- [Michelle] What do you think Lou wants to
talk to us about?
I cannot be in trouble.
I can't be in trouble!
- What would you be in trouble for?
- I don't know. The other day I ate a donut.
- Why would you be in trouble for eating a donut?
Was it Lou's donut?
- No, maybe, I don't know.
The point is, I shouldn't have eaten the donut.
- Say you're in here for eating a donut.
Why would I be in here too?
- Well, he's going to fire me for eating a donut
and you're getting fired too.
- But why would I be getting fired too?
I didn't eat a donut.
I ate a bagel.
You know what?
Donuts and bagels are bread cousins.
- No, you're getting fired because
you're not good at selling cars.
- I'm great at selling cars.
I'm good at four things,
smoking weed, playing bass,
rationing enough barbecue sauce for each chicken nugget,
and selling cars.
- Well I'm good at five things,
counting calories, sumo squats,
stopping the fast forward on the DVR
right as the show's starting again,
naming cats, and selling cars.
- How is naming cats a strength?
- Easy.
Secrets, Temple of Doom,
Bond James Bond, Basket,
Secretary Madeleine Albright.
- Those are grea... - [Michelle] Oh wait, Colin Meow.
- Okay, that's good.
- He's a black cat.
- Yeah.
- With white paws. - [Dan] Okay.
- [Dan] those are great cat names
but that doesn't mean you're better at selling cars
than I am.
- I sell cars like you take bong hits.
- You sell nine cars behind the trailer every day?
- Okay, you take too many bong hits.
- There's only one way to settle this.
- Oh, whoever sells car first is king.
- Wouldn't you want to be queen?
- No, because a queen still implies that there's
like a man in power of you
and I don't want (mumbles).
I'm king.
- You know you're going to die alone?
- Yeah, probably.
Whoever sells a car first is king.
- Deal. - [Michelle] Deal.
- That'll have to do.
No.
- Okay.
(heavy instrumental beats)
- That's a good deal, right?
You know, you get what I'm saying!
This is a good car, you got a good deal.
You hear what I'm saying.
Okay, okay. Alright, you know.
Well we, okay.
Sorry for touching you.
- Power makes up for a lot.
- How many kids you got?
- Three.
We actually just lost their father overseas.
- Oh, perfect.
- Excuse me?
- Bald eagle's maybe your spirit animal.
It's illegal to kill that bird.
- Did you serve?
- No, I was a busboy.
Oh, war.
- You're gonna walk away from me?
You trying to get me to have a crush on you?
Because it worked.
- You are a piece of shit.
- Yeah.
- Great, so with your credit,
the car will basically be taken care of
with these three payments we set up.
- How in the hell did you sell a car?
It's only been half the day.
- Great.
So why don't you take this in the office,
and Lou will get you set up with the title
and the correct paperwork,
and you'll be good to go.
Thank you.
Ha. I am king!
In your face, peasant.
In your face!
- Wow, you're a mean king.
Something didn't add up.
That woman walked right onto the lot directly up to you,
and you immediately sell her a car?
- I'm very good at my job.
- What's up?
- Fine, it's Judith.
She's from my fitness fan fiction group.
She said she wanted to buy a car.
I said if she came in today,
I'd work in my employee discount.
- What the hell is fitness fan fiction?
- Oh, it's great.
It's classic love stories, but then we add in
descriptions of workouts that the main characters are doing.
Like for example, take the story of The Notebook,
amazing on its own, but then we add in the characters
doing high-rep, low-weight workouts.
It's great.
I mean, The Porch Railing
essentially becomes- - [Dan] Got it. Got it.
- [Dan] What a terrible thing to do to storytelling,
and I shouldn't count that as a legitimate sale,
but I'm going to, because I feel terrible about your life.
- Aw, thank you.
And I'm really sorry I said you were bad at selling cars.
- Thanks.
- And that I told the mechanics
you have trouble getting an erection.
- What?
- Let's go tell Lou the good news!
- Getting or maintaining?
- Both!
(grunts)
- You guys know why I have you in here, right?
- Listen, Lou.
I know we haven't been the most productive,
but Michelle and I are really trying to motivate
ourselves to sell more cars.
I promise.
(man chuckles)
- That's great, Dan, but that's not why you're in here.
See, a true test of character
is how much someone can trust you,
and that's not an easy thing to build.
Take Carl here.
When he wandered in here,
he had the posture of a wet rat,
and kind of smelled like one,
and I gotta be honest with you, for the first couple months
I thought about killing him,
but, over time, he earned my trust.
He's loyal.
He's like a police dog.
You know those dogs that they train to bite minorities?
That's my boy, Carl.
- I've always said that Carl does have
the brain capacity of an animal.
- That ain't the point, stoner!
Which one of you assholes ate a donut?
I buy a two day supply right down to the donut
for calorie counting.
Now who took my donuts?
- That's not technically how you count calories.
It's done a little bit differently.
(mocking in a whiny pitch)
- The point is, Michelle, that was my property,
and it was stolen from me,
and if it happens again,
suspension from the lot and paperwork duty.
Do we understand each other?
- [Both] Yes.
- Good.
Get your skinny white fucking lazy millenial,
fucking gluten-free asses out of my office!
Okay? Good, get out.
- Notice how he didn't say bagel?
He said donut, so that was all you.
Hope it was worth it.
- Actually I felt really guilty about it.
I feel guilty about this one too.
(beat instrumental)