WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY, SO THIS IS ALL STILL
HAPPENING.
DONALD TRUMP IS REALLY GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) >> Stephen: YEAH, YOU HAVE
BEEN READING MY JOURNAL.
FOR A WHILE, I WAS POKING MYSELF WITH A STRAIGHT PIN TO TRY AND
WAKE UP FROM THIS, BUT NOW I KEEP DOING IT TO FEEL SOMETHING.
IT'S SO REAL THAT TRUMP IS NOW RECEIVING THE CLASSIFIED DAILY
INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING KNOWN AS "THE BOOK," MAKING IT THE ONLY
BOOK HE OWNS THAT DOESN'T HAVE HIS PICTURE ON IT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND TODAY, THE TRANSFER OF POWER
BEGAN WHEN PRESIDENT OBAMA HOSTED TRUMP AT THE WHITE HOUSE
FOR THE MOST SURPRISING REMAKE OF "GUESS WHO'S COMING TO
DINNER."
( LAUGHTER ) DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE.
I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.
>> Jon: I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING, EITHER.
( LAUGHTER ) CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW AWKWARD THAT
MEETING WAS?
PUT YOURSELF IN THAT PRIVATE ROOM WHEN THEY WERE TOGETHER.
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
AWKWARD!
( LAUGHTER ) THE FIRST AFRICAN AMERICAN
PRESIDENT SITTING DOWN WITH A PRESIDENT-ELECT WHO WAS
ENDORSED BY THE KLAN?
A GUY WHO SPENT FIVE YEARS , CREATED HIS POLITICAL CAREER,
DEMANDING OBAMA PROVE WHERE HE WAS BORN, THEN DENYING HE DID
IT.
WHAT DID THEY TALK ABOUT?
WHAT WAS THE TOUR LIKE?
( AS OBAMA ) "ALL RIGHT, DONALD, THIS IS THE
BLUE ROOM, THIS IS THE RED ROOM, AND DOWN THE HALL IS THE OFFICE
I SAID YOU WERE FUNDAMENTALLY UNFIT FOR.
LIBRARY'S DOWNSTAIRS."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, GETTING TRUMP UP TO SPEED
FOR THE NEW JOB MIGHT BE A CHALLENGE BECAUSE HE
WILL BE THE FIRST U.S. PRESIDENT TO HAVE NEVER HELD ELECTED
OFFICE OR SERVED IN THE MILITARY.
IN FACT, DONALD TRUMP IS SO PRIVILEGED
THAT THE FIRST JOB HE EVER HAD TO APPLY FOR WAS PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) HAVE YOU WATCHED OBAMA?
HAVE YOU HEARD HIM YESTERDAY AND SEEN HIM TODAY?
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE IT UP FOR THE GUY.
HE'S AMAZING.
HE'S BEING SO GOOD!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S THE MOST AMAZING THING HE'S
EVER DONE.
HE'S BEING SO GOOD ABOUT THIS TRANSITION THAT HIS TEAM
EVEN MADE A SPECIAL MULTIMEDIA PRESENTATION JUST FOR TRUMP ON
THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH AND THE
LEGISLATIVE.
♪ I'M JUST A BILL.
♪ YES, I'M ONLY A BILL.
♪ AND I'M SITTING HERE ON CAPITOL HILL.
>> Stephen: ♪ ♪ OH, IT'S A LONG, LONG WAY --
THEY LET HIM TAKE IT HOME.
HE'S GOING TO NEED SOME REPEAT VIEWINGS.
THEY ALSO TAUGHT HIM WHAT A CONJUNCTION WAS.
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ INTERJECTION!♪
I'VE GOT TO BREATHE EVERY SO OFTEN OR I'LL PASS OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, TRUMP WASN'T ALONE.
MELANIA WAS THERE FOR A PRIVATE MEETING WITH MICHELLE OBAMA, TO
ENSURE THE PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF SPEECHES.
( APPLAUSE ) AMERICA IS THE ENVY OF THE WORLD
IN THAT REGARD.
SO THOSE ARE LIKE THE HEADLINERS.
THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE YOU FOE ABOUT, THE CANDIDATES, THE
INCOMING PRESIDENT.
