(glasses clink)
(gentle music)
- Oh, what your drinking tastes like poop.
Oh, apple poop.
(Derek laughs)
(dramatic music)
- So what are you making?
What is your drink of choice this evening?
- The drink of choice for Amber Ruffin
this evening is a margarita,
but not just a margarita, a spicy margarita.
- Now, why do you go spicy on your margaritas?
- Thank you for asking, 'cause I felt like it.
(Derek laughs)
(burps) Hey everybody, I'm Amber Ruffin.
And I'm here to talk about The Little Rock Nine.
I can't reach you.
- I got you. - Oh, you got up.
- One more.
(Amber sings) One more, one more.
- Our stories starts in Arkansas,
Little Rock, to be specific.
It's 1957, the Supreme Court has just ruled
in the case of Brown Vs. The Board of Education
that separate is not equal.
So their local NAACP went out to the black community
and found nine kids to go to Central High School,
the premier high school in Little Rock, Arkansas.
So these kids are like, we are The Little Rock Nine.
We are fucking nine visions of black excellence.
We will go to school
and we'll change the world, it'll be great.
So then the governor of Arkansas, Orval Faubus,
finds out that these kids are planning to integrate.
And this bitch, Orval Fartbus,
(Derek laughs)
you can fart all you want it in a fart bus.
Anyway, Orval Fartbus was like,
hey, if these kids integrate,
the streets will run red with blood.
Orval Fartbus is a bitch. (laughs)
The kids show up to school
on September 4th, 1957, the first day of school.
The senior in the group of
The Little Rock Nine is Ernest Green.
And he is like, oh my gosh,
there is an ass load of angry white people.
This angry white mob was like, we don't like you.
You need to go away.
We are going to beat you up
and hang you from a tree (laughs).
This is not funny.
Meanwhile, on the other side of school, Elizabeth Eckford,
the ninth of The Little Rock Nine is like,
oh fuck, I'm here all by myself.
Oh my God, there's a huge mob of white people.
This is terrifying.
They're yelling and they have signs
and they're shouting shit.
And they are like, hey, you're white,
I mean, I'm white and you're Black.
So that means I don't like you.
So she gathers herself, and this girl is G'd up,
fucking face stone cold, and walking through these people
who wanna pick her up and break her in two,
just walking through like a G.
And she sees the Arkansas National Guard.
They must be here to help me, she thinks.
She quickens her pace and she goes,
hey, these white people trying to kill me, please save me.
And they like block her entrance.
They are letting other white students in.
She was like, what is the deal?
You are the National fucking Guard.
If anybody needs to be guarded, it's me here now.
So she leaves school.
She sits down at the bus stop.
And the white people are surrounding her,
and they're like, we don't like you, you are poopy.
She waits several minutes for the bus.
The bus pulls up and she's like,
thank God I can finally get out of here.
This isn't the last I will see of you,
but also, fucking fuck, can I just get a fucking education?
So that was the first attempt and they lost.
So attempt number two.
They regroup, they go at it again in a week.
They all got together this time.
And they all entered school
at the same place at the same time.
The Little Rock Police force escorts the children
into school and they say, hey, look,
let me catch you out on the street any other day,
and then who knows what, but today we'll take care of you.
They escort the children into school,
and they hold the line so that
the crazy angry white mob does not act a fool.
But the angry mob, they break through the police line
and goes into the school.
And they're like (screams) we hate Black people so much,
we're coming in this school to snatch you out.
So the cops are like, fuck.
So they get away in the nick of time,
because these people are so angry
that they like beat up cops and push them out of they way
so they could get it to these children, white people.
So they go to their houses.
These kids are now like, oh man,
there's nothing we can do.
I feel very discouraged.
All these white people are extra crazy, they're very mad.
Ernest Green turns to the group,
and he says, you know what?
We need to continue through to school
because all of these white people are going to
think we are to be fucked with.
We absolutely can't give up.
So ba pa da do!
That story of the crazy white people
of Little Rock, Arkansas finds its way to Eisenhower.
And he is like, the shit is fucking embarrassing.
These white people are fucking my shit up.
How dare these people think that they can
use mob mentality to overrule?
