if my wife would have more sex with me i wouldn't need porn I'm Dr. Trish Leigh,
cognitive neuroscientist and sex addiction recovery coach i'm gonna break that down with
you here today if you think that you don't need to go into the screen if your wife was performing
more and better for you then this video is for you we're going to break down three things number one
i don't want you to forget that you brought porn brain into your relationship inadvertently yes
but in fact that has consequences which we will explore number two is even if your wife doesn't
know that you watch porn she knows and i'm gonna tell you what i mean by that number three is your
wife likely is culturalized and socialized to be hyposexual which is the polar opposite of
hypersexuality that you have developed through pornography we're going to break that down and
of course lastly your brain tip strategy for today is very important for you to come out of this hole
my wife doesn't want to have sex with me thing so you can get on purpose in your relationship
start having better sex than ever and have a better relationship okay let us get started
number one porn brain you brought porn brain into your relationship so we know that most
men start watching porn very early on in either late childhood or early adolescence so what that
means is the seeds of hypersexuality and addictive sex were planted when you were kiddo and every
time you water those seeds by watching pornography you're actually conditioning your brain to go back
into the screen whether you have a partner or not and you're inadvertently training your brain that
all of the arousal all of the dopamine is in pornography thus what happens is you are less
satisfied and less aroused by your partner and at the same time you might be blaming her for not
arousing you enough this throws off relationship dynamics it really creates a lot of challenges for
people and the takeaway from this is some of this is coming off of you and you have onus of control
in that that's not blame that's not shame that's you know what it's coming off of me so i can do
something about it which i'm going to share in just a minute but what porn brain does is it
conditions you to want dopamine from heightened arousal so as you leave the screen behind
and you start having connective relational healthy sex with your with your wife or your partner then
it will be better for both of you there's many studies that show porn ruins relationships and
sexual relationships there's a few studies that you can check them out and i'll put a link below
to one of them for cooper at all cooper started researching porn in relationships a long time ago
their studies back to 1999 there's a few studies that were crucial from 2006 you can check them out
but basically what they show is if you're a porn user you need heightened arousal and there'll be
less satisfaction for you and your partner will feel that and there will be less satisfaction for
your partner and so when you unwire the porn brain and you rewire your brain to be healthy again
healthy sex is on the other side of that okay number two is even if she doesn't know she knows
and what i mean by that is there are studies there's a new study from paul wright
that shows that consuming pornography changes your sexual template so the things that you see
in porn whatever you're watching that becomes the sexual template that's activated for you that you
want to apply so the way that i think about that is it creeps into your bedroom whether
you know it or not because it's in your mind it's in the neural pathways that you've been firing up
that's what your brain wants from sex so you get into the bedroom and you want to include
these acts that are objectifying your partner who doesn't want to be objectified she doesn't
want to be used as an object for your pleasure she wants to have an experience with you those
are two different things and what that leads to is dr jekyll and mr hydeness
or just the mr hydeness if you are always in that objectified pleasure-seeking mode the dr
jekyll part is the coming and going of yourself or your need for pleasure no pun intended right
within your sexual experience so what that looks like is you go to fantasy to get the heightened
level of arousal that you need or you try to do an act and actually there's a new study on choking
that people are now finding sexual choking to be acceptable men not women women who are being
choked don't want to be choked men inadvertently will go to sexual choking because they're watching
so much of it and there's no negative consequences in porn you don't see the porn performers being
upset by being choked that's left out so there's activation which leads you to want to apply
that in your own relationship and there's other studies that show the five most common acts that
are portrayed in pornography performances are not anything a real healthy woman would want
to experience in a connective healthy sexual experience so my point about that is she knows
if you keep going to try to do things or you keep going off to fantasy she knows when you've left
the connective experience or she just knows it's not the connective experience at all that she's
looking for so women don't want to keep going back for more of something that they don't want and my
point about the porn brain is that you might be inadvertently bringing that into every exp every
sexual experience with your partner so i encourage you to evaluate that number three before we get to
our brain tip and we'll evaluate together number three is hyposexuality so a lot of women really
are cultured and socialized their families teach them not to never mind think about sex or talk
about sex or want sex right we're all taught not to talk about it there's so much shame around
sex in the first place that men are creating their own private sexual lives and women are
convincing themselves they don't need sexual lives because their men have their private sexual lives
that's not good for anybody in the end it's not enjoyable for anybody
so the way out of that is to have your partner increase her sexuality figure out what she likes
then you give her what she likes she figures out what turns her on it becomes more of a wait for it
romantic loving experience than just an intense pleasure seeking experience for you and for her
so she increases her hyposexuality to healthy sexual levels you decrease your hypersexuality
to healthy levels and here's your brain tip strategy for today how do you do that well number
one you stop watching porn and you stop putting that into your brain every day what your brain
needs for arousal it's going to continue to ramp up that need for the acts for the fantasy for the
heightened mental and physical stimulation that can't be found in a real sexual experience stay
out of the screen and then secondly communicate start talking to your wife or your partner have
you talked about sex with her i know i know we're supposed to do all kinds of funky things
without actually talking about it but if you talk about it you'll get the funky things that you
want she'll get some new funky things she didn't even know she wants and you both will be happy
in your sexual relationship now depending upon how long you've been in an asexual relationship
you know that bridge gapping that you know creating the bridge that uh closes that gap might
be challenging so it might not be an overnight one conversation type of thing but if you begin
to communicate then that open communication over time is going to lead you to a relationship that's
healthy someone just told me everybody's sexual relationships are screwed up and he was right like
i couldn't i couldn't argue back but he's like everybody's sexual relationships are screwed up
this person i know has been sleeping in a separate bedroom from his wife for four years
this guy i know hasn't had sex with his wife in months you know that doesn't make it okay
that is the state of affairs because porn has it's flying under the radar it's creeped in and it's
creating all this hypersexuality for you it's creating stress and hyposexuality for your partner
so i want to tell you one more thing before i wrap up is that we know that consuming pornography
also creates erectile dysfunction so when you go to be with your partner you literally can't
get aroused enough to perform and that creates performance anxiety that anxiety is palpable and
your partner can feel that and if she doesn't know you're consuming porn she doesn't know why you're
not aroused by her it creates tons of stress we know from the science that partner part your
satisfaction and your partner's satisfaction tanks because of porn and the craziest part is
nobody traces it back to porn use except for me and i'm helping you to do that stay out of the
screen start talking to your partner get your sex life back on track i want that for you you deserve
it and your partner deserves it too so let's do this thing okay if you're looking for help on this
journey please reach out to me Dr. Trish Leigh.com my colleague adria and i it's mostly adria but i
have a digital program at sanityafterbetrail.com for partners so if you and your partner have a gap
to bridge there's a program for her there also and it's congruent with the way that i teach
men to heal their brains women need to heal in a different way betrayal trauma is what it's called
when a partner can't process what's going on with their part with their husbands or their man's porn
consumption habit and it can really wreak havoc in a relationship so if you want to get healing
you can look for those programs okay and until next time control your brain or it'll control you