Hey there, it's clay with modernlove.life and this is relationship inner game.
Now in this video I'm going to share with you something called the no contact rule,
what it is, how it works, why you might want to do it, how it can help you get back together
with your ex and some of the other finer points involved with it.
Now, if you had been trying to get back together with your ex and you've done even the smallest
amount of research, you've probably heard of something called the no contact rule, usually
take some form of like, you know, hey, cut off all contact with your ex, no texting,
no calling, all of that stuff for it varies, but usually some form of like a month.
And then after that period is over, you can contact your ex, um, and they'll suddenly
want to get back together with you or something like that.
Let me just start by saying that the no contact rule isn't as clear cut as that.
There's not just like one no contact rule.
There's actually many different types of no contact.
Just like how there are many different types of diets in the world, right?
There's not just like one diet that you go on to like get in shape, there's the, you
know, you could do like the low calorie diet, the low carb diet, the Paleo Diet, the vegetarian
thing or like fruitarian things and all that stuff.
Um, and none of them are necessarily the same, although some of them might overlap in certain
ways and it's exactly the same way when it comes to no contact.
There are all types of different no contact rules.
There are no contact rules that you do or you cut contact and try to force your ex to
miss you or to be jealous of you so that they reach out to you.
And that's kind of like a mind game kind of thing.
So I don't really recommend that one.
There's other types of no contact where you focus on healing.
There's no contact where you just focused on cutting contact and somehow this is magically
supposed to change something.
And then there's the type of no contact that I like to teach, which I call active.
No contact the other types of no contact or generally what I would call passive, no contact
because you're not really doing anything, you're just kind of going through the motions
of no contact in somehow not doing anything and somehow expecting it to, to bring you
and your ex back together.
Now the, the problem with that is that there's probably a good chance that the reason your
ex and you broke up is because you weren't paying enough attention to them or to the
relationship or the connection between the two of you.
And if that's the case, I think ignoring them is probably not going to help you a whole
lot.
OK.
If ignoring them got you into trouble in the first place, ignoring them probably isn't
going to get you out of trouble.
Right?
Uh, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Not a great strategy for success.
What I teach is called the active no contact rule.
And this kind of takes things in a different direction here we're doing a lot of the other
things that we're doing in other of no contact, uh, like obviously cutting contact.
Obviously focusing on healing, but in addition, we are also intentionally focusing on cultivating
what we call advanced relational skills.
Now, advanced relational skills are ways that you can bring yourself to other people, ways
that you can bring yourself to interactions, ways that you can bring yourself to your ex
so that you can actually create more positive emotional connections between the two of you.
Um, one of the main things that is keeping you and your ex parte is a lack of positive
interactions and positive emotions between the two of you.
If you can just have good, positive emotions between each other, then you will do what
to people who are attracted to each other, naturally do.
And let's come together and form a relationship.
What you want to do during this period of no contact is to work on these advanced relational
skills.
I don't have the time or space to really get into all of these advanced relational skills
in this video, um, but just know that this is something that you should be doing very
rigorously and very, uh, committed way during this no contact period.
Focusing on building your social and emotional connection muscles so that when you are getting
out of no contact, you are able to have a stronger emotional connection with your ex.
You're able to get in touch with them.
You're able to have a very strong and amazing emotional connection with them.
OK?
Because probably you would go into no contact if you weren't having a great emotional connection
with them.
Either you are fighting either every time you reached out to them, they would just yell
at you or every time you reached out to them, they would just completely ignore you, not
answer your phone calls, not respond to your text messages, um, or otherwise.
Every time that the two of you were interacting, things would just get worse.
And so what we're doing is we're cutting contact and focusing on doing something to change
that dynamic.
Just cutting contact isn't really going to do that on its own.
What you want to do is you want to cut the dynamic and work on changing the way that
you bring yourself to the dynamic such that it is much more likely that you'll be able
to create a positive interaction.
And that's what we are doing by intentionally learning the advanced relational skills.
