Hut hut, hike!
Ahh, the magic of sports.
From the roar of the crowd to the smell of the locker room,
there’s nothing that gets my blood pumping quite like a good old fashioned game of sports.
Go long!
*crash*
As Polygon’s resident jock, I can appreciate feats of physical prowess in just about any game,
from mini golf all the way to regular golf.
But this year has been a difficult one for me
(and also for everyone on Earth)
because sports had to go away for a while in order to keep us healthy,
kind of like the McRib.
Luckily, there’s a different kind of sport that doesn’t require large crowds of people coughing at each other in order to operate:
they’re called eh-sports.
Although we thought esports would blow up this year, they still couldn’t fill the gaping, sweaty hole left by traditional sports.
Even a pandemic was not enough to convince jocks that esports are kinda okay.
And when traditional sports started to reappear, they were a shadow of their former self.
Could 2020 mark the death knell of all sports? *bell ringing*
Or is that the ringing bell of opportunity?
The proverbial field is WIDE OPEN.
If I can somehow blend together traditional and esports into a pastime smoothie everyone will enjoy sipping, I can bring joy back to humanity,
and also make a shit ton of money in the process.
Today, I’m creating the perfect game and the future of sports.
*excited sporty music*
But when I began this task, I realized it would be challenging to tackle on my own. Creating this future sport
(For legal reasons I must make it clear that there is a space between future and sport and has absolutely nothing to do with the 1998 Wesley-Snipes-masterpiece Futuresport)
requires a larger perspective.
This sport has to stem the vast chasm between gamers and jocks, the Mariana Trench of culture.
I needed someone as passionate about sports and video games as myself. I needed someone with vision. I needed someone who,
say, would be willing to use video games to simulate the destruction of Basketball or create a golf course filled with cows and skyscrapers.
“Hi, my name’s Kofie Yeboah.”
Kofie works at Secret Base, and his series, the "Fumble Dimension” is kind of like if the mental anguish I suffer at the hands of Unraveled was crowdsourced.
Kofie’s penchant for seeing things through to their end, no matter the cost, makes him a perfect partner.
In our preliminary meeting, we outlined our three-step process: Research, development, and a live trial of our future sport in the form of a championship match.
The first step, as always, is research. Kofie and I talked over what we'd like to see in our future sport, but that's just two people’s perspectives,
and it’s two people who already love both sports and esports. With our perfect future sport, we want to appeal to EVERYONE.
“The Venn Diagram has very little overlap in the middle. And I just want to push those two circles right over each other.
And I also want the only thing in that middle circle to be our new sport which will kind of corner the market.”
So we interviewed our coworkers — some just liked esports, others just traditional sports —
to see what they loved, and what could be improved, about their favorite games.
And after hours of interviews, it became clear that it really boils down to three things:
Access, Community, and Cool-Ass Shit.
Access: People love watching the games that they can play, and that’s harder when games are more expensive, have convoluted rules, or require horses.
It’s why Soccer is so much more popular than Polo,
and why Rocket League is an esport and my pitch for Rocket Equestrian still hasn’t been picked up by Blizzard.
“I personally like watching Overwatch League whenever I can find it, and I understand it because I’ve played a bit before.”
“I think it is a problem with a lot of esports titles, is that the barrier to entry is extremely high.”
But even inaccessible games can be saved with good commentary.
“Certain announcers really do a good job of making stuff accessible I feel like.
One person is doing the color commentary and explaining stuff, and one person is kind of calling the regular shots.”
Community comes next. Sports and esports give you a common language to talk to strangers,
like your Uncle Doug who you see once every four years or when a relative dies.
It just makes it so much easier when you can talk to him about how Canyon’s jungle pathing really set them up for success at Worlds this year.
“Just an environment where you can meet people with similar interests and just, like, emotionally invest yourself in something.”
And finally, cool-ass shit, or as it’s known in esports, Epic Pog Moments. A moment of play that becomes transcendent. Stuff that causes this reaction:
“I still on a regular basis think about the game winner for Kawhi against the 76ers.”
The problem with cool-ass shit is that you can’t plan for it. It just has to happen. But we can create rules that encourage cool-ass shit.
And that’s why I wrote down every great idea our coworkers had on what to improve:
“Do you think there’s anything esports should be doing better?”
“Absolutely, first of all, I want more mascots.”
“There’s a lot of screaming, so if you’re not into that, maybe esports aren’t for you.”
“Do you think esports could be helped if there was an option kind of like a golf commentary?”
“You know what, I would.”
“Some kind of in-game economy. ” “Like, if after inning seven, one team got way bigger bats.” “Yeah.”
“Like, if the quarterback had a stamina bar.”
“Why couldn’t esports be held outdoors? It’s always indoors in an arena. Esports in the snow!”
After we had a good handle on what our future sport needed, Kofie and I met back up to discuss development. We started with a list of every sport.
