- Hello, I'm Courtney Miller
and today I'm sitting down with some of the exes of my past.
I'm a little nervous, I'm not gonna lie.
I have no idea who's gonna be here today.
So...
(Courtney sighs)
Let's go.
(dramatic music)
(Courtney laughs)
I can't.
- Hey, Courtney.
- Hey.
- Watched some old Smosh videos the other day.
Videos about you reading an old diary?
- Yeah.
- Talking about me?
(Courtney laughs)
- Johnny.
- The one and only.
(dramatic music)
- What up, lil mama?
- Hey.
- Hey, how you doing?
- Oh, I'm good.
- You wanna give me a-
- Sure.
Good to see you.
Oh, oh my God.
What's up?
Would you like to introduce yourself to the camera?
- Yeah, mama.
It's Carl.
- Oh
- Oh (beep)! That's what you're wearing?
- Come on.
- I thought it for sure was gonna be hoo-hoo beanie,
stacked necklace, and crop top race car shirt.
(Courtney laughs)
- No.
(Audience laughs)
Why?
Hi.
(Audience Laughs)
- Hello again Courtney.
My name was Fanny Cherry Bottom.
Alas, our love never had a chance to be
because of the event.
- May I call you Chips ghost?
- How did you know?
- Okay, Johnny,
(Courtney grunts)
what initially attracted you to me, way back in 2006?
- I mean, it was probably your desperation.
I didn't have to do anything really.
- I can't argue with that.
- You're like a chameleon to me,
every time I look, your hair is different.
So, I like a woman that can change.
- Yeah, I do that a lot.
- Yeah.
- It was like between you and Erica
and she had bigger boobs.
- Yeah.
- And like, and I believe you said something like,
what is this a beauty pageant?
- I did. I did say that.
- Yeah. You said that to my face. It was weird.
- We actually met each other
when Courtney worked at the pharmacy.
I was picking up some meds for a rash,
heard like ricocheting off of the aisles,
just the loudest stankiest burps. And I was like,
this is a beautiful angel in a little garden of medications.
Who is this?
(Courtney laughs)
You were so in love with me that you were tripping over
your words and you were going, who, who, who, who,
(Courtney laughs)
who are you?
And I was like, I'm Sarah, what up baby.
(Courtney laughs)
- What didn't I like?
With your bangs parted like you were either in love
or trying to be Zac Efron.
(Audience laughs)
- Remind me about our first date.
- Oh gosh.
It's kind of hard to remember,
'Cause I just didn't really care.
You know, I wanted you to be my second make-out girl,
(Courtney laughs)
- God.
- and I know I wanted to get like a, a good like,
look at your socks.
- Yeah, you did.
You, that is cannon.
You asked to see a picture of my socks.
- Yeah, you never showed me your socks.
What the heck?
(Courtney laughs)
What you got on there right now?
- That's not what we're gonna do today.
- Show me some sock!
(Courtney laughs)
- I took you to In-N-Out .
'Cause I was trying to get it in and out.
(Carl laughs)
and then, you remember I got you that cheeseburger, right?
- Yeah.
- Animal style, I put a little bit of that,
so spicy peppers on there too, you know?
'Cause you know, you like it hot.
- Yeah, I like the pepperoncinis.
- You like it hot girl.
- Alas, we never had the chance to go on a date.
Every night, I would write a letter to you.
How I would ask you out.
I always intended on putting it in your locker,
but I never did.
And you know, I came in on a Tuesday
intending to drop it in your locker. But at lunch period,
I went up to the vending machine as I always do to order
some Nacho Cheese Doritos.
And when I put the coins in, the event happened.
It exploded a sea of Famous Amos Cookies.
(Courtney chuckles)
- We went to Benihana's.
- That's right, oh my gosh.
- That's my classic move,
I take every first date on a Benihana and they fall in love.
- Well, it worked on me.
- What do you get at Benihana?
- I get hibachi shrimp and feelings for you.
- Hell yeah.
- When the paramedics came,
they couldn't tell what was me and what was chip.
(audience laughs)
What they put in the coffin was mostly chips.
(audience laughs)
- Why did we break up?
- I mean, Erica had bigger boobs.
- That's all? That's all?
- What do you want? I was in eighth grade.
(Courtney laughs)
- We didn't break up.
Look, I don't know why were even here.
Like you called me an ex, but I'm current.
I'm present. You're my present.
- I, what? I don't know what happened.
- Nothing happened, we're still together.
I don't, again, we can wrap this up right now. Cut!
- It was like too much of like looking in a mirror,
you were wearing hoo-hoo hats,
I was wearing hoo-hoo hats. You're wearing big, large
T-shirts. I'm wearing bigger, larger t-shirts.