So in terms of how long you should be doing, no contact, that really depends, um, because
I wouldn't recommend doing it based off of a set length of time.
I would really recommend doing it based off of a change in the way that you're able to
bring yourself to interactions.
OK?
If you're able to change the way that you're interacting with other people than, um, I
think that that is making progress.
If you're just gonna change it, stayed the same and interact with the people around you
in the same way, then chances are you're probably going to interact with your x the same way.
When you get back in contact, you're going to be anxious.
You're going to be nervous.
You're going to be emotional.
You're going to say things that you regret.
You're going to not say things that you should say, you're going to walk on egg shells, you're
going to do all of these things and second guess yourself every step of the way and it's
going to drive me crazy just like it was before you decided to do no contact, and so you want
to do no contact until such a point in time occurs that you are able to change the way
that you are able to bring yourself to these interactions so that you are able to have
better, more positive, more uplifting, more meaningful, more emotionally connected interactions,
and that is the most important thing about no contact.
Now, another common question that people ask about no contact is, will my ex forget about
me during no contact?
And the answer to that is know your ex will not forget about you during the no contact.
Uh, you know, if you had a real substantial relationship with your ex of, you know, at
least a couple of months or something like that, then they won't forget about you.
Even if the two of you went on like one or two dates, then your ex will still remember
you.
People don't forget about people that easily, I promise you.
OK?
Um, another common question that people ask about no contact is, what should I do if I'm
in no contact?
And then my ex contexts, what am I texting?
One of my ex calls me, what am I x?
What do I bump into my ex and public?
And the answer to that is a, I wouldn't jump ahead and just say yes, it works.
My ex cracked under the pressure.
Now I can just contact them as much as I want to.
That's probably not a good idea because if you haven't actually made the change so that
you can bring yourself to interactions and have more positive interactions, then uh,
getting back in contact with your extra because they contact you could continue to agitate
the problem and could really show your ex that nothing has changed and say, OK, well
now that I've reached out to you after I missed you for a little while, I've see you're still
the same person.
I broke up with nothing new here.
I'm not missing out acoustic.
Right?
That's not a good thing to go through.
So, uh, what I would do is our most likely continue no contact again until such a point
comes that you are able to have better, stronger and more powerful emotional interactions with
the people around you knowing that that will carry over into your interactions with your
ex.
So again, focus on the advanced relational skills.
OK, so I hope this video has helped you understand a little bit more about what the no contact
rule is, the different types of no contact rules.
Hopefully I've convinced you that active no contact is a preferable form of no contact
that will give you better results and I've showed you kind of what you should be focusing
on during this period of time and how to navigate some of the, you know, little ins and outs
like what to do if you know somebody calls your attorney, no conduct should you answer
that phone and, and, uh, engage with them or not.
OK.
So anyway, if you want to learn more about how to apply the no contact rule or get back
together with your ex just to head on below this video and click on the link in the description.
If you are on Youtube, that will take you to a website called relationship, inner game.com.
Or you can tell me a little bit about your relationship.
You know, did you break up with your boyfriend and your ex boyfriend, your husband, your
wife?
How long has it been to have you talk to each other or you just like totally not talking
to each other at all?
Like what's going on?
Just a simple little painless survey like that.
And I can start to send you information, tips and strategies that will help you based off
of what you've told me.
Um, if you're watching this video over on our website, modern web.life, clicking the
link below this video will take you to a page that will tell you more about, um, some of
our more advanced strategies of our more sophisticated approaches that will help you take active
no context.
Take the advanced relational skills.
Take everything else into action so that you can get back together with your ex anyway.
Um, yeah, if you're on youtube, go ahead and leave some comments down below just, you know,
tell me what kind of video you'd like me to see you make next.
Um, and yeah, other than that, please like and subscribe to this video on this channel.
And you'll get updates whenever we upload new videos.
And you know, once again, this has been clay with modernlove.life and this has been relationship
inner game.
Please take care.