-Welcome back, everybody. You know it can be hard
to make big life decisions, and sometimes
we could all use a little help.
With that in mind, it's time for "Life Coach with Bill Burr."
♪♪
-♪ Life Coach with Bill Burr ♪
-Wow. I love that.
♪ Life Coach ♪
I'm joined now by life coach Bill Burr.
Thank you for being here, Bill.
-That might be the height of the segment, that little song.
-[ Laughs ] No, no. So, here's what --
Let me explain what we did. We had viewers
send in some questions that they need your coaching on.
And I'd love for you to give some tough advice.
-That's right. If you can't afford a professional,
ask someone with no degree.
Let's do it. -[ Laughs ]
Here we go. The first one says...
-Well, it's great that you love your cat
'cause your boyfriend doesn't love you.
All right?
If he loved you, he would have moved in with you.
Or if he loved you at that level.
Like, if I met -- When I met my wife,
the woman of my dreams,
if she had a cat and I was allergic to it,
I would have figured something out.
I wouldn't have been like, "Listen. You're the one for me.
I think about you all the time. But you got a cat, so..."
I think he's saying he enjoys having sex with you
but he doesn't want to go any further.
So, you know. -Yeah. Wow.
-I hope you got a nice cat.
-There you go. Hey. Number two...
-Ohh.
Yeah. You don't marry the guy.
-Yeah. -All right?
And I don't even think you're in love with the guy
you're working with. -Yeah, me neither.
-I just think -- You're not in love.
You don't want to do this.
You know what the problem is, Jimmy?
Is they never teach you how to break up with somebody.
Okay? So...
This person has probably wanted
to get out of this relationship for -- What would you say?
At least a year, maybe two? -Yep.
-So what this person really needs
is help on how to break up.
So what you gotta do -- All you say is, "We need to talk."
And then when he sits down, just say,
"Look. I don't want to marry you."
Just get it out there.
Now the Band-Aid's been ripped off.
And whatever he's going to do, it's going to crush him.
It's going to break his heart.
But it'd be way worse if you broke his heart
a couple decades and a couple of kids from now.
You know? So just get out of it.
"I don't want to marry you." -Yeah. I totally agree.
-Bang that guy at work, but you don't love him, either.
[ Laughter ]
-Stop thinking that women are so precious.
All right? They're human beings. They're just like men.
They make a lot of mistakes, and they also have faults.
The fact that, like --
This dynamic when you get in a relationship
that women can basically say --
You know, anything you need to work on,
they're gonna bring it up, but you have to approach it
like the end of an action movie,
like, which wire can I snip so this thing doesn't blow up.
You got to sit there and say, "Listen.
You know, I'm not saying I don't love you.
I'm not saying I don't care about you.
But you sound like a dump truck full of peat moss
backing up every night...
-[ Laughs ]
-...and I can't get to sleep, so something's gotta give.
I don't want you to wear a scuba mask, you know?
So can I just sleep in the other room?"
-Yeah. Or can we get a Breathe Right strip?
There's things we can do.
-"Your snoring is as ugly as you are beautiful.
Honey, I have to sleep down the hall."
This is a great exercise, though.
Because there's this whole narrative out there
that guys are just these A-holes to their girlfr--
Like, every one of us.
And most guys are like this guy, where it's, like, you're afraid.
"Hey, I don't want to say anything,
but, you know, your mom pushed my kid
down the stairs the other day. I don't want to offend you."
It's just like --- You just -- You gotta get it out there.
Just say, "Listen. You are..."
If my wife snores, I just take my foot
and I slowly push her out of the bed.
-Okay. Here we go.
[ Laughter ]
-She does it to me, too. She'll just wake me up.
She'll just be like, "You got to get out of here."
-I know. Gosh. -"Am I snoring?"
She's like, "Yes. Get out of here."
And she, like, hands me the pillow and the comforter.
I don't wake up the next day upset with her.
-[ Laughs ] No.
-♪ Honesty ♪
-All right, first of all, you gotta address
the honesty of the situation. He doesn't keep forgetting.
What happens is you keep washing his dishes.
All right? And you're not calling him on his [bleep].
So bas-- Oh, sorry. You're not calling him on his business.
So I would say, you know...
-He forgets to wash them.
-Can you beat this guy up? Can you beat this guy up?
'Cause if you can, you can just threaten vi--
You can use the threat of violence.
