Good morning!
When you're sober, the sun rises with you.
This is what I like to eat to stay slim, fit, and healthy.
I made this.
(Theme Music)
Hello my loves, reporting live from a toilet in the Nation's Capital. It's me.
I wanted to mark this as a big achievment on my path to recovery.
95 Days sober! Um... hashtag winning therapy.
-Because being solo in bathrooms meant a lot of weird things when I was in the grip of addiction.
Throwing up, drinking contraband vodka...
...Stealing a child's halloween costume so I could disguise myself as a hamburger.
(watch beeps)
Alice, now I have to start the whole thing over again.
Sorry, I didn't think it would take you so long.
I get anxious if I hold my power stances for longer than reccomended.
Babe isn't that the opposite of what it's supposed to do?
Can you just finish your video after our secret team meeting?
Fine, I'll just post this one.
You ready for this press conference?
How sweaty are your palms?
-Oh actually you know what? -Wow! -It's not bad.
-These are pretty good. -I think the power stances are helping. -Good job hon!
I was thinking maybe we could... come up with some kind of safe word...
...we could use whenever this reality show stuff is just getting too real.
What?
Like um... a code word we could say to each other to remind us that whatever we're doing, it's just for the show. It's not real.
Okay, so like when Richard makes you say mean stuff about how I'm a bad musician and completely talentless-
I would say the safeword to you to remind you that it's all fake and I love you.
Can the word be "lobster?"
Why?
Oh it's not because lobsters mate for life?
Oh do they? I had no idea.
Oh ok are you sure you don't want me to be your lobster life mate?
What?
Nothing. I like you.
Do you? Are you ok with this? Are we insane?
Oh yes. We are insane. Luckily insane is my forte!
And we don't really have a choice, since we never read our contract.
Stupid record label. It's their fault. -Definitely.
-Okay. -Okay.
Let's OWN this press conference. -Yes. -(Both)YES!
Thank you for being here ladies and gentlemen.
And those of you who don't identify as either.
Thank you Alice, I was just about to get to that. Thank you for being here they-self... um... person-
Hey Richard, why are we here?
We are here to talk about how the tour is awesome, and to announce that the real life, raw drama that we have been making...
documenting this groundbreaking tour... will be premiering January 7th on CB3.
Ok I'm gonna take some questions. You over there, with the camera?
What's the show called?
Heartbreak Tour: Tour Life. Starring Veronica Vale, Alice O'Hara, Lulu St. Clair, and her band, Les Bebes.
The show will document the real trauma a breakup can have on the emotional and creative psyche.
Alice and Veronica's breakup. That's the breakup Richard is talking about. There is no other breakup.
No spoilers! No spoilers. We're also here to announce that our friend Veronica has had...
...Has had a severe relapse and will be checking into a rehab facility after the North American tour.
That-that's not true!
It's ok to be honest Veronica, we're all here to support you.
No, I'm sober, you can look at my latest INstagram post. 95 days.
Clarence, are you even getting this?
Is this true? - Are you kidding me?
I'm not accusing you, I'm just concerned.
Thanks a lot for believing in me.
You are all the scum of the earth!
Why can't you all just let me be happy? F--- all of y'all!
Any further questions?
You ok there? - No.
Whatcha doing? - I'm reading old fan instagram comments, and don't you dare judge me.
I have given up everything that makes me feel good so if I occasionally need to feel like I am a talented person, I don't think that makes me bad.
You've given up everything that makes you feel good?
Alice I am not talking about you, I'm talking about ice cream and booze and recreational petty crime.
I'm sorry. About what happened out there.
Can you read me the comments on my latest instagram post?
Are you sure? -Find me the nice ones?
It's that bad, huh? -No, no, here's one.
Veronica Vale is an inspiration, a role model to... lying narcissists...
Sorry, that wasn't good. I should've stopped.
Nobody loves me except for you.
Hey. Hey... come here.
Hey. It's our song. - Literally.