Then, when I was 27, I was diagnosed with PCOS,
Polycystic ovary syndrome.
I saw a list of my complications
and saw infertility as one of them.
Suddenly the question of do I want kids?
flip to, can I even have kids?
I pushed this question far into the back of my mind.
And I said, I'd really think about it when I turned 30.
Then life did its thing and here I was 30 years old.
The pace of my life has slowed down.
The lessons I learned in 2020 were becoming more ingrained
in my mind.
But even though I was 30,
I was in no rush to start a family.
Ben and I talked about having kids one day
but it wasn't now, maybe in a few years.
But the only change I made was to get off birth control.
Then this happened.
According to this period calculator,
I am 16 days late.
I'm scared.
I haven't told Ben.
I haven't told a single soul
but I got a test.
I was scared to take this because,
if I'm pregnant like everything's gonna change.
I don't know if I'm gonna be a good mother.
(crying)
I feel like I should be happy for something
but I'm just really scared,
what if I try my best
and my kid still doesn't love me?
(crying)
Why does my mind do this?
Why does it?
Why can't I just be excited?
(crying)
I haven't even taken the test
and I'm like sobbing.
Okay.
I don't know if I should take it though.
Oh my god.
But I kinda wanna know
but then it says on the directions
to like use my morning pee
and it's like the afternoon, it's like late afternoon.
But I need to know.
I feel like this is Pandora's box.
Like once I open this, there's like, no going back.
If I see two lines,
then
everything's gonna change.
(sighs)
I don't know if I am ready.
I just fucking did it.
I fucking did it.
I peed on the stick.
My heart is racing so fast.
(grumbles)
I'm shitting myself.
Oh shit!
There are few definitive moments
in your life that leave you in a position like this.
It was life before this moment
and after this moment.
And right here, all I felt was pure fear.
Two lines, clear and distinct, no room for error.
I am pregnant.
My tears stopped and my body went numb.
I was in complete shock.
I had to tell Ben
Oh my goodness!
- [Jenn] This is a moment of bliss.
- Oh my god!
- [Jenn] His reaction made me feel so safe and loved.
We sat down and discussed this life changing news
and agreed that this was in a way perfect timing.
(laughs)
- [Jenn] But once that happy moment passed,
reality set in.
it's always taken me a bit longer
to process huge changes in my life.
And I kept flipping back and forth from,
I think I can do this
to I am not ready.
I knew nothing about babies.
I also felt like I was mourning this chapter of my life
because it was about to end.
I also felt immense guilt that I even felt this way,
knowing that so many women were struggling to get pregnant.
I was emotionally off the rails
and I had to tell my mom.
I needed to talk to someone who is a mother.
(speaking foreign language)
- [Jenn] I instantly felt reassured.
(speaking foreign language)
- [Jenn] During times of crisis,
I just need someone I love
to remind me that everything is gonna be okay.
I am seven weeks pregnant now
and I actually feel a lot better.
It's crazy, I can't believe I just found out last week.
So my mind, my state of mind has calmed down.
I feel hopeful.
Now that I was beginning to feel more settled
about this new life change,
I was on a mission to learn everything about Parenthood.
I ordered books, join Reddit forums,
downloaded pregnancy apps
and I watched hours and hours of birthing vlogs.
It was the only thing I was focusing on
as pregnant women were bombarded
with so many things we can't do and should do.
And the more I learned,
the more I felt like I didn't know anything at all.
Each new topic just became a new wormhole
of infinite information.
I started to slip into my habit of catastrophizing.
There is so much doubt in my head.
I knew it was time for therapy.
The best advice I got,
was to take only the responsibilities
needed for that week I was in.
So if I was only eight weeks pregnant,
my job was to do only what eight weeks pregnant people do.
Which is to take a prenatal,
drink water and avoid stress.
I finally started to feel better
and I was beginning to fully surrender to this new change.
Yes, my body will change.
Yes, my lifestyle will change.
Yes, my priorities will change.
Then, I finally saw you at the ultrasound
and seeing you made everything real.
You were just tiny gummy bear at that point
but there you were
in this pixelated screen.
- How we can hear the heartbeat as well.
- I know.
Wow!
Each time I saw you,
I fell in love with you a little bit more.
This urgency to protect you flooded in me.
I just wanna take care of you
and there are so many things,
I'm dying to know about you.
What's your favorite meal gonna be?
What's gonna make you laugh?
Who will your friends be?
What will you look like?
Will you have your dad's eyes?
My nose?
Who will you be?
I don't even know you yet,
but how do I love you so much already?
- [Ben] Jenn's pregnant!
(cheering)
(clapping)
(cheering)
- [Ben] Jenn's pregnant.
(cheering)
That's your grandson.
or your granddaughter.
- You are?
- [Jenn] Yeah.
- Oh my god!
[Jenn] Yeah.
- Holy shit!
- [Jenn] I know.
We're excited to share everything with you
and we're excited to teach you everything that we know.
But already, you're teaching me so much too.
And the first lesson you taught me,
is to surrender to this beautiful gift of the unknown
and trust that everything is gonna be okay.
And we are so excited to be your parents.
(soft music)