"If you don't do this, I'm gonna beat the [bleep] out of you,"
which for some reason you're not allowed to say that anymore
despite when somebody needs an ass-kicking.
So, Jimmy, we got go more progressive here.
-Yeah. Okay.
But leaving dishes in the sink, this is -- You threaten him?
-I would just start scraping the food off his plate
and put it in his pillow case.
But I'd be nice and I'd leave a Post-It.
I'd say, "Hey, you know,
you keep forgetting your food on the plate,
so I figured I'd put it in a place
where you'd remember it."
Don't do it and not say that you did it
'cause then you're going to look like some chick
who keyed his car.
You got to let him know you did it.
Then when he comes out, just be like, "Listen.
I'm not your maid. And you're not forgetting.
And I'm not cleaning up after you.
You do it again, I'm going to take biggest plate
I can find that you used or I used
and I'm gonna smash it over your head."
And I hate to say that,
but violence is only thing that people like that understand.
[ Laughter ]
The threat of violence.
-I want to do this all night long.
-This could be my new self-help book.
-[ Laughs ] Okay. All right. This is the last one here.
I just figured I'd say this because you --
-Out of everybody, that guy bugged me the most.
-Yep. Oh, really? Yeah. -Oh, yeah.
I lived with a guy like that.
-Yeah. Forget to wash them.
I'm bringing this up because, gosh, you have a beautiful --
You have two babies. You have a beautiful little 4-year-old.
So this one is -- It says...
-All right. This is what happens.
Sometimes when you love your kids so much,
you're afraid to discipline them,
and you're literally gotten to --
Like, reading that question, I understand it as a parent,
but also it's kind of hilarious that you're acting like
this 5-year-old girl can beat the crap out of you.
Okay? You're the parent. She's the kid.
You tell the kid that they have to sit there
until they finish their vegetables.
And dessert should be something that they occasionally have.
So you have to undo what you did,
which was you let this kid get away with murder.
The fact that that kid is throwing vegetables on the floor
and you're tolerating it is your own damn fault.
The kid's acting like it has its own sitcom series.
It doesn't. All right?
It's not paying any rent. It has no -- [ Laughs ]
It has no bargaining chips.
-The kid's not unboxing toys or anything. Nothing.
-Yes. Yes. It's not "Ryan's World."
Okay? Ryan can throw his vegetables.
My daughter loves that show.
It's one of the few times I ever lied to my daughter.
She goes, "Can we watch Ryan?" I go, "No, he's sleeping."
-[ Laughs ]
-Because he's sleeping in the TV.
And I couldn't do it. I finally just said, "Listen.
Daddy can only handle 20 minutes of that show. I'm sorry."
All right? I can watch Bugs Bunny all day long,
I can watch "Sesame Street." There's jokes in it for me, too.
All right? I actually watch "Ryan's World,"
and I get the fascinated with the parents,
their level of energy. -Yes! Me too!
-Like, how they sit there in a 5-, 6-year-old mind-set
all day long.
I mean, I get it. They're all making cash.
But, good Lord, I feel bad for them.
-[ Laughs ]
-I'm gonna be honest with you. I don't want to jinx Ryan,
but I don't think that marriage is going to last.
Anyways, getting back
to this little kid here with the vegetables --
You just have to -- You're gonna have to sit
through some epic meltdowns
and you're just gonna have to make her eat the vegetables.
And you're doing a good thing.
Because this kid is going to become a fat person
if they're not eating vegetables
and other kids are going to be mean to them
no matter how many little positive things
are out there on social media.
That's what happens.
So you need to get this kid shredded
so the kid can go out in the world
and have a chance when it turns 6.
-Shredded. [ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
-I don't know. I get it.
Because my --
You know, my daughter manipulates me pretty well,
but not to that level of, like --
I have, like, a line,
and a kid starting to throw food on the ground,
that's just, like -- that's not happening.
-Gosh.
Dude, this has been unbelievable.
And I'm not even just saying this.
Unbelievable.
I thought the bit was going to be fun,
but it is beyond fun.
It was funny, but it's also so --
It was just very you.
I loved it. It's very smart. I really appreciate it.
This is fantastic for all these people.
They're lucky they got a life coach with Bill Burr.
We'll talk more with Bill later in the show.
-Hey. Whenever you want to do it, Jimmy, I got the time.
This pandemic has just opened up my schedule.