(laughs) I mean, none of these words
are words that have ever come out of my mouth, fuck.
So President Eisenhower says,
I'm gonna send in 1,000 troops from the 101st Airborne,
not a hundred of them, a hundred would have done it.
Not 200, not 300, but 1,000 of these people.
The Little Rock Nine arrive at school together.
And the 101st Airborne is there.
And they say, hey look,
we are going to take care of you today.
(car horn honks)
We're gonna take care of you today.
(car horn honks)
We're gonna take-- (car horn honks)
(laughs)
Beep, where were we?
Oh, okay, so they were like,
we're gonna take care of you today.
They escort the children into school.
They're holding back the crazy white people.
So The Little Rock Nine is like,
this is the shit, we did it!
We win everything, hurray for us.
So they go into school.
But once they get into school, they realize, oh shit,
now we have to deal with these children.
These white children are like,
ah-ha, you finally made it into school.
Now you belong to us.
We're gonna beat you up every chance we get.
She's like, why?
And they're like, we don't know exactly why we hate you.
We just know that it's something,
our parents have handed down to us.
And so we're just acting
in what we believe are their best interests.
And Elizabeth is like, well,
I don't know that that is their best interest.
Maybe if you just get along with me,
and they're like, no!
These children give
The Little Rock Nine hell for a whole year.
And these little babies are being the Blackadiest,
Black, Black that ever Blacked,
and it is blackening up my soul!
Okay, so Ernest Green graduated.
And he was like, oh, thank God.
These people almost killed me.
So Ernest Green walks across the stage, grabs his diploma,
looks out in the audience and sees Dr. Martin Luther King!
Ernest was like, oh my God,
that is Dr. Martin Luther The King!
He's like, these people almost killed me,
but I did it, isn't this crazy?
And then Dr. Martin Luther King is like,
well, there's nothing else you have to do
'cause you've already gone through it, good job.
Look at my nails, they're so beautiful!
Hi, hi, so pretty!
What was I talking about?
Oh okay, then the 40 year anniversary was in 1997.
Oprah Winfrey had them on her show.
And Oprah Winfrey was like,
hey, Little Rock Nine, guess who I have on the show?
The children that tormented you.
And the bullies were like, look,
back in 1957, we were little punks,
but now we're cool dudes who love you.
And we're sorry, because we were mean to you.
And being mean to Black people is not cool anymore.
So we just wanted to absolve ourselves of that.
Their apologies were not up to 2019 standards.
Their apologies were frankly bullshit.
But The Little Rock Nine forgave them
for all the terrible things they did.
And that is more than fucking I ever would have done.
So in 1999, President Bill Clinton gave
each of The Little Rock Nine the Congressional Gold Medal,
because what they went through was fucking amazing.
It's shocking that anyone
went through it, much less children.
Cannot point out enough that they were children.
So The Little Rock Nine wins.
Everyone else is a piece of shit.
The end.
Racism's fixed and everything's fine (laughs).
- Oh cool, happy 2019.
Isn't it cool.
- (laughs) Happy 2019.
I dunno what I was saying,
but I love margaritas, and Black people.
Hello, today we're going to talk about Claudette Colvin.
Guess what?
In Montgomery, Alabama, in 1955,
a young Black woman became the first person who was arrested
for not giving up her seat to a white lady on the bus.
That young woman's name is Claudette Colvin.
Claudette Colvin is a 15 year old bespectacled teenager.
Uh-oh, let me say it.
Bespectacled teenager.
It's a hard word, bespectacled.
She takes the bus home from school.
So her friends are like, all right,
we're having a fun trip to home, uh-oh, a white lady.
A white lady gets on the bus.
The white lady is like, hey,
you guys have to move because I'm white.
Claudette's friends leave.
But Claudette stays and is like, you know what?
I paid my fare the same as this white lady paid her fare.
So Claudette's like (bleep)you,
I'm (bleep) sitting, have a seat.
White lady's like, I will not have a seat.
The bus driver's like, I'm gonna get the cops.
So the cops are like, move.
Claudette's like, I shall not be moved.
And they drag her off the bus.
