WELCOME, ONE AT ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. I'VE GOT AN ATTITUDE OF
GRATITUDE RIGHT NOW AND THE PEOPLE THAT I WANT TO THANK OUR
THIS AUDIENCE FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THESE PEOPLE.
AFTER WEATHERING THE AGGRESSIVE FLURRIES OUTSIDE.
YOU'RE THE HEROES, AND I WISH WE THOUGHT AHEAD TO TURN
UP THE HEAT ON IN HERE. OF COURSE, THERE'S BAD WEATHER
ALL OVER. MASSIVE SNOW UP IN NEW ENGLAND.
OUT IN CALIFORNIA, THEY'VE BEEN HIT BY SOMETHING CALLED AN
ATMOSPHERIC RIVER. COINCIDENTALLY, ALSO MY FAVORITE
SCENT FROM PACO RABANNE. THIS RIVER HAS CAUSED TORRENTIAL
RAINS AND DEVASTATING FLOODING LIKE THIS.
WHICH IS YET ANOTHER REASON WHY SOME CALIFORNIA BANKS
ARE UNDERWATER. SOMETHING HAS CLEARLY THROWN OFF
MIXED REACTION FROM THE AUDI
AUDIENCE. SOMETHING HAS CLEARLY THROWN OFF
THE BALANCE OF OUR PLANET. MAYBE IT'S GLOBAL WARMING.
MAYBE IT'S THE FACT THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT MADE HIS
FIRST IOWA VISIT FOR THE 2024 CAMPAIGN.
>> [BOOING] >> AGGGGHHH!
THIS IS THE MOMENT I'VE BEEN DREADING FOR OVER TWO YEARS.
I SAID I WOULDN'T DO THE IMPRESSION ANYMORE, BUT HIS
CAMPAIGN HAS BEGUN, SO HERE WE GO.
[CLEARS THROAT] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
"MYEH, SEE! I USED TO BE THE PRESIDENT!
MYEH!" PERSON, WOMAN,
MAN, CAMERA, TV, MYEH!"
I'LL WORK ON IT. I LOVE PD BUT T --
I LOVE PT BUT NOT THAT MUCH. THE FORMER PRESIDENT STARTED
TALKING TO THE PRESS BEFORE HIS PLANE EVEN LANDED,
SPECIFICALLY ABOUT HIS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND
CHILD'S DRAWING OF A SAD MAN, MIKE PENCE.
OVER THE WEEKEND, AT THE GRIDIRON DINNER, PENCE SAID
HISTORY WILL HOLD THE FORMER PRESIDENT
ACCOUNTABLE FOR JANUARY 6TH.
BUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT FOUND SOMEONE ELSE TO BLAME, TELLING
REPORTERS "HAD PENCE SENT THE VOTES BACK TO THE
LEGISLATURES, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE HAD A PROBLEM WITH JANUARY 6TH,
SO IN MANY WAYS YOU CAN BLAME PENCE FOR JANUARY 6TH."
NO, NO, NO, NO. HE'S RIGHT, IN MANY WAYS
MIKE PENCE IS TO BLAME FOR THE CROWD TRYING TO HANG HIM.
I MEAN, DID YOU SEE WHAT HIS NECK WAS WEARING?
THAT ADAM'S APPLE LEFT NOTHING TO THE IMAGINATION.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT CONTINUED, "HAD HE SENT THE BALLOTS BACK,
I BELIEVE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE HAD JANUARY 6TH,
AS WE CALL IT." AS WE CALL IT?
IT'S A DAY! WE'VE ALWAYS CALLED
JANUARY 6 JANUARY 6 'CAUSE THAT'S THE DAY IT IS.
"I'M GONNA GRILL UP SOME HOT DOGS, LIGHT SOME FIREWORKS,
AND CELEBRATE A LITTLE THING I LIKE TO CALL
THE FOURTH OF JULY. TRADEMARK."
HE ALSO WENT AFTER HIS CHIEF 2024 RIVAL, FLORIDA GOVERNOR
RON DeSANTIS, WHOM HE CLAIMED IS IN THE NATIONAL SPOTLIGHT
ONLY BECAUSE OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S 2018
ENDORSEMENT, SAYING, "IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME,
RON DeSANCTIMONIOUS WOULD RIGHT NOW BE WORKING
AT A LAW FIRM OR MAYBE A PIZZA HUT."
OR, IF HE WAS REALLY AMBITIOUS, A COMBINATION
LAW FIRM-PIZZA HUT. YOU KNOW THEIR SLOGAN:
"NO ONE OUT-PIZZAS SCHAFERMAN, LAKIN, AND ASSOCIATES."