“According to the World Sports Encyclopedia back in 2003, so this, you know, way out of date, 'there are 8000 indigenous sports and sporting games,' so...”
“Oh my god.”
Our original plan was to test every single sport in the world, and we were going to do that,
but unfortunately, my Dick’s Sporting Goods order was not approved by my supervisor.
But this ended up being a good thing:
“It should be something that you could learn and play from age 5.
I want kids to have to go out there and hang out with their, like, neighbor’s dad who’s coaching their little league for this hybrid sport we’re making.”
To get a better sense of what games had the lowest barrier to entry and were the most fun,
Kofie and I created a survey with 25 popular sports and 25 popular video games.
Then, we asked you, the audience, which of these games you have either played or enjoyed spectating.
And after over 16 thousand responses, we ended up with this mess.
The number one athletic activity was not soccer — the most popular sport in the world —
but bowling.
The only sport where you are not only allowed, but encouraged to eat curly fries while playing.
Kofie and I decided to test the top five answers for both categories, but we ran into an issue:
neither of us had access to a Wii or owned Mario Party.
Since this future sport needs a minuscule barrier to entry, we instead chose Solitaire, a game that shows up on every system, like recreational malware.
And also Despicable Me: Minion Rush, which, according to Wikipedia at the time of writing this, has been downloaded 95 BILLION times.
That means everyone on earth has downloaded it at least 12 times, which makes it, quantifiably, the most accessible game.
With our five sports and five games picked, Kofie and I split up to test different combinations, ranking them on their synergy, access, and fun.
"Okay, this is basketball and Smash Bros."
*hype montage music*
"I'll try to hit that."
"Not a bad workout!"
"I'm just playing two separate games. This is just two separate games."
"Probably the most challenging of the five tests that I've had."
"That was a good hit, that was a really solid hit."
"I have to go and reset the things now."
"Bowling is a bad choice."
In the end, it turned out that none of the combinations worked perfectly. Even Minion Rush, everyone’s favorite game, didn't work as a hybrid sport,
simply because there were just so many fucking pop ups.
If I wanted to create a sport specifically to run ads, I would have invented football.
For a moment, it seemed that a perfect hybrid of traditional and esports was nothing more than an impossible dream.
But in our final meeting, there was a eureka moment.
“What about trying to do an infinite runner while also chucking balls at people?”
“I’m all for it, that sounds like a great happy medium.”
And with that, the silhouette of our future sport began to sharpen. Instead of Minion Rush, we went with the slightly less burdensome Subway Surfers.
We spent a few days meticulously crafting the rules, not only to perfect the gameplay, but to make sure competition would be safe during the pandemic.
Once that was done, there was only one thing left to do: Play what will soon become the most popular game in the whole world.
*peppy music*
(Jenna Stoeber) - It's a beautiful overcast day in Brooklyn. The sky is making me blue, but not as blue as our main contender today.
It's the Polygon Blue-Tailed Skinks! Ready to bring it against the reigning champions, the Secret Base Ravens. How are you feeling about this matchup today, Josh?
(Josh Rios) - Let's get down to some of the numbers here. The Secret Base Ravens have been undefeated for most of the season,
while the Polygon Blue-Tailed Skinks, through a series of tough matches against other teams, they really pulled it together. I think this might be their season.
- For those of you who are new to the heart-pounding action that is Surferball, let me explain the rules to you.
Each competitor plays the free endless runner game while attempting to hit their opponents with balls.
If they die in Subway Surfers, they must lock their feet into place and wait for the cooldown timer to run out.
You must be moving in Subway Surfers in order to move in real life,
but players do have one chance to skip the death cooldown timer by using a key.
- That's right, Jenna, but they only get one key the entire match, because otherwise they would have to spend money on microtransactions.
Each round is played in volleys which end once all the balls have been chucked out of the Surferball arena or both players die in Subway Surfer.
The player that manages to hit their opponent five times wins the round and gets to start the next round with an extra dodgeball in their starting lineup.
The champion is determined by the best of three rounds.
- These players are warmed up and excited to hit the pitch, so let's go and join the action.
"Three, two, one, go."
- We're off to a very slow start here on the first game, and no one seems to be moving correctly.
- Lot of hesitancy on the part of both of these, again, seasoned competitors.
Been playing this game their whole lives, and yet seem to not have a basic grasp of what they're doing. But you know, that's just championship jitters. That'll get ya.
- And here is the one on one set, and THAT'S A HIT! - That's a beautiful hit.
"Okay, I just died. Oh shit." "I also died."
- And both of our competitors have died. They were not actively throwing balls at that moment,
but they did still both die. - It's as though they've never had a phone in their hands in their lives.
- Alright, two players up to the match. Kofie starting his game early!
This is a controversial technique that some teams deploy in order to get into what one would call a "groove."
"Are we both dead? Okay, I just have to hold it. Oh I just have to hold it, come on."
"Alright I'm back." "Oh Nononononono..."
