Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen,
you're all very welcome to the theatre here tonight,
for the production of One Man Play,
a play about one man,
doing a one man play
On his own
There will be no talking.
Please turn off all mobile telephone devices
and if you are asthmatic or elderly,
please keep your loud laboured breathing
to a minimum.
Ladies and Gentlemen.
One man play...
Oh hi..
I didn't see you there..
Boy..
5th Avenue New York...
What a town.
OFFSTAGE: Oh shit it's started.
OFFSTAGE: Oh no...
This takes me back.
OFFSTAGE: Sorry... so sorry... I'm late.
I remember the first time I came here...
OFFSTAGE: Sorry, excuse me...sorry
Oh hey, i recognise you from the gym,
how's it goin buddy?
Where am I sitting...
Oh hey... there's that girl from tinder.
I'm sorry, I think you're sitting in my seat.
I'm terribly sorry,
can I jump in..
On your lap?
I've never been to the theatre before, is that a regular?
Is that a normal thing?
Is this One Man Play??
Okay great...
sorry...
ONSTAGE: Oh she was a real gall,
A real dame, you know the type I'm talkin about...
Oh but tell me, why were you late?
Oh sorry, the traffic was a nightmare, I do apologise
Hey, hey!! shhhhh
Oh your flight was delayed?
gosh, that's American Airlines for ya
It was the traffic...?
Say, where's that accent from, the Bronx?
The Bronx? You moron, it's Dublin.
The Bronx? Where does he get off?
Hey, hey, he's not talking to you..
Yeah, no he was looking right at me?
No, it's part of the play, he's talking
to the audience in general
What?
Say...John isn't it?
It is John, yeah!
He's like a Keith Barry or something
This lad's great!
Hey! Stop answering back!
What?
He's not talking to you
No, my name's John!
I don't care what you think's going on in your mind,
but he is not talking to you.
Alright...
You want an apple John?
It fairly looks like he's talking to me this time..
that's down the barrel that one is.
You're paranoid!
Ah, that's taking the piss
Don't you want an apple John?
Yeah okay thank you cheers
Oh, you don't want it?
Why didn't you just say
Ah for f*cks sake
Em....
You idiot!
I'll put it back. Sorry.
Get off the stage!
I'm putting it back!
Ah he's after taking a bite...
No, just put it...
What are you bowing for?
Where you going John?
Don't turn your back on me son!
What?
You're gonna tell me the reason you were late
It was..the...traffic
SHHHH!!
Don't bullshit me John!!
I can smell bullshit...
How does he know?
He doesn't f*cking know!
Sit down!
John!
You're gonna tell me the reason you were late,
Or I'm gonna shove this apple down your throat!
Yeah, I ran over a small dog by accident
on the way here!
that's all it was!
Ahhhh you're getting married,
that's the reason you were late!
Ahh I'm sorry, I get it know..
it won't happen again...
Ah come on!!
Can you get rid of this f*cking moron please!
What?
Get rid of the guy standing there!
Why you looking there? Come on.
He's holding his ticket in his hand.
Jesus what's wrong with you remove him please.
Are you talking to me?
He's ruining the thing.
What are you an idiot?
Do your job.
Won't get me.
Am I talking to myself here?
Why are you staring at me?
Can you remove
the man
standing there
With the blue f%*#ing laces!
Oh God, that's too specific.
Out you go come on.
What are you doing?
You were warned now.
I'm in the play.
What?
I'm an actor in the play.
What the f&%k are you doing he's in the f%&king play.
You moron.
The ticket in the hand?
Of course I'm in the play.
What kind of idiot are ya?
Get off the stage you're ruining it.
You're ruining it!
Wandering in like a moron.
Jesus perfect, you've ruined it.
A ruined what?
It was a shite play to begin with.
How
dare you.
You think you can do better?
Go ahead.
What are you doing?
What?
You weren't supposed to give me the apple until act 2.
You are after skipping pages of dialogue.
I told you he didn't do it in rehersals.
You have to turn up to rehearsals this is why.
This thing happens.
What bit is it now?
I can't believe I have to tell you this.
It's Darren's bit now.
Hello?
Darren's in the play?
Of course he's in the play.
He comes on stage and hits the cymbol.
Oh ye ye ye.
What are you doing?
Who the hell are you?
Where's Darren?
And scene.
Doomdah