BUT TO BE HONEST, MY HEART GOES OUT TO EVERYONE AT THE WHITE
HOUSE.
I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW HARD THAT IS-- AND I DON'T HAVE TO BECAUSE
THERE'S THIS PICTURE OF THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF AS OBAMA
CONGRATULATED TRUMP YESTERDAY.
A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, NONE OF WHICH I'M ALLOWED
TO SAY ON CBS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AFTER THE MEETING, TRUMP AND
OBAMA SPOKE FROM THE OVAL OFFICE WHERE TRUMP WAS SEATED WITH A
BUST OF M.L.K. LOOMING OVER HIS SHOULDER.
OKAY, OBAMA PUT THAT THERE.
WHEN HE GOT IN THERE, THE BUSH PEOPLE -- WHO DID THEY HAVE?
THEY HAD A BUST OF CHURCHILL.
WHEN OBAMA CAME IN, HE REPLACED IT WITH A BUST OF MARTIN LUTHER
KING.
WHEN TRUMP COMES IN, HE'LL REPLACE IT WITH A PICTURE OF THE
BURGER KING.
( LAUGHTER ) PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP THOUGHT
THE MEETING WENT VERY WELL.
>> WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, PRESIDENT OBAMA.
THIS WAS A MEETING THAT WAS GOING TO LAST FOR MAYBE TEN OR
15 MINUTES, AND WE WERE JUST GOING TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
THE MEETING LASTED FOR ALMOST AN HOUR AND A HALF.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE JUST TEN MINUTES, BUT TRUMP DEMANDED THE
"LONG FORM."
( LAUGHTER ) OH, OKAY.
AFTER THE MEETING, PRESS SECRETARY JOSH EARNEST WENT INTO
MORE DETAIL.
>> I THINK THE PRESIDENT CAME AWAY WITH... RENEWED CONFIDENCE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: I'VE GOT TO SAY, HIS
ANSWER DOES NOT GIVE ME...
RENEWED CONFIDENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT WE DID GET SOME REASSURANCE FROM R.N.C. CHAIR AND TRUMP
POCKET ELF, REINCE PRIEBUS.
PRIEBUS TOLD REPORTERS, "DONALD TRUMP IS TAKING THIS
VERY SERIOUSLY."
WELL, THE FACT THAT REINCE PRIEBUS FOUND IT NECESSARY TO
SAY THAT OUT LOUD GIVES ME...
RENEWED CONFIDENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
JUST LIKE I'D HAVE IF I WAS ON A PLANE AND, RIGHT BEFORE TAKEOFF,
THE PILOT HOPPED ON THE INTERCOM AND SAID, "AH, THIS IS YOUR
CAPTAIN SPEAKING.
I PROMISE YOU GUYS I'M GOING TO TAKE FLYING THIS PLANE VERY
SERIOUSLY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND THERE'S PROOF TRUMP'S TAKING IT SERIOUSLY BECAUSE HE HAS
ALREADY HAS A NEW TRANSITION WEB SITE WITH THE NAME:
WWW.GREATAGAIN.GOV.
HE'S GOT A DOT.GOV.
THAT'S ONE OF THE MOST DISTURBING THING I'VE EVER SEEN
ON THE INTERNET, AND I'VE BEEN ON THE INTERNET.
( LAUGHTER ) AND "GREATAGAIN.GOV" SHOWS JUST
HOW SERIOUSLY TRUMP IS TAKING HIS NEW GIG, STARTING WITH A
PAGE THAT SAYS "HELP WANTED," WHICH IS HOW A LOT OF PEOPLE
FEEL RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO WORK,
THEY ARE READY TO HIRE.
THE SITE SAYS THEY NEED "4,000 PRESIDENTIAL APPOINTEES,
INCLUDING POSITIONS WITH AND WITHOUT SENATE CONFIRMATIONS."
THEY ALSO PUT OUT THIS FLYER: "GOVERNMENT WANTED: NO
EXPERIENCE NEEDED.
NO FATTIES."
