Hello my Beautiful Watchers. Well... You might be wondering how I got here.
A few months ago I was perusing Amazon’s extensive book selection, y’know, as you
do and came across this whole... thing. Yeah you know just… Ya know?
A few bemused tweets later I once again made the mistake of underestimating my audience’s
desire to see me suffer and here we are. By the way if you’re not following me on Twitter
yet you’re missing out on opportunities to take part in such sadism.
Now despite all the many many questions this cover raises I’m still not going to start
on book two of three so to fulfill my promise here is its predecessor. I guess it's slightly
less insane but still.
Santa Steps Out, a fairy tale for grown-ups by Robert Devereaux, published in 1998. The
description on the back of the book is lengthy but the summary of the summary is the Tooth
Fairy is going to fuck Santa and the Easter Bunny is going to watch.
Now I consider myself a very sex positive person and in principle, I think the concept
of Santa hate fucking the Tooth Fairy is potentially hilarious if presented with the right amount
of humour and surrealism. If I didn’t think there was a chance this book had merit I wouldn’t
have even put out the possibility of reviewing it.
However as you’ve no doubt deduced from the title of this review, that is not what
this book turned out to be. Honestly, it’s just kind of dark and depressing.
Perhaps I should do the synopsis before going any further. Umm, quick word of warning though:
This really, REALLY is going to get very strange, very gory and graphically gratuitously sexual.
An explicit warning for that on a book with this cover may seem redundant but I just want
to be very sure you know exactly what you’re getting into on this one because quite honestly
this shit gets straight up nasty in places so be ready.
Right off the bat this book establishes that this is not your everyday Santa because it
starts in Heaven with God returning from some time off and discovering that one of his arch
angels went a bit nuts in his absence and let things get all fucked up with the supernatural
creatures on Earth that they usually keep under strict control.
More importantly it also establishes that God, the Christian God of modern times is
actually Zeus of the Greek pantheon after a serious rebranding.
A rebooted Greek god, demigod or mythological creature is basically the explanation for
everyone in this story. Santa eventually regains the memory of having been the nature god Pan,
the Tooth Fairy is Adrasteia, a nymph that took care of baby Zeus when he was hiding
from Cronos, and Mrs. Claus was Pity the fur nymph queen.
Dionysus apparently became Jesus which I guess makes sense because he’s one of the sons
of Zeus though the whole drinking and partying thing doesn't quite jell.
When Zeus was doing his big conversion he either killed all the magical creatures of
the world or wiped their memories and reformed them into new folklore figures.
Devereaux isn’t by far the first person to have played around with the idea of reconciling
Santa’s Pagan beginnings with his more innocent child-oriented current existence.
And he’s certainly not the first person to try to think about how Santa could fit
into God's plan. I mean, several of his conglomerated origins stem from Christianity.
OR the first person to think about how the old Pagan religions and the ones still kicking
about today could co-exist.
BUT I have to admit this was the first thing I've read that was extra enough to do all
of them at once.
Everything that’s ever been believed in ever is true and interconnected in this book
which is admittedly an interesting concept to work with… Making it all the more disappointing
that most of this book is just joyless descriptions of carnal rutting.
Anyways back to the uh, plot. The Tooth Fairy is apparently the only magical creature who
remembers who she really is and is performing her duties as a cutesy fairy under duress.
She apparently eats the teeth that she takes from under children’s pillows and within
seconds converts them into coins in her body that she shits out and leaves behind.
There is no explanation as to why this is a thing in the book but at least it explains
a little about what's going on on this cover.
She is super horny all the time (again for no particular expanded upon reason) and convinced
that Santa, the only other former old god on Earth is the only one who can satisfy her
so while God is away she ambushes St. Nick while he’s doing his rounds one Christmas
Eve and seduces him into having sex with her on the edge of a 10 year old girl’s bed.
Said ten year old girl is called Rachel and we’ll swing back to her.
Santa is at first horrified at himself and goes home to confess his adultery to Mrs.
Claus who is pretty pissed but forgives him in exchange for a promise never to do it again
which he gives then breaks every Christmas for the next 20 years.
Once he’s gotten over his guilt with ever increasing satyr-like behavior he builds a
love shack in a hidden part of the North Pole so he can do it with the Tooth Fairy all year
round.
Eventually, true to the blurb the Easter Bunny gets his voyeur on and sees them at it.
The bunny doesn't remember who he was before God changed him but is aware that he was changed
and has this deep felt belief that he probably created the universe, not God. He is eventually
revealed to be Ophion the elder titan so… Yeah.
