Hey Tripp, anonymous listener from Canada here, 29. I will get to the question first
and then give an example. The example is just one of many similar interactions.
The question – how do I get over the shame from rejection? I met my roommate's girlfriend's
roommate and she was quite lovely. Hold on, let me make sense of this. My roommate's girlfriend's
roommate, got it. I would run into her here and there and she would light up, smile and be open to
talking. I built up some confidence and asked her out to dinner. She said yes, we planned a day and
time and she was excited about it. I picked her up and she said she can only hang out for 30 minutes
because she had just made other plans an hour before I picked her up. She told me what it was
and it wasn't anything serious or family related. She had the option of doing it whenever and chose
to not tell me until after she got into the car. I was frazzled. But she still did want to hang
out for 30 minutes. And since she was in my car, I didn't want to be perceived as a dick and cancel.
I may not have confidence, but my time is valuable and doing that is not cool. Anyways, after that,
I get ashamed. I didn't even have a chance. I didn't even get a chance. Now my roommate will
know what happened. And it's embarrassing because it's been so long that I've been on
a real date. I feel like I'm unable to attract a woman, so why ask someone out? This is just my
most recent experience, but it always seems to end like this with me feeling ashamed
and emasculated. Alright, this is... wow, this is interesting. What a great question.
There's a few things to cover here per usual. The first thing that I pick up on in this question is
how you reacted to her wanting to hang out for 30 minutes. The original plan was to go out to
dinner, she said yes to the dinner, and then you guys planned a day and a time. Then she comes in
and says I can hang for 30 minutes, but she had other plans. I would have canceled that date,
I would have canceled that date. I don't want to be someone's afterthought and I don't want
you to be someone's afterthought. It's like, in a situation like this... and I get this
is a little bit more difficult because it's your roommate's girlfriend's roommate,
but still, it doesn't matter. Honestly, what I would have done... and because 30 minutes,
just saying yes to that makes you look weak and almost beta, honestly. Just
accepting that like it's okay. That is not what you want. And I don't want you guys trying to
maneuver your way to do things so it works for the girl. You got to do what works for you.
And I can tell by the way that you wrote this and the tone that you did not want to just hang out
for 30 minutes, this was a waste of your time. And I completely agree, it is a waste of your time.
This is a unique situation so I know I'm going to give advice here and this most likely won't
happen to most of you. But it's still the mindset behind it. The advice I want to give you here is,
if you ever end up in a situation where it's not this type of situation that you are looking for,
you do not have to do that. You don't have to do that. Because you're not the dick here. Honestly,
she is. But I don't want to sit here and complain and play victim either. I don't want to be like
well, she's a bitch. No, just think about yourself and your time. And obviously 30 minute quick
hangout, it's going to feel rushed, is a very low value type of hangout. Obviously the best hangout,
the one that you were hoping for was more intimate, longer, where you guys can connect
and talk and you can have an opportunity to build attraction and more importantly, see if she's
someone who's cool to see again. I would have said, "hey, you know what, let's not rush this and
let's do this another time if you're still interested." This is one of those times where
I'd put the ball in her court almost because I don't want to do the date unless
she is very interested in doing it. Normally, I know I tell you guys you want to be dominant
and lead and all that stuff. But this is one of those like, we just put that out there as a test.
She doesn't seem that interested so we're not going to convince her because we don't want to
hang out with low interest. We only want to hang out with high interest. This is a filter for high
level of interest. And how do we filter? In this specific case the ball is in her court. I'd say,
"listen, let's not do it. I'd rather not do this rushed. I actually wanted to have
more of a hangout with you so if you're down we can do it again, otherwise, it's all good." I'd
try almost to give her the out. And you're doing this specifically because you're only trying to
hang out with high level of interest women. That's the first thing. Now to your question,
how do I get over the shame from rejection? I'm not gonna treat you like a child. I don't like
to treat anyone here like a child. You are all adults, at least you should be. You should be
hopefully 18 or over if you're listening to this podcast. I'm going to treat you like an adult.
I'm not going to baby you. And I'm going to say this... you probably are not doing enough volume
and I want you to stand the fuck up and stop complaining and get your ass out there.
That's my tough love for you. I don't want you to be looking for some sort of like,
I'm going to console you and make you feel better. And I get it – shame from rejection sucks.
But what I need to do is toughen you up a little bit. And the way I'm going to
do that is let you know that if you cannot handle rejection, then don't play this game.
Stop taking rejection personally, stop feeling so ashamed and emasculated, your words.
You said it always seems to end like you're feeling ashamed and emasculated. You need to work
on building attraction. Your sentence before this quote, I feel like I'm unable to attract a woman
so why ask someone out? This is victim mentality and I don't like it. None of you guys
should be playing victim. None of you guys should be saying woe is me. I can't do it. Come on.
Yes, you can. You have 583, this is episode 583, you have 583 podcasts that either
directly teach you in the full hour and 45 minute long podcast how to build attraction,
or at least everyone teaches it on some level. You have opportunities. You also have opportunities
for coaching. You and I can do coaching. I have a book. I have a course. It's all there.
What I need you to do is stop playing victim, stand up, brush yourself off, and don't let a
couple of rejections get you down. I mean, if you want to go out there and meet an amazing woman,
you're going to have to get rejected probably over 100 times. Now, here's some advice.
This has all been advice. But speaking specifically to the shame part.
Gotta remember, these women that are rejecting you, they don't even know you.
Or we can say this, they're rejecting a version of you. I was a person who got rejected all the
time. And then after working on myself, I stopped getting rejected as much. Of course
I still got rejected, you can't get every girl in the world. And the guys that I coach used to
always get rejected a lot, until they learned the ways to attract women and then they don't
get rejected as much. Right now you're dealing with an old iOS, an old operating
system. Let's just say this, the way to filter this to make yourself feel better about this
is... they are not rejecting you, they're rejecting an old version of you. You can change
any day you want. I'm not hearing the question from you anonymous. How do I build attraction?
How do I be a more attractive person? How do I stick up for myself?
How do I be more confident? Instead, you're just saying how do I get rid of the shame. And I get
it. But let's flip the question now. How do I become a guy that women want to be with?
That's the question that's like I said, answered here on the podcast, through my TED system that I
talk about quite a bit in my book and my coaching, on my YouTube channel, on my TikTok, all over.
And that's what you need to be researching and working on. Stop equating
shame and rejection. Think of rejection as part of the process. I mean, if you wanted to get a job
are you just gonna quit because you're feeling shameful because you're not getting the job,
but you're doing a lot of interviews? No, you're not. You're gonna keep going because
this is what you need to do. And I want you to look at this as something that you need to do.
Because this is – every guy should learn this stuff. This should not be a podcast of oh, well,
I want to learn how to get better with women. This should not be extra curricular. This needs to be
in every guy's head. That's how much I believe in this stuff.
This is information that every guy needs to know. You need to learn how to be better with women.
You need to learn how to be better with people. You need to
build confidence to this process so you can be an amazing man for an amazing woman that you meet
and for the rest of the people that you meet. You need to do this for yourself.