"HELLO, I'D LIKE TO ORDER A LARGE MEATLOVERS DIVORCE.
OOH, GARLIC KNOTS." THE FORMER PRESIDENT ALSO
EXPLAINED HIS NEW NICKNAME FOR DeSANTIS, SAYING:
"I USE THE WORD RON DeSANCTIMONIOUS
OR RON DeSANCTUS, IT'S JUST A SHORTER VERSION."
YES, BECAUSE ALL NICKNAMES NEED A NICKNAME.
"THEY CALL ME T-BONE, WHICH IS OF COURSE SHORT
FOR "TYRANNOSAURUS BONE." THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS CLEARLY
LOSING HIS NICKNAME GAME, BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAS A
PERFECT NICKNAME FOR DeSANCTUS THAT HE'S REJECTED.
AND IT'S "MEATBALL RON," WHICH HE SAYS IS "TOO CRUDE."
YEAH, HE SAYS A LOT OF NASTY THINGS, BUT HE DRAWS THE LINE
AT MEATBALLS. THAT IS SACRED GROUND.
BEEF, PORK, VEAL, LAMB. WHEN IT CAME TIME FOR HIS
SPEECH, THE FORMER PRESIDENT BRAGGED ABOUT ALMOST
HAVING DONE SOMETHING. >> I VIRTUALLY ELIMINATED THE
UNFAIR ESTATE TAX, OR DEATH TAX. IF YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN,
YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR FARM TO YOUR KIDS.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR KIDS THAT MUCH OR DON'T LIKE THEM
AT ALL, WHICH HAPPENS ON OCCASION, DON'T LEAVE THEM
A THING. >> Stephen: "HEY!
DAD'S TALKING ABOUT ME! THANKS FOR THE
SHOUT OUT, DAD! THE ONLY THING I WANT YOU TO
LEAVE ME... IS A HUG."
OR JUST... OR JUST SLIP ME IN THE CASKET
WITH YOU. KINDA DARK, KINDA SAD.
THE EX-PRESIDENT ISN'T THE ONLY ONE OUT THERE
RAISING HIS PROFILE. DeSANTIS WAS ON FOX NEWS
THIS WEEKEND, TALKING TO THE BROWN HAIRED GUY WHO'S NOT
STEVE DOOCY ABOUT WHAT HE LEARNED FROM PLAYING BASEBALL
IN COLLEGE. >> LOCKER ROOM GETS YOU READY
FOR THE PRESS RIGHT? BECAUSE YOUR TEAMMATES IF THEY
LIKE YOU A LOT, THEY RIP YOU ALL THE TIME.
>> THE WAY YOU KNOW THAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU IS IF THEY'RE
MAKING FUN OF YOU. >> Stephen: WELL, THEN,
RON DeSANTIS, I'M ABOUT TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND.
IN FACT, I LIKE YOU SO MUCH, I'M GONNA SAY YOU LOOK LIE
A FRANKENSTEIN STITCHED TOGETHER FROM DEAD
PERSONAL INJURY LAWYERS. NOW YOU MAY BE WONDERING, WHY IS
THAT INTERVIEW OUTSIDE? 'CAUSE RON DeSANTIS
WANTS TO CONNECT WITH EVERY DAY SPORT-LOVING AMERICANS,
SO HE PLAYED CATCH IN A LITERAL SOFTBALL INTERVIEW.
ALTHOUGH YOU'LL NOTICE, THROUGHOUT THE SEGMENT,
THE EDITORS CUT AWAY SO THAT YOU DON'T ACTUALLY SEE
THE BALL BEING THROWN AND CAUGHT IN THE SAME SHOT.
NOW, THAT'S A WEIRD WAY TO SHOW TWO GUYS TOSSING A BALL, BUT I'M
SURE IT WAS A REAL GAME OF CATCH.
THAT'S JUST HOW WE DO IT ON TV. FOR INSTANCE, LOUIS AND I HAVE
A CATCH ALMOST EVERY NIGHT. HEY, LOUIS, CATCH.
>> Louis: NICE TOSS, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: THANKS.
GO LONG! YOU'VE GOT THE ARM.
SMOKING THAT PITCH. SPEAKING OF EUROPE, WE GOT NEWS
FROM ROME, BECAUSE THIS WEEK, POPE FRANCIS SUGGESTED HE'LL
REVIEW THE CATHOLIC CHURCH'S VOW OF CELIBACY FOR PRIESTS.
NOW, I DON'T THINK THIS IS THAT BIG OF A DEAL.
I MEAN, THERE ARE NOT A LOT OF SEXY PRIESTS.
OH, MY GOD. OH, FROCK ME.
