Ladies and gentleman, Star Wars.
We've got to talk about this.
Star Wars: Attack of The Clones, opened yesterday.
People are saying this may very well
smash box office records
by the end of this weekend.
It could be the biggest movie opening of all time.
The anticipation for this new
Star Wars movie has been intense.
You probably read about this,
it's been in all the papers.
Fans lined up weeks in advance
to wait for the opening.
These are very devoted people.
They camped out, they waited.
So earlier this week,
before the movie opened,
we thought it would be a good idea
to send a responsible correspondent
to check out the scene and see what's going on.
(cheering)
We want to know what's happening.
Tonight's just good,
we'll bring you the news.
So, so we sent Triumph,
the insult comic dog.
(cheering)
We sent Triumph,
I'm gonna start wearing bow ties
for when this happens.
We sent Triumph the insult comic dog
to the Ziegfeld theater,
right here in New York City,
and we had him check out the line
of die hard Star Wars fans here.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is report.
Yes?
It's premiere night here for attack of the clones,
but outside the Ziegfeld theater, is the real show,
return of the dorks.
(laughing)
Thousands of 35 year old men,
waiting days even months,
for just a taste of Gorge Lucas's table scraps.
Lonely men, who had never had sex,
not even with the Catholic priest.
(laughing)
I'm here with the, alright,
you're dressed as a, a huge nerd?
Yes?
Yes.
No, seriously.
You're supposed to be.
I'm supposed to be a Jedi.
You're a Jedi knight.
Yes.
And what are the principales of a Jedi knight?
To always defend truth and justice throughout the galaxy.
Yes.
And to eat a lot of peanut M&M's.
(laughing)
throughout the galaxy.
You know what's good about these costume folks, take a look,
He has the ability,
he can crap his pants and no one will notice.
(laughing)
[Triumph] Everyone is thinking and
rousing games of Star Wars Stratego.
This is risk, very exciting,
this game is normally played
indoors by 12 year olds.
(laughing)
This is the nice day in New York,
getting away from the drudgery
of your normal mundane life.
Spent playing Stratego at home.
(laughing)
Unbelievable, look among the nerds,
I found an actual girl here.
(laughing)
Not too shabby around here, huh honey?
The male female ratio, yeah?
I mean you've got your vertible pick of the litter,
you can choose from all of,
all kinds of guys who have
no idea how to please you.
(laughing)
She said pretty much yeah.
(laughing)
Whose going to stand up to this challenge?
I will.
(laughing)
You're going to stand up to this?
Yeah, right, and I'm scooping Lassie.
(laughing)
We can do commitment with all these guys,
standing in line here.
All this time, waiting for the show.
How do you explain this to your imaginary girlfriend?
(laughing)
Look at this one.
(laughing)
Oh my God, you look like some kind of super nerd.
(laughing)
You know?
Like it was built.
Looks like you were built in a laboratory
out of parts from lesser nerds.
(laughing)
He's a bionic nerd, if you will.
You're my O.B I want to back off right now.
(laughing)
I don't deal with lesser life forms.
You don't deal with lesser life forms?
You must be a lonely guy.
(laughing)
I kid! I kid!
(laughing)
Look at you, how are you cutie?
What parent forced you to do this?
(laughing)
Right over here.
I'm uh princess Trela.
That's adorable.
(laughing)
That's really very very cute.
I'll be right over here.
It's very very cute.
(Whispers) Fire me tompampa.
(laughing)
So what's going on here?
You got a little future nerd in here?
Yes, yes, future nerd, future Jedi.
When is he due?
June 27th, 6 weeks.
Wow.
That's the last time he'll ever see female genitalia.
(laughing)
Who's feeding your pet snake and/or tarantula?
I would hate to miss,
if I couldn't come out here and
find out what you Jedi are up to.
I need a hospital so.
[Triumph] - Look at this, look at this,
it's a geek from another dimension.
(laughing)
Lord of the rings? Lord of the rings?
I am Blackwolf the dragonmaster,
New York's unofficial wizard,
and don't you forget it.
Alright,
and don't you forget to finish your filet o fish..
(laughing)
Oh quiet.
Dragonmaster.
Oh quiet.
Burger King, where all dragonmasters eat.
(laughing)
You are here just to pay your respects to the Jedi?
Hello.
You are one, you are one out,
you are one uninformed hound, you know that?
It's called reality my friend.
(Laughing)
[Crowd] Brawl, brawl, brawl, brawl, brawl, brawl.
What's going on?
Apparently the nerds are looking for
a Jedi to challenge the nerd from Lord of the rings.
Which ever one of you wins is the uber board.
(laughing)
You're even lucky,
your, your superiors at late night,
even, even decided that are today.
Seriously.
Yes.
Have you ever talked to a women
without having to give your credit number?
(laughing)
You know what?
Take this,
fresh hound.
What an imagination, yes.
(laughing)
You think the whole plot of this movie
is a little far fetched.
What do you guys think?
Of course not, it's all of what spoilers here.
I got some spoilers.
Who wants to hear a spoiler?
No, no.
Here's a spoiler, you will die alone.
(laughing)
This is a Darth Vader impersonation,
from the empire strikes back. Hit it.
You have failed me for the last time admiral,
Caption Beckett.
Yes, my lord, make ready the
fret and deployed out so that nothing gets off the system.
That's perfect.
Thank you.
That's exactly like it, but.
But.
You're not breathing heavily.
No.
Imagine you've just run 10 feet,
and your out of food.
Very exiting, Darth Vader himself.
He's here.
All the other nerds are tremble in his presence.
(laughing)
What are you suppose to be?
I am Triumph, oh scary nerd.
This would be my kiss box,
that helps me to breath.
So this is to help you breath.
Yes?
Yes.
And which of the these,
which of these buttons calls your parents to pick you up?
(laughing)
What are you suppose to do?
I'm a Stromtrooper.
You are a huge nerd.
(laughing)
You are a hot dog.
Do Stormtroopers talk like 60's robots?
I am a Stormtrooper.
I will built by felix the cat.
You know something dear.
You look really good with some sour crout and some mustard.
Are you a Koren guy under there?
(laughing)
Reveal yourself.
Hi, I'm Colonel Sanders.
Okay, okay, put it back.
(laughing)
Oh my, oh my God.
That was a close one.
We are witnessing an actual
Star Wars nerd wedding.
We are here today.
Can I ask a question about couple?
Where are they spending their honey moon?
Which arcade?
You may now kiss your bride to be.
(cheering)
The groom has kissed the bride,
after years of practicing on his sister.
(laughing)
And now the nerds are congregating
for the ceremonial
banging of the plastic toys.
This is what a circle jerk looks like.
I'm your father!
(laughing)
Okay are you guys ready for some trivia?
Here's the first question.
What substance was Hans Solo frozen in?
No, no I'm sorry.
The correct answer is who gives a (bleep).
(laughing)
This is a very exciting moment here,
with this crappy movie,
where the nerds act out scenes from it.
Let's enjoy.
Alright, now there asking to be pooped on.
Looks who here guys, look who here!
(booing)
Our welcome is over,
We have enjoyed our stay,
but the answers of reality
and the demands of a normal sex life.
May the force be with you.
(cheering)