It's the most popular topic here at Live On Purpose TV and I've got some new
ideas for you today about how to stop yelling at your kids.
One of my colleagues who is also a professional psychologist recently told me, "Hey, Paul.
Every problem we have is a problem with thinking." Now, I've thought about that a
little bit and I think he's probably right. It's hard to imagine how something
my kid is doing this so frustrating has got me to the point where I'm yelling.
What? That's a problem with thinking? No. That's a problem with my kids behavior.
Actually, let's take a look at that. Our thinking is what has us yelling. It's not
our child's behavior. Sure, there are things that could be improved about our
kids behavior. But let's take a look at the thinking. We have an expectation that
our kids should do something or that it's supposed to be this other way. And
it's not. Anytime our experience violates what our expectation is, it causes a
little bump in our emotions, okay? And you've felt it, haven't you? Where it just
gets ratcheted up to a point where you lose it, you lose control. That's a
problem with thinking. If we didn't think it was a problem, we wouldn't yell. This
can be a little frustrating to hear at first. So, let's dig into some things that
we can actually do. And the next thing that I want to talk to you about is
problem ownership. Problem ownership is simply getting clear about who owns the
problem. And there's a clear way to define that. Whoever is bothered owns the
problem. Now, think about that usually when you yell at your kids, who's
bothered? Well, you are. Because you're the one who's yelling.
Is your kid bothered by what you just yelled at them for? Typically no.
Yelling at your child doesn't necessarily shift the problem over to
them. It does call to their attention that there is
problem and that their parent has a problem. In fact, they might look at you
like you're a ranting raving lunatic. Right? So, they know that there's a
problem going up. They still don't own the problem. Problem ownership allows us
to identify what's bothering us and then solve the problem in whatever way is
most likely to bring about a positive outcome. Can I share a quick example with
you? One of the dads that I was working with was so frustrated with his son for
leaving the lights on when he left for school. And dad usually left for work
before the son left for school. So, the lights would be on all day burning up all
of that valuable energy and dads paying the power bill. Who has the problem there?
I asked this father and he was very quick to say, "Well, my son has the problem.
He doesn't turn the lights off." But really you and I know. Who has the
problem here? Dad has the problem. Dad's problem is the lights are on all day and
the power bill is skyrocketing. That's dad's problem. If dad thinks that
it's the sons problem, he's going to yell at the son to solve the problem. Well, the
son doesn't have the problem. So, I talked to dad about some things he could do to
solve his problem. He actually came up with a pretty brilliant solution as he
simply went into that room where his son was leaving the lights on. The son's
bedroom and removed the light bulbs. Problem solved....
...for dad.
Now who has a problem? Well, son comes home from school flips the light,
flips the light. Nothing. Now son has a problem. That's okay. He can
solve that problem. He can approach dad, he can talk to him about how to get the
light bulbs back. And they can have an interaction that will allow them to
solve this problem. Nobody else. Now, in this example, son might yell at dad
because the light bulbs are missing. Because they have a family culture now
of yelling at somebody who doesn't actually have the problem. The person who
owns the problem is the most likely person to
the problem. Next, I'm going to share with you one of the most powerful strategies
that you can apply right now immediately to stop yelling at your kids. And that is
to detach yourself from the outcomes. This is hard. It's simple. But simple and
easy are not the same thing. You need to detach from the outcomes. And to identify
what that is, just ask yourself "What is it that I'm yelling at my kids about?" And
it's usually something about their behavior or lack thereof. They're letting
something slip. They're not doing what you asked them to do. They're pestering
and teasing each other. Whatever it is. It has to do with their behavior, right? What
if you were to detach yourself from the outcomes so that they could do that and
you'd be fine with it? I know. This sounds counterintuitive but stay with me here
because this is probably one of the most powerful ways to shift the psychology
back over to have your child own this problem instead of having you own the
problem. As long as you're attached to the outcomes, you own the problem. Who's
most likely to solve the problem? The person who owns it. That's why you yell
because you're frustrated. You have no power to solve their behavior, they do.
And so, you yell at them to try to get them to solve your problem. Do you see
how this plays out? I want you to detach from the outcomes. Now, I've got a
strategy for you that will help you to do that. In another video, I talked about
identifying 2 alternatives. 2 choices that your child has. Let's just go mental
here for a minute. Get into your own mind. Identify 2 alternatives. And one of
them is the one that you want. And the other one is one that you control. When
you detach yourself from the outcomes, the one that you want no longer hold you
hostage. You're okay with that and you're okay with this.
So, let me give you an example of what I mean. The father and the son for example,
"Hey, you can turn off the lights like I've asked you to or I can remove those
light bulbs and the light will be often. Either way my problem solved. I'm good."
That's why we have to detach from the outcomes. If you're good with this and
you're good with that, who has the problem now? See how that shifts it right
back to them? "Sweetie, you can turn in all of your homework on time the way we've
discussed with your teacher or...." And then what do you control over here. It might
be access to a digital device, right? 'I'm really okay with either way what's best
for you." Do you see how I've detached from the outcome now? And it puts it right
back on my child. This is powerful. You don't even have to reveal to your child
what the two alternatives are. As long as you've got it in your own mind, you're
good. Because you know that either this is going to happen which is kind of what
I was hoping for. But I've detached from that outcome. And this is a legitimate
option as well. Because if you choose this, you're going to learn something.
There will be some consequences that will help you to make better choices in
the future. I'm okay with that. See, as a parent, I'm good either way.
No reason to yell. I have just shared with you
the most powerful mental strategy I can think of to help you stop yelling as a
parent. Remember on these 2 alternatives that
you think of in your mind, "You're okay with either one." If you're not, you're
going to feel some frustration. You're going to feel a need to stay attached to this
outcome because that's really what you want them to do. Give yourself another
alternative. And whether you tell them to your kids or not, it's totally up to you.
This is a mental game that we're playing. You have to be okay with both. And you
have to be able to enforce one of them. Because that one becomes the
default if they refuse to choose. That's when you're going to go with because
you can control it. This has an amazing effect on your own mental health. And it
puts you in a position where you don't have to yell because you're good with
whatever happens. Isn't that awesome? We've got your back on this whole parenting
thing. I don't know if you knew about the resources that are available to you
right now Live On Purpose central. There's a special link in the
description. You're going to get some gifts and prizes just for going over there.
Come and check it out. We even have a 5-day challenge. Specific things you
can do for 5 days in a row to stop yelling at your kids. Come and check it
out live on purpose central. The link is in the description.