He’s always been slightly jealous that Santa got the birth of JC as his holiday and he
got the death and he’s also perpetually horny and for some reason very attracted to
Mrs. Claus so reveals her husband’s adultery to her in the hopex that she’d be willing
to sleep with a 6 foot tall bunny to get back at him.
She doesn't but she does have a gangbang with every one of Santa’s elves after Santa refuses
to stop the affair after being confronted.
She also took to venting her frustrations by stabbing Santa in the chest with knives
and other sharp objects which hurt him a bit but couldn’t kill him because he’s immortal.
Santa finally breaks things off with the Tooth Fairy after they fuck one last time on the
same bed they first fucked in 20 years ago, complete with a new child asleep on it. The
Tooth Fairy does not take it well.
He then comes across a now 30 years old Rachel in the next room.
Rachel was apparently awake and watching them 20 years before and even though the book does
not present it as such, the event seems to have scarred her psyche somewhat.
Unable to find men who aren't Santa attractive she had unsurprisingly married a mall Santa,
who had recently passed away.
For some reason, SOME reason, upon seeing each other she and Santa decide that they
are in love. I’m not kidding, Santa, still naked and covered in the Tooth Fairy stank
sits on Rachel’s bed, tells her everything including the part where he just fucked next
to her sleeping daughter Wendy and she instantly declares her love for him and it’s reciprocated.
Santa takes her and her daughter back home with him and genuinely tries to talk Mrs.
Claus into starting a permanent Ménage à Trois and is surprised when this isn’t a
warmly received idea. He also is a little upset that she shagged all of his co workers
in one night but I guess he just gets over it.
Meanwhile the Easter Bunny, thwarted in his plan to bang Santa’s wife tries going to
the scorned Tooth Fairy instead and tells her all about Santa’s new squeeze.
Things then get graphic even by this novel’s standards. The Tooth Fairy rides the Easter
Bunny’s weird rabbit dick while tearing his teeth out of his mouth and eating them,
shitting out gold coins as they fornicate and he screams for mercy.
And the rest of the story just gets worse and worse and worse, introducing elements
of snuff, vore (if you don’t know what that is please don’t look it up), necrophilia,
bestiality, incest, body horror and pedophilia.
I don’t have as many notes for this last third or so of the book however because it
was at this point, with this blood soaked sex scene twixed the Tooth Fairy and Easter
Bunny that I FINALLY realised what this fucking book’s deal is.
I had been perplexed up until this point because again referencing the title of the video I
expected this to either be smut or a tongue in cheek comedy or both and it was proving
to be neither.
It doesn't as a story, take itself too seriously but it doesn't attempt to be funny or if it
does it fails so hard I couldn’t even see it.
And despite the abundance of sex I am convinced it’s not trying to be arousing, there’s
just no joy to the fornication, no matter what your kink is I don’t think you would
be turned on by this.
Then at last it came to me. I managed to put my finger on the word that best describes
this book: Edgelord.
:guitar riff:
My suspicion was immediately confirmed when I went to the author’s website and saw that
in the bio that he clearly wrote for himself, Devereaux talks about the joys of being shocking
and envelope pushing. The bread and butter terminology of edgelords.
Yeah this book is just trying to be shocking for the sake of being shocking. It’s sploitation
through and through.
In hindsight I’m kind of disappointed in myself that I didn’t see it sooner. I guess
I learned a valuable lesson about not letting expectations blind me.
To make matters worse, I can’t even really say that this was GOOD sploitation to be honest.
I mean, shock value can be an effective tool if you have a moral or message you wish to
impart but I’ve thought about it for days now and I cannot for the life of me figure
out what Devereaux wanted to say with this.
It's not particularly critical of religion, I mean it doesn't have any respect for it
but Zeus/God is very much a background cameo character at the start and end so it’s just
not a big enough part of the story to be trying to make a point about the pro or cons of Christianity
or Paganism.
It also doesn't seem to be trying to say that there's anything wrong with Christmas or the
myth of Santa Claus at least not that I could see.
It’s not recognizably anti sex or anti infidelity either, I mean still don’t think it’s
meant to be enjoyed but there’s no finger wagging or consequences for it at the end.
Oh right uhh, the end…. Umm everything gets really really really fucked up, the Tooth
Fairy devours Rachel, like literally eats her alive, and shits her out as coins, the
Easter Bunny rapes a bunch of people and then a kitten, Santa trades his head reindeer to
the Tooth Fairly to be her sex slave in order to save Wendy, then right at the end God shows
up, punishes the evil doers and brings Rachel back to life. Santa, Rachel, and Mrs. Claus
becomes polygamous and live happily ever after.