- Oh you can hear the anguish in his voice, and that's a hit right there!"
- OOOOH! - OH!!!!!
- That is a torturous Bumper Ball Maneuver on Brian's side. The Blue Skinks playing a little dirty.
- Hate to see it, you hate to see anything like this. Anything like this is just a detriment to the sport. It really, really gets ya.
It really knocks the wind out of your sails. I don't know if Kofie's ever gonna recover from this.
- These two majestic beasts of men rushing the line. Kofie tagging Brian immediately with a little leg skip right there.
And Brian doing a classic Hedgeguarding technique here we're seeing, waiting for Kofie to die before he throws a ball,
but fumbles it with his own death! And Kofie is able to sweep in with another hit.
"Come on, come on, did you die? Nononono. Okay, playing, okay I'm back in it. Come on."
- OH MY GOSH! OH THE WEEDSNIPE! YES! YES! THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!
*airhorns* WEEDSNIPE *airhorns*
This only happens three times a year, and this is one of them. Replay this to your children, your children's children, and your forefathers.
THIS IS WHAT THE GAME IS ABOUT!
"On your marks, get set, go."
- Kofie grabs a ball, but Brian stays back. But Kofie does not take the opening, Brian able to get a point.
"I died, I died."
And a second hit!
"Is that five? That's five! Oh and I just barely made it through without dying!"
- Brian is celebrating as though he's won the entire game. The man who created the game does not understand that he still has more time-OH! That's a great kick.
- A classic show of tacky showmanship from our founder Brian.
- Here we are in the second round. Brian, of course, winner of the first round, coming into this in a strong position.
He's got three balls on his side, and one in his heart. Oh! We see, opening move, a Dungaree Scoop right into Kofie's center!
- And Brian right now is an open house, Kofie is coming in, and he's just left open, can't even close the doors, he's done!
- Smells like freshly baked cookies in here, because Brian is an open house.
*beep*
*smooth jazz playing* - A beautiful autumnal morning. These two competitors rushing the center line, dancing, it's a beautiful sport. That's a ball through the legs.
- Such a nice day, I could feel the breeze right there.
What about that woman in the background? - Oh, she looks like she's having a beautiful morning, I envy her.
- She might be getting a nice apple cider? - Maybe some apple cider donuts? Just a beautiful autumn mo-*beep*
- ...IMMEDIATELY THROUGH THE LEGS! Brian with those tiny little chicken bones he calls feet
DANCING around this ball, Kofie cannot land a hit!
- A lot of hopes relying on Kofie right now, Brian coming in with that Dungaree Scoop again,
he loves that move! But it backfires as he takes a hit, and a second hit!
Can you believe the athleticism, the confidence of Kofie!
- Both of these players are now one for one as they go into the final round.
Brian is currently taking down his hair, he only does this when it's serious, ladies and gentleman. And THIS IS SURFERBALL!
*intense music*
- Here we have the rush. And we see Kofie coming off with an Inverted Dungaree.
Landing a hit on Brian, ANOTHER hit on-A THIRD HIT ON BRIAN! Can you believe it?
- But where's Brian going right now? Brian is currently off the field, he saying he's still in, but, I'm looking at the refs, THERE'S NO REFS! AND HE G-
WHERE'S THE CALL? WHERE'S THE CALL? Currently, this is...
I hate to say it... That was possibly the worst play I've seen in my entire Surferball career.
- For those of us who have followed Brian's career for a long time now, this kind of behavior shouldn't be a surprise.
He's a scoundrel, and he's a bad boy, and he earned that reputation by doing nefarious deeds like this on the playing field.
"Alright, three one."
- Two professional athletes winded by this mild amount of activity. Most of it in their thumbs. They're readying up. This is it.
"Three, two, one, begin!"
- Kofie lands a hand on a ball but does not throw i-OH!
He managed to hit one of those baby baby chicken legs.
Brian trying to go for a ball, both competitors dead now.
And Brian uses one of his keys to land a single hit-
OH KOFIE USING HIS KEY TO LAND THE FINAL HIT!
- And that is the game! The Secret Base Ravens are your champions for this season of Surferball!
Oh the anguish in Brian's face can be seen from a mile away.
- Could not happen to a better team, a better sportsman, Kofie is your champion America, how do you like that?
- Let's cut back to Brian real quick just to get his emotions right now-
and he's face down on the ground, as he begins to fertilize the fields for next season of SURFERBALL.
And there you have it. Surferball. An attempt by Kofie and I to create the perfect future sport, which obviously didn’t pan out because I lost.
So there must something wrong with the rules. Back to the drawing board, Kofie.
“I mean, I think the rules went fine for me. I didn't really have a problem with it."
NO, you'll see if you check in round two, volley two, there was...
"Oh no that was terrible! Ahhh."
"Oooh that was a bad move on my part. Shouldn't have been so excited about my soccer skills."