>>> AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR "CHURCH CHAT."
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU. THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO CHURCH CHAT. I'M THE CHURCH LADY.
IT'S INTERESTING TIMES ISN'T IT AMERICA.
NOW WE HAVE LANDED ON THE EXCITING, MATCH UP, BETWEEN A
GUTLESS LIBERAL DEMOCRAT AND HILLARY CLINTON.
MY FAVORITE, THE MET GALA BALL, STRUMPETS, STREET
WALKERS, SLUTS, GET TO PARADE AROUND IN THE LATEST FASHION.
FIRST WE HAVE MADONNA. LET'S SEE WHAT THE 57-YEAR-OLD
MOTHER CHOSE TO WEAR. OH.
LOOK HER FANNY IS JUST HANGING OUT.
WITH THOSE STURDY STRAPS TO PUSH THOSE SIX DECADE OLD BUNS
STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN. THEN WE HAVE BEYONCE.
SHE MUST HAVE BEEN THINKING WHAT SHOULD I WEAR TO THE BALL
TONIGHT? I KNOW, A GIANT LATEX CONDOM.
ALL WRAPPED UP AND READY TO FORNICATE.
SPEAKING OF FORNICATING, BEYONCE MADE A RECORD CALLED "LEMONADE"
WHICH CELEBRATED HER HUSBAND'S INFIDELITY.
WITH THAT IN MIND INTRODUCING TODAY'S SPONSOR, CHURCH LADY
LEMONADE. FRESHLY SQUEEZED JUST LIKE
JAY-Z'S NAUGHTY PARTS. TOO SOON?
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
NOW, LET'S TALK POLITICS, SHALL WE.
MY FIRST GUEST IS SOME ONE I TALK ABOUT QUITE A BIT HERE ON
CHURCH CHAT. BUT WE HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY MET
FACE TO FACE. PLEASE WELCOME SATAN.
♪♪♪ [ APPLAUSE ]
YOU CAN ACTUALLY JUST CALL ME TED CRUZ.
>> OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY ABOUT THAT.
I WAS QUOTING ONE OF YOUR COLLEAGUES, I BELIEVE, FORMER
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, JOHN BOEHNER.
>> SURE, NO, JOHN IS ALWAYS COMING UP WITH HILARIOUS
NICKNAMES FOR ME. BUSTER, SON OF A GUN.
>> I BELIEVE THE PHRASE WAS LUCIFER IN THE FLESH.
YEAH, LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT THAN BUSTER.
AND NOW, YOU HAVE QUIT THE RACE ENTIRELY.
WHY DO YOU THINK IT DIDN'T WORK OUT?
WELL, CHURCH LADY, I SUPPOSE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WEREN'T READY
FOR A CANDIDATE WITH STRONG CHRISTIAN VALUES.
SOMEONE LIKE ME WHO FOLLOWS THE RIGHTEOUS PATH AND LIVES HIS
FAITH EVERY BLESSED MOMENT. >> HAS ANY ONE EVER TOLD YOU YOU
ARE JUST A LITTLE BIT PREACHY? JUST A LITTLE BIT.
WE LIKE OURSELVES, LOOK AT THAT FACE.
WE LOVE OURSELVES. THERE IS OUR HAPPY SUPERIOR
FACE. BECAUSE WE LOVE JESUS MORE THAN
ANYBODY. >> I DO PRAY TO GOD.
I THINK EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED WAS PART OF GOD'S PLAN.
>> WAS IT, GOD'S PLAN WAS FOR YOU TO GET HUMILIATED BY AN
ORANGE MANNEQUIN. THAT'S KIND OF AN ODD PLAN FOR
GOOD TO HAVE FOR YOU, ISN'T IT? NOW, TELL ME, TED MAN WALKING,
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW? WELL, ACTUALLY, CHURCH LADY, I
HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT TURNING EVIL FOR A WHILE.
GOING TO THE DARK SIDE. I MEAN I HAVE BEEN TOLD TO GO TO
HELL SO MANY TIMES, I THINK IT IS FINALLY TIME TO CHECK IT OUT.