Oh and there's what looks like a subplot about an elf that’s in love with Mrs. Claus but
that goes all kinds of nowhere.
There was a bunch of stuff I was GOING to talk about like… At one point near the beginning
Santa accidentally ejaculates onto a family’s Christmas tree and uses his magic to hide
it by turning it into candy canes… Which a bunch of children eat and the book makes
a note of saying that they all grew up to be really good at blowjobs.
I was planning to talk about how even in smut or dark comedies I think it crosses the line
when you get kids involved, it makes me super uncomfortable but once I realised that was
entirely the point of it being included it’s like… What would be the bloody point? It’s
been included BECAUSE it’s stepping over the line into incredibly bad taste.
The only thing that had the potential to be halfway interesting, the idea that all modern
beliefs be they religious, superstitious or just harmless childish nonsense are evolved
from ancient Greek myths and legends is honestly just handled so badly, it’s super underwhelming.
It just wasn’t very cleverly done. With the exception of Zeus and Santa who everyone
was in their past lives seems almost arbitrarily chosen. Rick Riordan did this sort of thing
so much better in the Percy Jackson books and by the way holy shit everyone, fingers
crossed!
I couldn't miss a few tell tale signs of this being a book that no one actually gives much
of a shit about and was only published to make a quick buck.
Best example, there's a SUPER obvious and easily correctable typo right at the start
of chapter 10 that no one has bothered to do anything about in the 20 years since it
was written.
In the author's afterword Devereaux muses about why it was so hard for him to get this
book published and I was kind of like…. Really? That was surprising to you?
Then I got curious about who HAD published this and it turns out the answer is a company
called Deadite Press, which as far as I’m aware does not have any association to The
Evil Dead franchise.
I had a quick look at their other publications and in addition to some other interesting
books by Devereaux I also found… Super Fetus by Adam Pepper… Try to abort him and he’ll
kick your ass.
I think that tells you everything you need to know about this company’s output to be
completely honest. I’m not trying to be judgy if you’re into gore sploitation fine
whatever but I personally see it as a pretty low form of entertainment.
All in all I’m sorry but I have to deem this book hot edgelord garbage. It utterly
fails to be provocative, interesting or meaningful so at the end you’re just left with a gross
gory sex story about Santa.
I’m like 90% certain this series only turns a profit because of the covers, case in point
it drew me and everyone else on Twitter in.
And in case you really REALLY wanted to know, it looks like Santa Claus Conquers the Homophobes
is about these same characters finding out that a young preteen is destined to commit
suicide in a few years after he comes out of the closet and is bullied to death by his
community and family.
Santa and the crew try to prevent this by changing the hearts and minds of the homophobes
A Christmas Carol style while the Tooth Fairy gets in the way.
Based on what I just experienced with this book, I am confident in guaranteeing that
the sequel is not worth reading. Don’t buy this book, don’t buy the first book, please
just go and read something worthwhile instead.
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I just want to take a second to acknowledge one of the other books that Devereaux wrote.
Uhh, yeah, God and Santa Claus team up to defeat Trump.
I don't know how I feel about that.
Hello Sir Terry. People were complaining that you weren’t in the bloopers last time so
I guess you uh you want to give the people what they want? Me!
A rebooted Greek god, demigod, or mythothogical... mythothogical… :mouth noises:
The Tooth Fairy is Andrastia...Adrastiea? I need to look up how to pronounce that.
The Tooth Fairy, ah I never looked up the name! I got so distracted.
The Tooth Fairy is Adrasteia, a nymph that took care of baby Jesus...baby Zeus.
Meow meow meow meow… :choking noise: Sir Terry, that would be my throat. Could you...could
you, thank you!
You know, I’d like to get through an entire film session without getting at least two
robocalls, just one of these days. It’s never happened so far since coming to America.
I mean, several of his congomerat...congomerated...ooh, ooh that word does not like me.
Pros or cons of Christianity or Pagerism..page-pagerism. Paganism.
:sigh: The neighbors have got a noisy dog. This is not what I needed.
Little panther, little panther, I love youuuu.
Including the part where he just fucked next to her sleeping daughter Wensdy. Wensdy. Wensdy?
That’s not… :Sigh: oh, what is going on with my brain today?
You’re my well behaved kitty.