JUST A MOMENT, I'M BEING TOLD WE FORGOT ONE HOT PRIEST.
FORGIVE ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE ZADDIED.
THE PONTIFF PONTIFICATED SAYING CELIBACY IN THE WESTERN CHURCH
AS A TEMPORARY PRESCRIPTION I WANT TO POPES IS TEMPORARY, HE
MEANS SINCE THE 11TH CENTURY. FOR THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, 1,000
YEARS IS YESTERDAY. IT'S WHY THEY STILL HAVEN'T
ADOPTED THE CUTTING-EDGE TECHNOLOGY OF PANTS.
FOLKS, FOR THIS STORY, I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY
ON BEHALF OF MYSELF AND THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA,
FOR WOEFULLY FAILING YOU. WHILE WE WERE BUSY TALKING ABOUT
BANK FAILURES AND A LAND WAR IN EUROPE, WE HAVE NOT GIVEN
SUFFICIENT SCRUTINY TO THE STORY THAT WAS BROKEN BY THE
TALLAHASSEE DEMOCRAT OVER TWO WEEKS AGO.
THAT STORY: A LARGE CLAM WAS DISCOVERED IN FLORIDA.
IT'S THE KIND OF STORY YOU DON'T SEE EVERY DAY, UNLESS YOU'RE IN
FLORIDA, WHERE THERE ARE A GOOD NUMBER OF LARGE CLAMS.
AS I'M SURE YOU'RE NOW ALL AWARE.
THIS IS NO ORDINARY LARGE CLAM. THIS ONE IS BELIEVED TO BE BORN
IN 1809, THE SAME BIRTH YEAR AS OUR 16TH PRESIDENT,
WHICH IS WHY IT GOT THE NICKNAME
ABRA-CLAM LINCOLN. NOW,
SO FAR IT ALL CHECKS OUT. I JUST HAVE ONE PROBLEM WITH
THIS THIS STORY.
WE'VE ALL SEEN THE SENSATIONALIST REPORTING.
ABRA-CLAM IS "GIANT," "HUGE," "MASSIVE."
THAT SOUNDS LIKE ONE BIG MOTHER-SHUCKER.
BUT I'M ABOUT TO BLOW THE LID OFF THIS CLAM.
BECAUSE WE HAVE NOW LEARNED THAT WHILE MOST OCEAN CLAMS HAVE
"A SHELL LENGTH OF ABOUT 2 TO 4 INCHES LONG",
THIS SO-CALLED BEHEMOTH CLOCKED IN AT A MERE SIX INCHES!
AND DON'T TELL ME IT'S 'CAUSE THE WATER'S COLD.
IT'S FLORIDA! AND IT'S NOT EVEN THE TYPE OF
CLAM WE ALL ORIGINALLY WERE TOLD IT WAS.
TURNS OUT, ABRA-CLAM IS A SOUTHERN QUAHOG, EVEN THOUGH THE
MEDIA FALSELY REPORTED THAT IT'S AN OCEAN QUAHOG,
WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN EXCITING, BECAUSE THOSE ARE NORMALLY FOUND
BETWEEN NEWFOUNDLAND AND NORTH CAROLINA, WHICH MEANS THIS
MOLLUSK FOUND ALONG THE GULF OF MEXICO WAS FAR FROM HOME.
THERE'S YOUR FIRST HINT THAT THIS WAS ONE FISHY MOLLUSK.
THE IDEA THAT CLAMS TRAVEL. THE ONLY PLACE CLAMS ARE GOING
IS ONTO A BED OF LINGUINE. MOST SHOCKING OF ALL, IT SEEMS
THAT "AFTER THE SURGE OF MEDIA COVERAGE OF ABRACLAM, ITS AGE OF
214 YEARS OLD IS QUESTIONABLE," AND THEY NOW THINK THE CLAM
IS BETWEEN 107 AND 214 YEARS OLD, BUT ONE CLAM EXPERT
SUSPECTED THAT IT MIGHT BE EVEN YOUNGER.
I JUST WANT TO SAY THIS. THE ONLY THING MORE
HEARTBREAKING THAN THE LIES WE WERE FED IN THIS STORY IS
GROWING UP TO BE A CLAM EXPERT. "SO...
[APPLAUSE] "SO WHAT DOES YOUR SON DO?"
"UH, HE'S A MARINE BIOLOGIST." "AMAZING.
DOES HE WORK WITH DOLPHINS?" "I'M GONNA SAY YES."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE REGE-JEAN PAGE AND STAR OF "SO HELP ME TODD,"
SKYLAR ASTIN. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
A VERY IMPORTANT ST. PATRICK'S DAY MESSAGE FROM LIAM NEESON.