Hey guys, welcome back thanks for joining me for another video. So this week I want to get into
responding versus reacting and I've made a video on this in the past and you know
The video did really well and people really enjoyed it
But they really wanted to know what specifically to say in these situations
I feel like sometimes a lot of us tend to get a little
overwhelmed in
Situations and it's tough to kind of like slow ourselves down so we can be mindful when we aren't interacting with another person
Especially when we're dealing with someone who's narcissistic or toxic or anything someone who's very has a big presence big personality
If we're not confident in our ability to be able to take care of ourselves, not that it's a bad thing, right?
we're learning this stuff, but if we're not confident then that
Person is going to because they have such a big energy
They are going to overwhelm us at times and so in this video
I want to give you two things that you specifically have to remember study think about be mindful
Whatever and then I also want to give you some phrases that you can use when you are interacting with someone
So you don't react emotionally to someone and you learn how to start
practicing how to respond to people but before we get into this if you have not already subscribed to this channel
Don't forget to click on the subscribe button down below and also on the notification valve so you can be in loop
every time I do upload a new video with brand new topic, so one of the things that's really
Huge when we are trying to practice
Responding to people and not reacting to them is learning about
Emotionally abusive behaviors just basically learning about abuse
So the more you learn about a topic the more you feel comfortable to
Recognize it talk about it things of that sort
So you have to know what abuse looks like so you have to know gaslighting you have to know manipulation
You have to know passive aggressive behavior. You have to know when someone's giving you the silent treatment
You have to know when someone's trying to shame you when someone's trying to guilt you all of these things that people
Will do to basically either abuse you which is essentially just trying to get what they want out of you which is most likely control
So if you know, okay
I know a gaslighting looks I know what manipulation feels like it looks like then when you are in situations and someone says something
Even it's even if it's just a verbally abusive statement. Like hey, I think you look ugly
Whatever, right you will be able to recognize when those things are happening
It becomes even easier when you realize who are the people in my life that are my button pushers and what do they do?
specifically that push my buttons
when my mother gives me the silent treatment is that just the thing that kind of throws me over the edge and I began getting
Very like defensive and reactive to that behavior
And then she completely walks away from the situation in a spine
but I'm here kind of fighting with her about this so really understanding who are the people in your life that really
Cause you to get emotionally charged up now if you're dealing with someone at work, or if you're dealing with someone
That's a stranger that just happens to say something always
Recognizing and being aware of your own body and your own self on when that energy
Starts really getting intense for yourself where you feel like I want to react I want to say this
I'm gonna cut them at their knees I want to do this or I want to get entangled in the situation, you know
And that anger starts coming up. That's when you have to be like, okay, here we go. This is the test
now one of the first things is
knowing like I said knowing the behaviors and
Confronting this person on the behavior, so we're not confronting people because we want to you know
Expose the elephant in the room. Like hey, you're manipulating me. Hey, you're guilting me. Hey, you're being passive-aggressive
We want to do it for ourselves because if we come to the table with an agenda
which is basically I'm gonna tell this person that they're being
Manipulative and then they're gonna realize that what they're doing is abusive and they're gonna stop
No, that's probably not gonna work because most people are not that are not able to have that kind of self-reflection
especially when someone else is kind of shining light on the things that
They have within themselves their own wounds that's causing them to do this behavior on you
So most people will become defensive if you say hey you're being manipulative. So we're not
Confronting this person on their unacceptable behavior because we want to recognize it if they do
Wonderful, then we're able to have a healthy
you know dynamic and communication between two grown adults because an we're human so at times we're gonna say things and do things that
Might be hurtful or might be the wrong thing to say, we're not perfect
but at least if someone has a recognition then we can have a healthy dynamic and a healthy conversation between two adults where one
Recognizes. Oh, I did this to hurt you. I'm so sorry and the back and forth is healthy
Like I said, most people are probably not able to do that but confronting someone
Recognizing a behavior and being able to confront someone on that specific behavior