[ CACKLING LAUGH ] >> WHAT A FUN TRIP YOU ARE
LOOKING FORWARD TO. I RARELY SAY THIS IS AN
ENCOURAGING WAY, BUT SEE YOU IN HELL.
>> THANK YOU, CHURCH LADY. >> OUR FINAL GUEST TODAY IS THE
PRESUMPTIVE REPUBLICAN DIVORCEE, I MEAN NOMINEE.
PLEASE WELCOME, THE TANGERINE TORNADO HIMSELF,
DONALD J. TRUMP. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HI, DONNY, HAVE A SEAT. LOOK AT YOU.
>> HI, CHURCH LADY. GREAT TO BE HERE.
THE PLACE LOOKS TREMENDOUS. BELIEVE ME,
THIS IS ONE CLASSY FUN HOUSE. >> ACTUALLY THIS IS WHAT WE CALL
A CHURCH. SOMETHING TELLS ME YOU'RE NOT A
BIG CHURCH-GOER. >> OH, I'M A BIG CHURCH-GOER.
I AM THERE ALL THE TIME. SOMETIMES I GO EVEN WHEN IT'S
NOT CHURCH DAY. >> WOW, WHAT A WELL PUT
STATEMENT. DOES DONNY EVER TAKE A GANDER
AT THE HOLY SCRIPTURE. >> HONESTLY, I LOVE ALL THE
BOOKS IN THE FINAL. THEY'RE ALL TERRIFIC.
CORINTHIANS, BOOK OF REVELATIONS, TWO GENESIS, TWO
FURIOUS. WHICH SAYS, AND I QUOTE "LOVE
THY NEIGHBOR AS THY SELF AND LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR STATE FARM
IS THERE." AND, ALWAYS KEEP THE SABBATH
HUGE. AND THE PART WHERE JOHN SNOW
COMES BACK TO LIFE. THAT'S GREAT BIBLE.
>> ISN'T THAT SPECIAL. [ APPLAUSE ]
DONNY, DONNY, THERE ARE TOSE WHO SAY YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER A CELEBRITY
APPRENTICE EPISODE WHERE GARY BUSEY DIDN'T SELL ENOUGH
PANCAKES. AND YOU SAID "YOU'RE FIRED."
I THOUGHT RIGHT THEN AND THERE, GIVE THIS MAN THE NUCLEAR CODE.
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT.
>> NOW, SPEAKING OF OBSERVING GOD'S COMMANDMENTS OR NOT.
I UNDERSTAND YOUR FAMILY IS HERE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. GET IN HERE GUYS, MY WIFE
MELANIA. >> HELLO, IT IS SO WONDERFUL TO
BE HERE. >> MY LOVELY DAUGHTER, IVANKA.
>> SORT OF GREAT TO BE HERE AS WELL.
WHO'S THE THIRD WOMAN DOWN THERE?
>> THAT'S JUST ANOTHER MODEL. I MEAN SHE'S GREAT ENERGY TO
HAVE AROUND. >> I'M SURE.
>> LET'S HAVE FUN! IT LIKES ALL KINDS OF FLESH
DOESN'T IT? TELL ME, DONALD, HAVE YOU
FIGURED OUT WHO YOUR VICE PRESIDENT IS GOING TO BE.
SOMEBODY WHO SHARES YOUR TEMPERAMENTS AND VALUES, SOMEONE
LIKE I DON'T KNOW -- COULD IT BE -- SATAN.
TEDDY IS A DEMON, MY GOD. >> I AM NO LONGER, TED CRUZ.
I AM THE LORD OF SHADOWS. >> ARE YOU SURE YOU AREN'T LORD
OF THE WEAK CHINS. >> SORRY, DONALD.
>> YOU ART FIRST GUY WHO GOT POSSESSED AND LOOKS BETTER.
YOU ARE SUCH A JERK, DONALD. I'M GOING BACK TO HELL, THEY'RE
NICER THERE. >> WELL THAT WAS AN EVENTFUL
CHURCH CHAT. THANK YOU FOR LETTING US CHAT IT
UP WITH YOU. RIGHT NOW ALL I HAVE GOT TO SAY
IS -- LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!