- Let your date shave your entire body from the neck down,
is that what you wanna get into?
- Oh I do so bad.
- Oh really?
- Please?
Imma just do titties. - Just one titty?
- Yeah.
(opera music)
- I'm Jared. - I'm Hannah.
- Nice to meet you.
(mumbling from behind camera)
Where's it at?
- That was my titty hold on.
- Okay which one we doin'.
- Just like that. - There we go.
Little patty cake.
- Is it okay if I touch you?
- Yeah go ahead. - Okay.
Oh your tall. - I guess so.
- You feel black.
- Oh nice.
- Okay what about me?
- No.
She might be beige.
(laughs)
She don't like that.
- Okay.
Oh hey.
Okay hi. - What's up how you doin'?
- I'm good how are you? - Do you think I'm attractive?
- Yeah.
- She had to check my shoes.
- Yeah I do.
- Go right ahead.
- Fuck.
- Oooh!
- Oh fuck okay.
Talk dirty to your date using a megaphone,
must be really dirty.
Hell yeah I'm doing this.
Let's go.
Do you have any suggestions?
- Tie me up is nice.
- Tie me up.
(talks over each other)
Spank me.
- But you gotta say it in a nice little, you know?
What do you wanna hear from me?
- This pussies so tight!
- This pussy is so tight. - Ew ew ew!
(laughs)
- You said you want to hear it.
- I didn't mean it!
God dammit!
Y'all gotta be fuckin' with me.
I can't.
Swap outfits.
- Oh, the full thing?
- Yeah, apparently.
- Alright.
- Good good good.
- You want the blue steel?
- Fuck!
Do you have any pointers?
- It's all about the wrist.
See?
- Spoon your opponent and reveal how many
sexual partners you've had.
- Should we hold hands while we're doin' this too?
- No, I'm not like an intimate person.
- What's wrong with intimacy?
- Are you a fucking Pisces?
- I am a Pisces.
(laughs)
- It's alright gimme your hand,
it's alright.
- There we go, yeah!
How many people have you slept with?
- 4 other people.
(laughs)
- I think I'm at 22.
- Get the fuck out.
- There you go!
(cheers)
- Fuck yes!
- Call your Mother and have them endorse
you as an eligible suitor.
Alright, do you want me to Facetime her?
Hello, are you there?
Hi Mom, I'm on a date right now.
- Hi.
I'm already just so taken with him,
I even held his hand earlier.
- She was big spoon, I was little spoon.
- I did, I held him.
Yeah it's a good date.
(laughs)
- Real quick just like gimme the
15 second elevator pitch as to why
I'm a great boyfriend or suitor or why she should date me.
Come on Momma!
- I don't know about that Momma.
(laughs)
- No keep going, keep going,
no worries.
- If you were my Mom,
why would you not want me to date your son?
- Oh get out, get out.
Why she gassin' you like this,
you love him.
- Momma knows best.
- You made him, so that makes sense.
She seems very nice but she was definitely lying on ya ass.
You probably have a whole handful.
You probably be doing some raggedy shit too.
- Like what?!
- You probably been cheatin', lying, stealing.
- Oh wow that's crazy.
All these allegations.
- Okay how many girlfriends have you had?
- Five.
- Any of them longterm?
- Yes.
My one in college.
- How long was it?
- Three and a half years.
- Ooh!
- Give your date a sexy lap dance to no music.
- Yeah let's go.
- I'm just gonna grind into you like
'cause that's what they do to me when
I'm at the strip clubs - You're so heavy.
- They go like this, then they be all right here.
- Oh you frequent the strip club?
- Then I go like this. (laughs)
- No!
- Hey!
- Make out with an imaginary partner.
- Oh wow.
- Commit. - Commit.
- Go for it like this is a million dollars
all you gotta do is make out with that plexiglass.
- Okay.
- There you go.
Now just give the plexiglass a hickey real quick.
(laughs)
So that's what it looks like. - Do it, I wanna see.
- What am I doing?
- Do the hickey thing. - I don't know if I can.
- Oh that's what it looks like?
- Yeah.
- Oh my god, ohhh no no no.
- That's what it was.
There we go.
Wear a bikini for the next few rounds.
(screams)
(mumbles)
No I'm not even gonna do it
'cause I wanna keep wearing this shirt.
That's why I won't do it. - No!
(laughs)
So what do I gotta do to get you to wear a bikini right now?
- Nah I'm just gonna keep the outfit.
- Fuck me, okay fine.
(laughs)
On a level of attractiveness,
what would you rate me?
- Maybe an eight.
- Get the fuck out,
that's so nice!
Yes!
- What would you rank me?
- Seven and a half.
- Ooh, anything higher is gonna go to my head.
(laughs)
- You guys I want him to do more dares so bad,
can you just pretend like I made one?
- No.
- I'm throwing these,
like I'm just doin' this.
- Reveal your penis to your date
and have her critique it.
- No.
- Really?
- I don't like critiques on my dick.
- Okay. - On the first date.
- No!!!
- And there was a ball (horn honks over him)
(screams)
Come on, bring it in.
- I don't feel good about this.
Here we gotta be in the middle.
- No (laughs)
I don't wanna hug,
I'm so mad. You know what would make me feel really good?
Was if you did the dare.
- Let our date shave your entire body from the neck down,
is that what you wanna get into?
- Oh I wanna do it so bad. - Oh really?
- Please?
- You know after I've already lost,
I'm realizing this is a very weird request.
- You're the one who wanted me to do the dare.
- Do you think I should go on a second date with you?
- I think so.
- Do you want to go on a second date with me?
- Of course!
You didn't?
What do we do with this?
- I would definitely recommend this
because Cards Against Humanity sucks!
It's hella boring.
Get this in your fuckin' parties you guys.
(laughs)
And they have (speaks over each other)
- That's fuckin' sick dog. - Break up with your partner,
new year, new you.
- Don't have one.
(laughs)
(claps and cheers)
(shouts)
I'm sorry.
- She's a poor sport.
Poor sport.
- Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
- Nope.