The only thing she knows to do is to go,
it's my constitutional right.
And they're like, this is 1955,
and we don't have to do (bleep) so (bleep) you.
Claudette's like, (bleep) 1955. (burps)
I'm sorry I burped.
I'm not sorry!
So wait, what? - I was just saying--
- So the NAACP is flooded with letters
saying Claudette Colvin is so brave, she's wonderful.
And the person who reads these letters,
the secretary of the NAACP, Rosa Parks.
Rosa Parks goes to Claudette Colvin's house,
and is like Claudette, you're the (bleep).
Claudette's like, I (bleep) know,
I'm the one who got my ass dragged to jail.
And that's how they really connect and become friends.
So whenever she's at an NAACP meeting,
she spends the night at Rosa Parks' house.
And Rosa Parks is like, you know what?
You're great.
Claudette Colvin was like, you're great.
They really connect.
Time passes, and E.D Nixon,
the president of their local chapter of the NAACP,
is like, we need to start a bus boycott.
This bus boycott will start a revolution.
We should use Claudette Colvin's arrest
as a reason to boycott the buses.
People'll get behind her.
But then they were like, oh,
but not white people because she has darker skin.
And we can't have a 15 year old as the face
of the anti-segregation movement.
But we can have Rosa Parks as the face of this movement.
So it's at that time that Rosa Parks sits down
in the white section of the bus and gets taken off to jail.
But she had to act like, oh, I was just tired,
aren't I not-threatening, white people?
And then white people were like, oh,
she's just tired, we're eating this up.
Okay.
I'm just like hyper-aware that
this very moment can be on national TV.
(bleep) And I'm an (bleep) right now.
Okay.
It's at this time that the NAACP put a flyer
in the hand of every black person in Montgomery,
including Claudette Colvin.
The flyer says, please don't ride the bus on Monday.
We are a boycotting the arrest of Rosa Parks.
And Claudette Colvin is like,
I can't believe that I'm finding out
through a (bleep) flyer that Rosa Parks
did exactly what I did, I feel very hurt.
Claudette Colvin is like, ouch.
And at that same time she finds out she's pregnant.
She's like (bleep).
Her high school finds out that she's pregnant.
So she's kicked out of high school.
She's like, (bleep) you know what?
(bleep) this, I'm moving to burning man.
Did I say burning man?
I thought burning man while I said Birmingham.
Burning man, now I can't say burning man.
Uh-oh, okay, I'm in a tailspin.
Where in the world was I?
- Well...
(Amber laughs)
- At this time, the bus boycott
has been going on for far too long.
Fred Gray, one of the only two Black lawyers
in Montgomery, Alabama goes to Claudette Colvin's house.
And he's like, let's sue the city of Montgomery for the fact
that segregation is unconstitutional.
Will you testify?
She's like, absolutely, let me have this baby.
So bam, she has this baby.
And they put some people on the stand,
and Claudette is the star witness.
She's like, your honor, I this and I that,
and I hate (bleep) segregation.
The judge is like, (burps) segregation is unconstitutional.
They win the case.
So she was like, you're welcome,
Montgomery, (bleep) Alabama.
I ended segregation, peace,
I'm moving to New York to become a nurse.
She moved to New York.
(laughs) Earlier I felt okay.
And then after that I felt drunk.
But then now it's really drunk.
Okay, 55 years later, a reporter finds her,
and is like, are you a Claudette Colvin?
Didn't you do the thing that everyone
kind of thinks Rosa Parks did, but she didn't, you did?
And she's like, yes, it was me, it was me.
And the reporter was like, aren't you jealous
of Rosa Parks and how everyone celebrates her?
And Claudette Colvin said, I made my peace with that.
I'm just satisfied that my children can sit
wherever they want on the bus.
The End!
(sings)
- Wow, well you just crush that.
- Thank you, it's my job right now to tell stories.
How are you, cup?
Hey everyone, my name is Amber Ruffin.
And I'm gonna talk to you today
about the Angel of the Battlefield, Clara Barton!
Okay, our story begins during the Civil War.
It's got (bleep)fatalities, (bleep) people are...
(gasps) I'm cussing so bad.