You got cats, I got cats. You eat food.
I eat food. It was too much.
- Yeah.
- Probably because I went to go buy some potato chips
and it exploded and I (bleep) died.
- Mhmm.
(Audience laughs)
That's probably the thing that cut off any
sort of possibility of us being together.
- Yeah, uh huh.
- Can we hold hands?
- No!
- You were the best at holding hands.
- No, I hate you! Don't be bringing back these memories,
these core memories.
- Can we hold hands?
- This hurts.
- I wanna know if the spark is still there,
'Cause I believe you held onto my wrist first, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Yeah. That's doing it for me.
- Okay.
(Courtney laughs)
It looks so dry.
- Very dry for a ghost.
- Yeah. But how do you deal with that?
- I don't.
- Oh, clearly.
- There's nothing for me to do.
Sometimes I rub Doritos on me.
It's the only thing that helps.
- Johnny, what's my best quality?
- You know, I used to say to my buddies.
I call Courtney, the old boomerang,
because every time you try to throw her away,
she just came right back.
- God dammit.
- You got a good heart girl, you got a real good heart.
You know, emotionally, you have a good heart.
Physically, I went to your cardiologist, right?
And you do need to stop with a little,
your cholesterol is a little high.
- It's probably your laugh.
Your lovely, lovely laugh.
A heavenly symphony.
(Chips Ghost laughs)
That's how you laughed in high school.
Everyone remembers.
(Chips Ghost laughs)
- I would say your best quality is how you can shake your
ass at any moment and just make it appropriate.
It's just appropriate all the time.
(Courtney laughs)
Shaking that ass.
- Um, what's my biggest flaw?
I think any moment that you take to like, shake your ass.
(All laugh)
(Sarah laughs)
- Why were you cheating on me?
- I thought we were gonna -
- You cheated on me!
- So?
- Typical Johnny.
- That's me, I'm Johnny.
That's just a Johnny thing to do.
(Courtney sighs)
Old boomerang, back at it again.
- Oh my god!
- Baby there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing.
Look, you see this angles on this face?
I see no flaws.
(Courtney laughs)
- One time I saw you try to do an ollie.
And it was absolutely (bleep).
(Courtney laughs)
- I know.
What did you learn from dating me?
- That I don't really have to try.
- It's been like 14 years.
- And you're still obsessed with me, I could tell.
(Courtney laughs)
- Dude.
- I could tell.
- How to bottle white tears.
- How to bottle white tears?
- Yeah baby girl, you cry a lot.
- I know.
(Carl laughs)
Why are you laughing at me?
- I'm not. I would never laugh at you queen.
I learned that maybe three cats was too many.
I really got the third one to see if you would copy me.
And it was like, it was a mistake.
You didn't copy me.
Now I have this weird third cat that talks all the time
and doesn't let me sleep.
- Our love, it is universal. It is bigger than this room.
It's a big love, girl. It's a BIG love!
(Courtney laughs)
- I would have learned everything. Spanish.
(Courtney laughs)
- I mean look at his feet.
(Audience laughs)
- My feet are the only human remains as myself.
(Audience laughs)
Like a spirit farmers tan.
(Audience laughs)
- Carl, if you had the last word, what would it be?
Carl.
- If I had the last word, it would be Courtney.
(Courtney laughs)
- Thanks Carl.
- Yeah, so we, this is over right?
Hop on!
- Okay, Carl, Carl!
- Come on, baby!
- This is why we're over!
Sarah, if you had the last word, what would it be?
- Meow!
(Courtney laughs)
- So happy for you and all your successes.
- Thanks. I'm having a really great time.
- Maybe a nice boop!
(Courtney chuckles)
Alas Courtney, I must go. Let me go Courtney.
Stop holding on.
- Okay.
- I'm fading away now.
I'm going.
I'm gonna the other plane, I'm going now.
Ah ! Ah, Waaaaah!
- Is he in pain or?
If you had the last word, what would it be?
- That take me back.
- What?
- I'm lost without you.
- Johnny.
- It's been downhill ever since middle school,
watching those videos just brought back so many memories.
You thought you were gonna spend the rest of your life
with me, we could still do that.
We can still.
- Are you trying to cry?
- I am crying.
- Johnny. I'm sorry, but I've moved on.
Okay. That's not, all right.
You good? Okay.
- Can you call me an Uber?
I don't have my phone on me.
Don't you have your phone on you?
- Yeah, but I only have angry birds on there.
- All right, I think I got the closure I needed.
Well,
I survived.
Um, thank you for watching.
And if you have anybody else that you want to interview
their exes, please let us know.
Put them through the same pain? Journey?
That I did. Um, let us know who,
who else do you want to see in these chairs. Thank you.
I'm sorry?