You having the confidence in yourself to do that is really really huge so that confidence to be able to
Verbally communicate these things to another person shows that you're not intimidated by the behavior that you're able to
you know one of the things that's
so
powerful
I think is being able to slow yourself down and be confident in who you are and what you have to say
It doesn't matter if anyone agrees with you, but if you're able to articulate yourself in such a way to me
That's the ultimate confidence right there
that means that you don't fear confrontation that you don't fear that if I'm about to say this to my sister and she
hates when anyone calls her out on something and then here comes the backlash like you're not afraid of the backlash because you know
how to hold on to yourself, you know how to create that bubble
You know how to block that stuff because none of that backlash really has anything to do with you
Will always be easy in every single moment probably not but you know how to parent yourself
So even if things start to become a little overwhelming, you know how to then take care of yourself after you leave that interaction
so the next thing is when you are having this interaction with this person holding on to yourself and this is
so
important this is you holding on to yourself basically means that you recognize when you're
You know meeter towards okay, I'm calm and here's angry and you know
I'm getting really annoyed with this person
And now I want to get emotionally entangled and start going off on them or say something that you recognize like, okay
It's starting to come up. Here. It comes. It's starting to rise when you recognize it
Then you have control because you have control on every single moment on how you you know handle an interaction
So if I feel this starting to come up I can either say okay. I recognize that it's coming
I'm gonna comment down. I'm gonna comment down
I'm not gonna react because I know that if I react I'm gonna give that person exactly what they want and
I'm gonna handle myself after the situation all of that holding on to yourself
that's
Healthy and some people I was always brought up with. Oh, you have to stand up for yourself
You have to engage with a person that's not healthy. That's not controlling your emotional state. That's not taking responsibility for yourself
That's just ego
And you know, I think that it is important to verbally communicate with someone else
But it can be done in a healthy way
so this means that you have to be aware that when you start to get upset that you actually might be in an
interaction with someone where you might have to excuse yourself you might have to say
You know what? I'm getting little overwhelmed right now, and I'm getting a little angry
so I'm gonna leave this discussion and we can you know
Bring this up at another time once I've calmed down fully take responsibility for yourself. That's totally fine
I think that's actually the healthy adult that can say, you know what I'm just getting a little overwhelmed and heated during this discussion
But I need to take a step back for a second. You want to be aware of your emotions?
So you don't begin to get angry with the other person because that's basically what we're trying to avoid
We're not trying to react to someone we want to respond to someone but we're human
We have an ego and at times that button might get push and it's okay. You're human. It's going to happen
But the more you recognize the button the more you recognize okay?
Here it comes. It's coming up and the more you can control it to say. Okay, I'm starting to get really aggravated right now
I'm starting to get overwhelmed and
This isn't working. That's when you know, you need to leave a situation
like I said during an interaction one of the most important things that you can always do is
Speak slowly and keep your sentences short
So we don't want to go on and on and on we want to get right to the point
Let something we want to keep our voices calm and we want to say things very very slowly and clearly
Basically, what you're doing is you're talking to another person the way you would a toddler except you're not being
Condescending so we don't want to be condescending but we want to like slow things down during this interaction
Versus getting so angry and starting to go, you know back and forth of this person and fit that
And here this person goes and then it just becomes a screaming match versus you know
Two adults actually listening to each other
so one of the things that I always say if I'm in a situation where someone's getting really really riled up and
Maybe they're even starting to throw some blows, or maybe they're even starting to be a little manipulative or whatever it is
I always
Say I will only speak to you when you have calmed down the other phrase that's really good to say is
I feel you are being
Blank, I feel you are being manipulative right now
And I don't want to engage with you having this feeling so when you are ready to talk about what we were discussing
Please let me know when someone's starting to get riled up and you see you start noticing it you can easily
Just diffuse the situation and say I notice you're getting very upset right now
Would you like a minute and that goes right back into that first phrase?
