the time
G: That's beautiful
G: I just hope it never happens to either of us again (K: ever) yeah,
(K: I'm good). Done my learning. (K: I've done the growing). I'm over it. I'm just done.
So done. K: yeah well, and you're still like in yours that's what's that's what's so hard. G: I'm in it so hard
K: yeah, it's like I
mean, I think what you're going through with the trial is
amazing and I think that there is there's so much strength and resilience
that's required in order to go through the criminal justice system when it has to do with sexual assault but I
mean
talk about just
Getting traumatized over and over and over and over and over again
(G: Yeah)
You know and just like having to retell your stories so many different times to people who are not
Therapists. they're not counsellors
They're not people who it's- it's- (G: they have no fucking idea what they're doing... any of them) no- well that and also it's it's you're
you're in a position as a survivor where
You're trying to get someone you're trying to convince someone that you're telling the truth
Yeah, which is I mean that's the worst that's the worst and and you have people
It's I mean, it's the most adversarial
situation that you could be in as as a survivor of sexual assault having having people who are they're
Exactly what they're trying to do is prove that it didn't happen yeah
G: It's gonna be really hard the trial
K: I know. G: I haven't really let myself think about how fucked it's gonna be (K: yeah, of course you haven't)
G: Because I'm good like I'm really good on the stand like the pre trial showed me that like I'm like
Sharp and clear, and I'm like looking at the lawyer, and I'm like what the fuck
Are you gonna say like don't try it don't even try it you know like I'm there like I
In another life could be a really good lawyer. You know (K: I agree with that)
so
Yeah, it's gonna be really hard
(K: Well I'll be there) G: yeah, yeah, you're gonna be there I'll be there and
It's gonna be fine. Yeah, and what was crazy about
When I walked out of the pretrial and I got your message and you said
'Thank you on behalf of all survivors'. it just meant so much
Like I was fine all day not a tear
I was like you know how I am at crisis mode like I'm good
I know and I walked out and I got that message, and I just broke down
(K: It's a big deal), it's a big deal. (K: It's a really big deal)l, and I'm doing it
K: Yeah, you're awesome. G: I'm awesome. K: You're awesome
and like
It'll be I mean it's never over but
How like acutely you're feeling it right now, it's temporary (G: it's temporary I'm gonna be better eventually) K:*whispers* although I don't like the word better.
G: I know you don't like the word better. As soon as i said it, i was like...
But you're right, it's a part of me
And what happened with (*redacted*) is a part of me (K: and the process of going through the trial is a part of you)
G: It's all a part of me. Yeah. I'm awesome. K: You're awesome. G: So really it's a good way of looking at it. Thank you
K: Me? You? G: It's me.
G: That's an interesting follow-up, what is the pain in me you would like to heal?
K: I think that- I think that in all the strength that you've shown and
that you've had to show and all of
all of the resilience that you've had
You've had to be so strong to survive to get through it all (G: yeah). I think that there's pain
That you need to dig up
to be- to heal
And I know how scary that is and I know that that's been a huge limitation with you going
To therapy or seeking group stuff and like it's the worst. It's the worst. like I've been through it
It's the worst in that first appointment is that is the worst and like
Going through the history and telling the story again and doing all of that
but the level of
distrust and fear and
Cynicism that you have right now
is
Because it hasn't been you haven't fully explored it (G: yeah) and
that's not to say that
It doesn't make sense that it's been that way up until this point like we all do things that we need to do in
Order to survive at different parts of our lives, but I think that
for you
you were saying that you don't know if you're ever gonna find something like what I've found and I
think that you won't if you
don't
Explore because I think you're really scared
It's always gonna be scary, and it's about learning to trust again
(G: Yeah), and I wish I could I wish I could give that to you
But even saying that like I don't I I want you to get there
Yourself and I think you will I think you will, you're definitely strong enough to. it's just a matter of
timing G:yeah, yeah, I remember right after I
Remember I was sitting on the porch it was right after I got back from Cambodia and
I was sitting on the porch with my mom I
Was talking. cuz I was just so like after I- after I just like got rid of him. I was just so (K: elated)
Oh my god. Yeah, it was like this like all of the horrible horrible
Suppression of like the beautiful energy and spirit that I have inside of me, just like it was over
And it's just like I just came up out of the dirt, and I was like
I'm here. this is who I am and it was just amazing. It was like being high all the time
On myself. I was high on myself.
And I was like I'm good I did it. It's over. You know and I needed that
And I think I thought it would last forever you know and so we were sitting on the porch, and she was like
She was like "honey. I just really hope that you don't let this
Stop you from being able to like love and trust someone again", and I remember when she said it
I was like nah like I'm open you know like open heart open mind like
and I've always been that way I've always been like if
You find something that you love if you meet someone that you love you run fucking head first into a brick
wall if you have to to get there you know and
It just it all came crashing back
And I don't know how- you're right. You're right. You're
Just right. I have to do it. I have to do the work (K: *whispers* you will)
G: I will K: you're already making the first steps - so it's happening. G: Thanks for the push. K: *whispers* you're welcome
K: What do you see in me that I don't see for myself?
G: I see a capacity for greatness that has nothing to do with what you do in your career
Like
You just have an ocean inside you. you know I
Don't think you know how big it is and it's clean like there's no garbage in the ocean like there's no like
Sea turtles pulling straws out of their throat. It's just a big beautiful clean pristine
salty delicious ocean
And I just think you just are so powerful you're so powerful, and you just don't you don't always know it. K: Thanks
G: Where do you see us in ten years? well, that's a cool question to answer K: 10 years 10 years 10 years
In 10 years we will be
36
Which is still very young. G: yes, very young
And all our skin care regimes. We would just look the same way we look now
K: Exactly the same
K: I mean, I think it would be great if we could live in the same city again
I think that would be lovely I think that there are more opportunities in New York
So I'm just saying maybe you'll be here, but I mean in terms of a friendship
And we were talking about it at the beginning of this conversation. I think that 10 years gives us I
Mean there will be other- there's going to be more
milestones and life experiences and
We'll still- I think we'll still
Be just as close it just might morph to fit the lives that
We were leading, but I do think that the one thing that
the two of us in ten years that I can say for
10 years just make sense for me for to think about career, but of course that's how I'm always motivated
G: I know it's so funny. K: I can't be like in 10 years. We're both gonna be married it
ya know
But ya know I think I think 10 years will be
Will be closer to where we want to be
G: Do you want to make one or two promises to each other?
Like ten year promises? K: okay go
G: Let's stay cool, you know K: am I cool? G: Yeah, you're fucking cool
You always you're like yeah, but you have the good girl vibe, but yes, you are very cool
You know that right? You don't know that okay? K: We'll be cool. G: We'll be cool. We'll stay cool. You know like
We'll keep buying like fucking dope boots and like you know like we'll still have our
We'll still have our fun like we'll stay cool. You know that's one okay
G: Do you have one?
K: Um don't give up
Like continue don't don't settle in any regard
G: That's a good one K: yeah G: in any regard K: in any regard keep pushing. G: Don't get don't get too comfortable. Yeah
K: No complacency G: no complacency
K: Yeah
G: Cool, those are good. I'm happy with those
Hey topaz here
Thanks for watching our video if it touch you if it moved you if it made an impact
Please consider supporting us on patreon so that would continue making more. It means the world to us and we appreciate it. Thank you