(upbeat instrumental music)
- Nothing like men in their seventies, right?
(audience laughing)
My dad's at that really cool place in his life
where he says things that are true
that provide relief to no one.
(audience laughing)
Like this week, I call him up and I'm like, what's up?
He goes, you know gays don't bother me.
And I was like,
(audience laughing)
that's good.
He goes, they're just living their life.
Why would I get upset?
And I'm like, I don't know.
(audience laughing)
And then it's just quiet on the phone.
I'm like, are we done talking right now?
(audience laughing)
He's like, no, I'm just thinking.
Oh, it's fun to listen to.
(audience laughing)
As you breathe into the.
(heavy breathing)
And he goes, your mother and I are going on a cruise
and I go, okay, have fun.
And I ask him, I go, which cruise line?
And he goes Carnival.
And I'm like, wait, isn't that like the party cruise?
And my dad's response,
I swear on my children,
was buddy, there's no other way to say it.
I love watching black people have fun.
(audience laughing)
What?
(audience laughing)
I mean, we all do, but to say it out loud.
(audience laughing)
It's fucking crazy.
(audience laughing)
Can you picture my dad on the aft deck
of a Carnival Cruise just like.
(audience laughing)
Those blacks are having fun.
Let's get some food.
This is fun.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
I've spread so many fucking rumors.
My favorite part about rumors, nobody verifies shit.
Somebody says something once
and you're like, cool, I'll roll with that forever.
Thanks man.
(audience laughing)
They're like, are you gonna fact check that?
And you're like, why, you said it out loud.
I don't have to check any of that, like
(audience laughing)
it's now a fact, so whatever.
It's really, it's a seed, right?
It's a seed.
You ever be a part of one that just grows?
I remember years ago I'm watching a movie with my dad.
In the middle of the movie,
the actor, Tommy Lee Jones, appears on screen.
Great actor, Oscar winner.
Unprompted, my dad turns to me and he goes,
do you know he was gay?
(audience laughing)
I was like, no.
Yeah.
(audience laughing)
Now it doesn't matter and I don't care.
But I decided I would tell
everyone I ever met for the rest of my life
that Tommy Lee Jones is gay.
I told a lot of people.
Like from The Fugitive through No Country for Old Men,
I told everybody.
(audience laughing)
Until one day I told somebody and he goes, no he isn't.
(audience laughing)
And I was like, yeah he is.
And he goes, how do you know that?
And I said, my dad told me.
(audience laughing)
He goes, what, did your dad fuck him or something?
(audience laughing)
And I was like, I don't think so.
(audience laughing)
Then he goes, I've known him 40 years.
I know his wife and kids.
I knew him when he was single.
He is not gay.
And I go, what is happening right now?
(audience laughing)
And I called my dad immediately.
And I was like, dad.
I just got confirmation that Tommy Lee Jones isn't gay.
And my dad goes, oh, I thought he was.
(audience laughing)
Is that the end of your investigation?
Are you fucking serious?
(audience laughing)
Why did you tell me that?
And he goes, I don't know.
I said, did somebody tell you?
He goes, I can't remember.
(audience laughing)
I said, have you been telling everybody
for 15 years that Tommy Lee Jones is gay?
And he goes, yep.
(audience laughing)
I go, don't you think we should stop?
He goes, now we should.
(audience laughing)
It's better than my dad's actual small talk,
which is awkwardly racial small talk.
(audience laughing)
It's not racist, but it involves race.
(audience laughing)
Like we're at a restaurant and you know the server walks up
and she's Asian.
My dad'll be like, you Chinese?
(audience laughing)
And she's like, no, I'm Korean.
Oh, I was in Vietnam.
And I'm like,
(audience laughing)
what are you doing?
What, I was?
I know.
What does that have to do with anything?
And then he goes, a lot fewer of them when I left,
if you know what I mean, buddy?
And I'm like, ah no.
(audience laughing)
(whistles)
Well, yeah no, just two Diet Cokes.
We're gonna wrap it up pretty quick, so.
Dude, if he meets a black guy,
shut it the fuck down, okay?
'Cause it's gonna get weird.
Like, dude, I see it.
A black guy starts talking to us and my dad'll be like.
(groans)
I can see it in his eyes, like a clock's ticking down.
And I'm like, how weird are you about to be with him?
(audience laughing)
He looks like a dog when you show a dog a treat
and you're like sit still.
And the dogs like.
(groans)
(audience laughing)
I work with a black guy.
Oh.
(audience laughing)
Oh.
(audience laughing)
Oh man.
Yeah, Carl, you know him?
(mumbles)
I thought you guys knew each other.
I don't know.
Well, I don't know him.
He works in the building.
You know what I mean.
You're like fuck.
Jesus.
Speaking of dads, I'm gonna be a dad.
Isn't that crazy?
(audience cheering)
I know, well.
You know, not my fucking problem.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
That's your kid, so.
I'm gonna stick around.
I wanna see what it looks like and stuff, but
just for a second.
But, so crazy man.
All I did was I didn't pull out and then
(audience laughing)
now I'm gonna be a dad.
So nuts.
(audience laughing)
Isn't that crazy?
Like as a man, all you do is you dump inside of a girl
and then there's life.
That's a pretty crude way of putting that, I'm sorry, but
(audience laughing)
that's what happens.
(audience laughing)
Let's just talk about how good that feels.
I,
(audience laughing)
dude, I've been pulling out for years
and no, no orgasm.
You don't like have an
and you're like, ah, that sucks.
Like it's still,
it feels great.
But when you leave it in,
dude.
(audience laughing)
Here's all I'm saying.
If you're a pullout guy, next time, don't.
(audience laughing)
Even if she tells you to and be like, I forgot.
(audience laughing)
And she'll whine about it.
(groans)
What if I am pregnant?
(audience laughing)
My career.
(audience laughing)
And you'll be like, oh yeah, is law school on hold?
All right.
(audience laughing)
Pretty sure you can cut hair with a gut.
(audience laughing)
Guys, I'm joking, I'm joking.
(audience laughing)