- It's okay. - Okay.
So the union army's surgeon, Dr. James Dunn,
was like, hey dudes, this is some bullshit.
We are low on antiseptic, we are low on bandages.
We do not have the supplies
to handle the amount of blood shed.
(laughs)
Okay, meanwhile, a teacher, Clara Barton,
is like, I will worry about the soldiers of the Union Army.
Hello government, we need more medical supplies.
Can you help me help your (bleep) soldiers?
And the government is like, (groans) no.
And she's like, you know what?
Your bitch ass needs to (bleep) come correct.
They're like, we will not come (bleep) correct.
Oh no, I spilled it!
Sorry, I'm yelling.
Oh my gosh, I'm also sorry for being sorry.
'Cause who does that help?
No one!
(screams)
Okay, so she asked the Ladies' Aid Society,
send me medical supplies
and I will bring them to the (bleep) front lines.
Meanwhile, in Sharpsburg, Maryland,
(bleep) the Confederate General Robert E. Lee
was like, it is September 17th, 1862.
And that's when the Battle of Antietam began.
The Battle of Anteitam, bam, bam, boom!
(laughs)
The Battle of Anteitam was the bloodiest
single-day battle in American history.
So James Dunn is like, we are grossly under-prepared.
And it's at that exact moment that in burst Clara Barton
with a train of wagons filled with supplies.
And she's like, watch out everybody
'cause the Union is coming (bleep) suck a (bleep).
You're welcome everybody.
I brought your ass, everything you need.
Dr. James Dunn is like, I need antiseptic.
She's like, I got that shit.
He's like, do you have bandages?
She's like, yeah, bitch, I got bandages.
He's like, what we need is
(bleep) normal shit like socks and food.
And she's like, you know what?
Abracadabra, bitch.
And he's like, oh my God,
you are the Angel of the Battlefield.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
She's like, stop thanking me, I have work to do.
She starts working on wounded soldiers
with no experience whatsoever.
And at that moment, a bullet pierces her sleeve,
and she's like, do you see this shit, dude?
And the guy is like, I don't see that shit 'cause I'm dead.
'Cause the bullet that pierced her sleeve
killed the very guy she was saving.
So she's like, this sucks,
but I am going to move on to the next thing.
And move on to the next thing she does.
And at the end of the day, Dr. James Dunn
is sitting by himself in a dark barn.
Clara Barton is like,
Dr. Dunn, what the (bleep) are you doing?
He's like, I am depressed.
Night has fallen, I can't see shit.
Hundreds of soldiers will die.
Clara Barton is like, bitch, don't you know?
She grabs him by the hand, she takes him to another barn.
And this barn is lit with lanterns.
She's like, you think I (bleep) brought your ass socks,
but I didn't bring you lanterns
to (bleep) light your surgeries?
What the (bleep) is wrong with you?
And he was like, I love you so much.
You are truly the Angel of the Battlefield.
Clara Barton is like, you done called me that already,
(bleep) come up with some new shit. (burps)
She doesn't burp, but I wish she did,
so that I could also burp.
She's like, Amber, if you feel like burping, you can burp.
And I'm like, I'm drunker than you think.
She's like, you're very drunk.
And I'm like, yep.
Okay, so it's the end of the war,
and everyone is like Clara Barton, you rule,
and someone special wants to meet
with you, President Abraham Lincoln!
And President Lincoln is like, Clara Barton,
you did such a good job at the Battle of Antietam,
you need to be the head of the office, offices,
the office, Lincoln is drunk,
but what he means is Clara Barton,
you need to be the head of the Office of Missing Soldiers.
She's like, I will, I super will.
And so she finds over 22,000 soldiers.
President Lincoln is like, bitch is on fire.
And then they kiss.
Just kidding, they never kissed.
And in 1878, Clara Barton started
the American Chapter of the Red Cross.
Clara Barton is like,
I am the founder of the American Red Cross,
plus I'm the Angel of the Battlefield.
I (bleep) changed America itself, I win.
And everyone is like, you do win.
The end.
- That was great.
- (bleep) Thanks Clara.
- You want some water?
- No, water is for pussies.
(dramatic music)