>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND
UPDATE," WITH COLIN JOST, AND
MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING,
EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE"
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> AND I'M COLIN JOST.
Well after President
Trump was criticized for a
terrible response to Hurricane
Maria.
This morning he finally gave
the people of Puerto Rico what
they needed most.
A bunch of tweets straight up
calling them lazy.
>>> TRUMP SAYS THE PEOPLE OF
PUERTO RICO, QUOTE, WANT
EVERYTHING TO BE DONE FOR THEM".
THEN HE TOLD HIS CADDY TO REPAIR
HIS DIFFICULTY AND DRIVE HIM TO
THE NEXT HOLE.
TRUMP ALWAYS SAID HE WAS GOING
TO GET THINGS DONE FASTER THAN
ANY OTHER PRESIDENT.
NOW I BELIEVE HIM.
IT TOOK GEORGE W. BUSH TO GET
HIS KATRINA.
MEANWHILE, RAPPER PITBULL HAS
LOANED OUT HIS PRIVATE JET TO
HELP RESCUE PEOPLE IN PUERTO
RICO.
WOW, IF ONLY DONALD TRUMP KNEW
SOMEONE WITH A PRIVATE JET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HOW IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES WORSE AT
HUMANITARIAN AID THAN PITBULL.
AND YOU KNOW PITBULL IS DOING IT
WHILE ALSO FEATURING ON FOUR
DIFFERENT TRACKS AND HOSTING
FOAM PARTIES FOR BUD LIGHT.
TRUMP IS BUSY DOING THE REAL
WORK, MAKING EXCUSES WHILE HALF
EXPLAINING WHAT AN ISLAND IS.
JUST WATCH.
>> THIS IS AN ISLAND, SURROUNDED
BY WATER, BIG WATER, OCEAN
WATER.
>> WATER YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN?
THIS ISN'T A TREACHEROUS
JOURNEY.
IT'S PUERTO RICO.
NOT SKULL ISLAND.
CRUISE SHIPS FULL OF RETIRED
AUNTS GO THERE EVERY DAY.
I THINK TRUMP IS WORKING OF ONE
OF THOSE OLD SAILOR MAPS WITH
SEA MONSTERS ON IT.
>> AFTER THE MAYOR OF SAN JUAN
CRITICIZED THE GOVERNMENT'S
PUERTO RICAN RELIEF EFFORTS
PRESIDENT TRUMP ATTACKED HER ON
TWITTER SAYING, "THE MAYOR OF
SAN JUAN WHO WAS VERY
COMPLIMENTARY ONLY A FEW DAYS
AGO.
HAS NOW BEEN TOLD BY THE
DEMOCRATS THAT YOU MUST BE NASTY
TO TRUMP."
OH, REALLY, DONALD?
YOU BITCH.
WAS SHE NASTY TO YOU?
HOW NASTY?
ARE YOU SHAKING?
DO YOU WANT TO SMOKE A VIRGINIA
SLIM UNTIL YOUR HAND STOPS
MOVING?
THIS ISN'T A COMPLICATED ISSUE,
MAN, IT'S HURRICANE RELIEF.
YOU JUST DID THIS VERY SAME
THING FOR WHITE PEOPLE, TWICE.
SO, TELL MELANIA TO PUT ON HER
FLOOD HEELS.
GET YOU SOME BOTTLED WATER, SOME
FOOD, SOME ATLANTA FALCONS SUPER
BOWL T-SHIRTS, WRITE A CHECK AND
-- WITH OUR MONEY, YOU CHEAP
CRACKER.
IN ONE MONTH YOU HAVE MISHANDLED
PUERTO RICO, DACA, THE NFL.
IT'S LIKE WHEN ANYBODY DARKER
THAN YOUR GOLF PANTS HAS A
PROBLEM YOU ARE THINKING HOW CAN
I MAKE THIS WORSE.
HEALTH AND SERVICES SECRETARY
TOM PRICE WAS CAUGHT USING
ALMOST A MILLION DOLLARS IN
TAXPAYER MONEY TO FRIDAY ON
PRIVATE JETS.
THAT'S COOL YOU RESIGNED, BUT
HOW ABOUT YOU PAY BACK THE
MONEY?
YOU CAN'T WALK INTO A STORE AND
DO A MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF
DAMAGE AND THEN BE LIKE I GET
IT, I'LL LEAVE.
MAN, WE WANT YOU TO PAY.
YOU CAN MAKE THAT MILLION BACK
WHEN YOU PUBLISH YOUR MEMOIR,
ALL THE PLACES YOU'LL GO ON A
GOVERNMENT FUNDED PRIVATE JET.
>>> THIS WEEK PRESIDENT TRUMP
CONTINUED HIS CRITICISM OF NFL
PLAYERS WHO TOOK A KNEE DURING
THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
HE FIGURED CNN MSNBC ALREADY
HATE ME, HOW CAN I GET ESPN TO
HAID MADE ME, TOO.
BECAUSE TRUMP NEEDS EVERY
NETWORK TALKING ABOUT HIM, NEXT
HE IS GOING TO TWEET AT
NICKELODEON THAT THEY NEED TO
SHOW US DORA'S PAPERS.
>> THE COMMISSIONER OF THE NBA
SAID THAT HE EXPECTED PLAYERS TO
FOLLOW LEAGUE RULES AND STAND
DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
THE NBA IS WHAT, 130, 140%
BLACK?
WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU GOING TO DO
IF THEY ALL DECIDE TO KNEEL?