Well when you behave like this, I can't interact with you and I will not interact with you
so if you can calm down then we can discuss these things when you're dealing with someone that's starting to be manipulative or
Passive-aggressive if you call someone out on that and say I feel like you're starting to be manipulative
I feel like you're starting to be passive-aggressive and I will not engage with anyone who treats me in that way
They are going to immediately get defensive and say that's not what I'm doing
I'm not doing this and you can easily say and that's okay
If you don't agree with me, this is how I feel and I'm going to disengage from this conversation
until we can talk about things calmly rationally get back on topic whatever if you set parameters around
Talking to someone meaning I won't engage with you when you behave like this when you start becoming a verbally abusive
I'm not going to talk to you when you are speaking to me in that way
Your tone is a little passive-aggressive
Whatever it is that you're calling them out on you then have to state what it is that you would like to happen
So if you're telling someone I'm not gonna engage with you when you behave this way
We can talk in another time once you've calmed down or once you begin respecting me because this is how I deserve to be treated
You know someone that doesn't verbally bash me and as long as you again slowly talking to this person
short sentences there has to be a consequence if this person continues and so
This is where sometimes the ego tends to get involved on your end
Is that you feels as though well, I've said what I wanted to have what I wanted to have happen
And this person isn't doing it and so now I might start getting a little frustrated or aggravated or I might
Really keep going back and forth with this person
There is no going back you have now set a boundary
and now the consequence is you are leaving the discussion the argument the
interaction
whatever because the environment that you're in is not good for you and you've
stated that to that person now again, this seems very very
basic and
At times it can be extremely easy to do. It doesn't have to be something
That's so overwhelming
I get often from people that will say, you know, this is really hard to do when you're actually interacting with someone
It's really not as long as you know
Who the people are in your life that are your button pushers?
I remember there's a few people that whenever I have had to interact with them
I know right off the bat that even before the interaction that I would have to say. Okay, I'm gonna hold onto myself
I'm gonna know what this person's capable of doing meaning
They're kind of caught me my knees their drink of choices manipulation their drink of choices passive aggressive or the silent treatment
And I had to be aware of all of those things. So once I became aware of it when the behavior
started I don't know why but for some reason it was really easy for me to hold onto myself because I realized I
Might Ito wasn't involved anymore. I didn't need for this person to change who they were. That wasn't what I was trying to do
What I was trying to do was only keep myself in
Environments where my energy was flowing and when I felt like my energy was starting to get you know
Starting to get really upset and I wanted to engage with someone
I knew that it was time for me to leave because they were starting to push a button and that button
Had nothing to do with them. They might have triggered the wound
right
but that all had to do with the stuff that I had to tend to and I knew that that
Environment wasn't healthy for me to be in and my ego wasn't involved that I felt the need to
React because by reacting that is all ego
And so I don't need anyone else to change their behaviors
All they all I need to do is to be able to verbally communicate
With someone else what I expect and if that doesn't happen then I leave an interaction
I leave a conversation and I do it very calmly and nicely because
Really? Like I said, there's no ego involved. So I don't need someone else to change their ways
They can do whatever they want to do if they want to be passive-aggressive with someone else they can go right ahead
But with me, that's not something that I'm going to deal with or put up with so
I hope that that has helped you guys out there understand the difference between
responding versus reacting
I think that the most important thing that you can ever do for yourself is learn how to hold on to yourself and
recognizing behavior is really the first step and
Recognizing. Okay here comes anger
I'm starting to get irritated or annoyed and knowing that you have a choice on what you do when that anger comes up
Do you want to engage with someone is your ego involved?
So if anything watching these videos will help you going forward when you are in
interactions with people when that anger starts to come up and I think the first step towards real change is at least
Recognizing the behavior in the moment
so like I said
I hope that you have enjoyed this if you have don't forget to give it a thumbs up, and I will see you next week