Hello. Bonjour. Ciao stronzi
Namaste
Ham maadarachod hain
I’m from the Australien Government with a message to the world
As cities bake
fires rage
reefs die
jet streams weaken
and 6-Ligma events cause climate scientists to shit their dacks
many are wondering if we’ve finally broken our favourite planet
But don’t despair
Australia’s here to help
No, not by phasing out coal and gas
by inviting the world to a big fucken dinner party
Introducing our bid to host the 2026 UN climate summit: COP31
We know. After a decade of climate inaction under the last government
our international reputation is in tatters
Thankfully, this is a new government
As Chris said, Australia is Back™
But for those of you not fluent in Cuntonese, the official language of the Australien Government
what he’s saying is:
we’re back to approving coal mines
expanding gas production and opening up the NT to fracking
so we really need to host a COP to “restore our reputation” and look like…
Climate Leaders™
COAL
GAS
CARBON CREDITS
PR
HOSTING COP!
By these powers combined, we are...
FULL OF SHIT
Yes we know, after undermining two decades of climate summits with lies, loopholes
artificially inflated baselines, and our fake Kyoto credits
many of you would rather shit in your hands and clap than let Australia host a COP
That’s why we came up with the genius idea of co-hosting it with countries the world actually likes
our Pacific Island neighbours
Coz unlike us posers, they’re actually being climate leaders
These guys introduced a plan to cut shipping emissions
(which we voted against)
And these guys issued the Port Vila Resolution, which calls for an end to fossil fuel expansion in the Pacific
(and which we’ve ignored)
Even kids in the Pacific are bigger climateleaders than us
they’ve prompted the International Court of Justice to decide if polluters like us
are legally accountable for failing to act on the climate crisis
So clearly, co-hosting COP with the Pacific would make our bid look much less shit
And it worked!
The Swiss wanted to host this COP too but they withdrew their bid when they saw ours
And those Pacific Islands are totes up for it, too
Kinda
Sort of
All they’ve asked for in exchange is that we end fossil-fuel subsidies
and stop approving new coal and gas projects
To which we said
Settle Gretel
Be grateful for the aid we give you to deal with climate damage
like the twin cyclones that just devastated Vanuatu
Sure that aid is a fraction of the subsidies we give to the companies who caused that damage
But what did you expect?
When we told you we’d stand “shoulder to shoulder with our Pacific family”
we didn’t mean against climate change
We meant at the canapé table at COP31
So come on world
Let this major fossil-fuel exporter that’s cockblocked climate action for decades
co-host a crucial summit with the most climate-vulnerable nations in the world
while ignoring their pleas to stop harming them
Just so we can look like
Climate Leaders™
It’s not like we’re asking you to let some petrostate human-rights abuser host COP
and have the boss of a huge oil company preside over it
Imagine that!
Then the world would really be fucked
COP31. We can’t wait to see you in Australia
Spierdalaj
Kefe
Terima kasih, kami bangsat
Authorised by the Department for Orchestrating our Glorious Climate Makeover and Canapés
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Till next time