( LAUGHTER ) AND, JUST TEAR THAT OFF --
AND THE SITE ALSO SHOWS HOW SERIOUS TRUMP IS ABOUT
FULFILLING THE CENTRAL CAMPAIGN PROMISE OF HIS HAT BECAUSE
THERE'S A FORM YOU CAN FILL OUT TO ANSWER THE QUESTION, "HOW DO
YOU WANT TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT?" OH, OH, OH, AH -- MAYBE ELECT
SOMEONE WHO ALREADY KNOWS HOW TO DO THAT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IS THAT --
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: NOW -- NOW, WHEN IT COMES TO FILLING
CABINET POSITIONS, TRUMP HAS CAST A WIDE NET, STARTING WITH
DONALD TRUMP, JR. HEY, DON, SR.?
IF YOU'RE TRYING TO TONE DOWN THE WHOLE "DICTATOR" THING,
MAYBE DON'T GIVE A CABINET POSITION TO YOUR SON, KIM JONG
TRUMP.
IT'S A LITTLE ON THE NOSE.
AND THERE'S MORE.
THE LEADING CANDIDATE FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL IS RUDY
GIULIANI.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) EXCUSE ME.
I HAVE SOMETHING I NEED TO DO HERE.
EXCUSE ME ONE SECOND.
ATTENTION, BLACK PEOPLE.
STARTING JANUARY 20, PLEASE BUILD AN EXTRA 30 MINUTES INTO
YOUR DAILY SCHEDULE FOR THE NATIONWIDE STOP-AND-FRISK.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TRANSLATE
VOMITING OVER A MICROPHONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
GUYS, IT'S PROBABLY NOT GOING TO HAPPEN BECAUSE THIS IS JUST A
PROP.
IT'S NOT CONNECTED TO ANYTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) AND FOR SECRETARY OF STATE,
TRUMP IS CONSIDERING FORMER SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE AND ANGRY
SACK OF RICOTTA CHEESE, NEWT GINGRICH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THAT'S NOT BAD.
I COULD SUPPORT SENDING GINGRICH OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
AND FOR SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE, TRUMP IS
CONSIDERING TEXAS' SID MILLER, WHO CAUSED A FIRESTORM JUST DAYS
AGO AFTER HIS CAMPAIGN'S OFFICIAL TWITTER ACCOUNT
REFERRED TO HILLARY CLINTON AS A "C WORD."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE HAS NO
PLACE IN OUR POLITICAL DISCOURSE... IS SOMETHING I
WOULD HAVE SAID 48 HOURS AGO.
( APPLAUSE ) FOR EDUCATION SECRETARY,
INSIDERS ARE SPECULATING THAT AMONG THOSE WHO MAY BE ON THE
SHORT LIST IS CREATIONIST SURGEON DR. BEN CARSON.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) SO GET READY FOR THE NEW HISTORY
TEXTBOOKS, "( BLEEP ) I MADE UP ABOUT EGYPT."
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT HEY, DON'T WORRY, LADIES.
YOU'LL BE REPRESENTED IN TRUMP'S CABINET BECAUSE HIS TOP PICK FOR
INTERIOR SECRETARY IS SARAH PALIN.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( AS PALIN )
"YEP, HOW'S THAT HOPEY CHANGEY STUFF GOIN'?
DRILL, BABY, DRILL.
FORGET ABOUT YOSEMITE PARK, YOSEMITE SAM NOW UNCLE SAM.
SAM I AM.
DON'T GO BUGGING, TREE HUGGING BLOGGERS BECAUSE I'M CALLING THE
LOGGERS.
WE'RE FRACKIN' OLD FAITHFUL, YOU'RE GOING BE GRATEFUL,
EXECUTIONS IN THE SPORTS STADIUMS.
ARREST YOUR ENEMIES.
TIE A TYPEWRITER AROUND HIS NECK, WHAT THE HECK, SHOOT HIM,
HE'S GETTING AWAY.
TAG, TRIG, TRIP, TRAP, KNICK KNACK, PADDYWHACK, TICK TOCK OUT
OF WEDLOCK, GIVE YOUR DOG A BONE, E.T., PHONE HOME, SNOW
MACHINE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOD, SHE'S EXHAUSTING!
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M BEING TOLD THE GRAND
CANYON HAS COMMITTED SUICIDE.