HAVE THE NEW YORK PORZINGIS PLAY
THE SAN ANTONIO GINOBILI?
AND, HOW DID THIS GUY GET TO BE
THE COMMISSIONER OF THE NBA
ANYWAY?
HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY PUT A
SUIT ON A SEX TOY.
IT'S HARD TO ASK BLACK PLAYERS
TO RESPECT THE FLAG WHEN THEY
KNOW THIS COUNTRY CARES MORE
ABOUT IT THAN US.
OKAY?
WE LOVE THE FLAG, IT'S JUST THAT
WHITE GUYS REALLY LOVE THE FLAG.
I MEAN, IT'S ONE THING TO LIKE
I BET IF YOU ASK A BLACK PERSON,
DO YOU LOVE AMERICA?
HE'S LIKE, WHOA I LOVE BROOKLYN,
I AM RESERVING JUDGMENT ON THE
DAKOTAS.
>> ANGELA MERKEL WAS REELECTED
AS CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY FOR A
FOURTH TERM AND IS NOW THE
LONGEST SERVING LEADER IN
EUROPE.
HERE TO COMMENT IS GERMAN
CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OH, YEAH, I AM THE WINNER,
YAY!
>> WAIT, WAIT, ARE YOU HAPPY
THAT YOU WON?
>> YES.
OF COURSE I'M HAPPY.
IS THAT NOT COMING ACROSS?
I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY SMILE.
YAY!
>> IT LOOKS A LITTLE TORTURED.
>> OKAY.
WELL, TO BE HONEST, COLIN PART
OF ME WAS HOPING TO RETIRE EVEN
THOUGH THE AVERAGE RETIREMENT
AGE IN GERMANY IS 87, AT WHICH
POINT YOU TRANSITION INTO MANUAL
LABOR.
ALSO, MY VICTORY WAS BITTER
SWEET BECAUSE THE FAR, FAR RIGHT
PARTY WON SEATS IN OUR
PARLIAMENT FOR THE FIRST TIME
SINCE THE -- YOU KNOW.
>> WHAT WAS THAT?
>> YOU KNOW, THE --
>> THE NAZIS.
GOT YOU, YEAH.
YEAH, I GOT TO SAY YOU SEEM
STRESSED OUT CHANCELLOR.
>> OH, THANK YOU.
>> NO, I MEAN I'M WORRIED ABOUT
YOU, I'M WORRIED THAT YOU ARE
DEALING WITH A LOT.
>> YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.
IT'S LIKE EVERYONE IN EUROPE IS
HAVING A ROWDY SLUMBER PARTY AND
I'M THE MEAN MOM WHO HAS TO SEND
THEM TO BED WITHOUT THEIR
RADISHES.
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY ALLIES LEFT
>> NO ALLIES.
MOSTLY ACTORS THESE DAYS.
EXCEPT OH, FOR THAT FRENCH HUNK
MACRON, OOH-LA-LA.
GET ME SOME DIAPHRAGMS.
I THINK OF THIS GUY I'M LIKE,
OBAMA WHO?
BARACK IS IT WORKING?
AM I MAKING YOU JEALOUS?
LEAVE MICHELE.
>> OH NO, YOU'RE STILL THAT HUNG
UP ON OBAMA, HUH?
>> I KNOW I MUST ACCEPT THAT
IT'S OVER AND MOVE ON.
SO, I DECIDED TO GET RID OF
EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE THAT
REMINDS ME OF HIM.
THIS LOVE LETTER I WROTE HIM BUT
NEVER SENT.
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, I
RESPECT YOU, TEPID REGARDS,
MERKEL.
A MIX CD I MADE YOU BUT WAS TOO
SHY TO GIVE.
IT'S A MIX OF ALL THE SONGS BY
CREED.
A PICTURE OF US AT THE G20
SUMMIT.
I WAS COLD AND YOU LET ME BORROW
YOUR JACKET.
TURNS OUT WE WERE WEARING THE
SAME SUIT.
I HAD TO STOP FOLLOWING HIM ON
SOCIAL MEDIA SO I WOULDN'T BE
TEMPTED THE SLIDE INTO HIS DMs.
ONE NIGHT I HAD ONE TOO MANY
SHOTS, ONE.
AND I SENT HIM A PICTURE OF MY
BARE KNEE.
HE WROTE BACK, IS THAT A PEELED
POTATO?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOW.
IT REALLY MUST BE HARD TO GO
FROM OBAMA TO TRUMP.
AND I ALSO HEARD THAT TRUMP
WAITED FOUR DAYS BEFORE HE
CALLED YOU TO SAY CONGRATS.
>> FOUR DAYS.
FOUR DAYS, HE WAITS.
WHICH IN GERMANY IS LIKE
20 BUSINESS DAYS.
FINALLY I SENT HIM A TINY
E-MAIL, I WAS LIKE ARE YOU GOING
SAY ANYTHING?
AND HE WAS LIKE OH, SORRY, JUST
SAW THIS, DIDN'T HAVE MY PHONE.
AND I WAS LIKE, THAT FEELING
WHEN HE DOESN'T TEXT YOU BACK,
BUT YOU SEE HIM TWEETING.
>> I THINK YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME
TIME AFTER YOUR VICTORY TO
RELAX.
HALLOWEEN IS RIGHT AROUND THE
CORNER.
>>> ALREADY KNOW WHAT MY SFOOUM
WILL BE.
I WILL BE GOING A SLUTTY ANGELA
MERKEL.
THAT'S ME, BUT WITH A HAT.