IT JUMPED INTO ITSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S RIGHT.
TRUMP'S PLAN TO DRAIN THE SWAMP OF CORRUPTION MEANS BRINGING
BACK GIULIANI, GINGRICH, CHRISTIE, AND PALIN.
MAKES SENSE.
THEY'RE EXACTLY WHAT I'D EXPECT TO FIND AT THE BOTTOM OF A
DRAINED SWAMP.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE SMALL
MINORITY OF THE MAJORITY OF VOTERS WHO DIDN'T VOTE FOR
TRUMP, JUST REMEMBER -- ALL THROUGH THE CAMPAIGN, HE ASSURED
US THAT HE WAS GOING TO SURROUND HIMSELF WITH THE BEST AND THE
BRIGHTEST.
>> I'M GOING TO GET THE BEST PEOPLE FOR THE JOB.
I WOULD USE THE GREATEST MINDS.
WE ARE GOING TO HAVE THE SMARTEST, THE BEST NEGOTIATORS
IN THE WORLD, AND I KNOW MOST OF THEM AND, BELIEVE ME, I KNOW
PEOPLE YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF WHO ARE BETTER THAN THE ONES
THAT YOU DID HEAR OF.
>> STEPHEN: OH, GOOD, BECAUSE THE ONES I DID HEAR OF ARE A
PILE OF GARBAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND WE'RE NOT DONE!
THEN THERE'S TRUMP'S WHITE HOUSE STAFF.
I KNOW I AM SUPER EXCITED TO FIND OUT WHAT ROLE THERE IS FOR
OMAROSA.
SHE WAS THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN'S DIRECTOR OF AFRICAN AMERICAN
OUTREACH.
OH, NEWSFLASH -- THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN WAS DOING AFRICAN
AMERICAN OUTREACH.
HIRING OMAROSA WAS IT.
WELL, ON ELECTION NIGHT, WE GOT A GLIMPSE OF THE FUTURE WHEN,
AFTER HEARING THAT FORMER REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE LINDSAY
GRAHAM DIDN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP, OMAROSA TOLD A REPORTER, "IT'S
SO GREAT OUR ENEMIES ARE MAKING THEMSELVES CLEAR SO THAT, WHEN
WE GET IN TO THE WHITE HOUSE, WE KNOW WHERE WE STAND.
I WOULD NEVER JUDGE ANYBODY FOR EXERCISING THEIR RIGHT TO AND
THE FREEDOM TO CHOOSE WHO THEY WANT.
BUT LET ME JUST TELL YOU, MR. TRUMP HAS A LONG MEMORY, AND
WE'RE KEEPING A LIST."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ENEMIES LIST.
WOW.
THEY WENT FROM ZERO TO NIXON IN NO TIME FLAT.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, THAT'S WORTH NOTING BECAUSE
SOME PEOPLE IN LATE NIGHT HAVE SAID ONE OR TWO THINGS THAT WERE
CRITICAL OF DONALD TRUMP.
BUT THAT WAS JUST IN THE HEAT OF ELECTION NIGHT, RIGHT?
SURELY IF OMAROSA DID MORE OF A SIT-DOWN INTERVIEW, SHE WOULDN'T
PAINT THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION AS SOME VINDICTIVE PREDATOR
SAVORING THEIR CHANCE TO USE THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT FOR
PAYBACK.
>> EVERY CRITIC, EVERY DETRACTOR WILL HAVE TO BOW DOWN TO
PRESIDENT TRUMP.
IT'S EVERYONE WHO'S EVER DOUBTED DONALD, WHO EVER DISAGREED, WHO
EVER CHALLENGED HIM.
IT IS THE ULTIMATE REVENGE TO BECOME THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN
THE UNIVERSE.
>> STEPHEN: IT WAS SAM BEE AND SETH MYERS!
THEY'RE THE ONES WHO SAID ALL THOSE HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT YOU.
I WAS JUST JOKING.
ALL HAIL OUR GLORIOUS LEADER!
GIANT HANDS!
YOU'VE GOT GIANT HANDS!
YOU'RE GOING TO BE GREAT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IS WHAT A PUSSY WOULD SAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN )
SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN!
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.