there's a question i've been asked a lot since i came out as gay
adam how did you know you were gay unlike my super fabulous brethrens who embody a flamboyant order
nature my natural way of expression never opened itself up towards the third party assumption of my
sexuality being anything other than straight figuring out my sexuality was one thing
accepting that my sexuality needed to be labeled was another so in this video i want to break
down and share with you the five things i went through when i was discovering my sense of self
specifically my sexuality how i learned to understand my body and ultimately how
i learned to accept my differences and view them as a superpower instead of a disability
before we begin i want to give a quick shout out to this mobile app called spectrum it is
a crowdsource app that helps the queer community find safe queer spaces within their local regions
i'll talk a bit more about it towards the end of this video so if that sounds interesting to you
please stay tuned to learn more also as always if you could tap like button so others like yourself
may find this video recommended to them through youtube's algorithm
that would be wonderful number one your bodily response the most obvious
response to this was how my body reacted to external stimuli in my case the obvious
reaction to the male anatomy besides finding myself substantially more interested in the male
anatomy comparatively to the female counterpart i remember thinking to myself unless i've actually
had physical experience with both genders i will truly never actually know that may not be true for
everybody but i remember my first sexual encounter with a male and a female person happened when i
was 18. no no get your head out of the gutter it didn't all happen at the same time but i did
experience sex in both these circumstances and despite already knowing my substantial attraction
towards the male anatomy my body reacted confidently towards the female touch as well
which ultimately further confused me in retrospect i learned that our sense of touch is so powerful
that even despite a lack of physical attraction our bodies can react to the stimuli of touch in
favorable ways these encounters obviously didn't help me understand and accept myself straight away
but it ultimately laid the foundations i needed towards accepting my truth number two the feeling
of guilt on top of enjoying my encounter with another man i also felt guilt i remember as i
walked away from that encounter i told myself now that you've got this experience out of your system
you can focus on moving on from this notion of same-sex attraction and that time i went
on and abstained from pursuing my same-sex attraction for quite some time after this
nobody knew what i was going through and i didn't have anybody know what i had experienced looking
back this guilt stemmed from a self-loathing i accepted from society as a form of punishment
for being different to what was expected of me through my twenties i battled with the idea of
pursuing a relationship with the opposite sex as a way to overcome this guilt although i could
grow emotionally invested in my relationships with the opposite sex
it dawned on me that my pursuits were futile as my motivations towards being physically sexual
with my female counterpart didn't grow with the relationship if anything it actually ceased to
exist and eventually the guilt i had to face lying to her surpassed the guilt i had for my same-sex
attraction number three a natural intimate connection in the process of pursuing my romantic
relationships i learned that in order to achieve a successful romantic relationship it was important
to have both the emotional and physical response reciprocate naturally instead of having it forced
when i say forced i mean that internal battle i had with myself to step up and perform this didn't
come naturally to me when i encountered physical intimacy with the opposite sex
as it did with a same-sex partner despite a growing emotional attachment to my female partners
my physical attachment towards the relationship never took off as i hoped it would instead i
would somewhat dread going through these sexual experiences of intimacy with my female partners
not only because i didn't naturally feel the attraction but as my emotions developed i learned
that the whole point of intimacy was to present yourself honestly and in these circumstances
there was nothing honest with my approach although i appreciated the emotional value that we shared
every relationship i had with a female partner grew stunted very quickly that's because i believe
intimacy for myself required both a physical and emotional element especially when i was trying to
pursue romance number four understand the outcomes of honesty versus dishonesty as my emotional
intelligence grew through my experiences so did my awareness of what it meant to be truly honest
i started really diving into deep thought about my future and how the value of honesty would affect
my relationships did i want to have biological children so much that i was willing to lie to get
what i wanted did i want to hide from my own shame behind a relationship that would ultimately affect
the well-being of my own partner did i want to hold on to the guilt of knowing that i would have
affected the life of another person just because i was incompetent to face my own truth at face value
lying was the easy option but i realized that over time lying actually became more difficult
and more troublesome as you build upon the stories on previous lives eventually i knew i'd
get tangled up in a web of lies that would affect my sense of reality on the other hand being honest
was super difficult at the start but as time went on honesty makes life easier to live with
because the stories you tell all come from a basis of authenticity so technically lying made it
easier to forget the truth but an authentic memory ultimately end up being much easier to recall
and i knew which option i much preferred number five flip the question how did you know
you were straight eventually i accepted my truth as a gay man and accepted the label that came with
it i started learning to be okay with calling myself gay and by sharing that with others
my understanding of what that meant eventually changed from shame to pride and then that's when
this question started adam how did you know you were gay there were many steps in the
process but what made it easier to understand and eventually formulate an answer was when
i broke down the differences and then used that as a retort how did you know you were
straight i guess the same question works both ways because it begs you to check in did society mold
you to accept being straight or did you just know yourself because for me although society thought
of me as straight i just knew inside of me that i was gay and as time went on i learned that the
more we get to talk about the labels of our lives the more we accept it as normal and the more we
get to accept it the more other people will too now before the end of this video i mentioned this
app called spectrum that's available on both apple and android devices spectrum is an app that helps
queer people find community by sharing community what this means is that by submitting a safe
queer space on the app other people who can use the app can learn about these safe spaces
and start building community through it whether it's a queer friendly restaurant or bar clinics
sporting venues or recreational centers if you're able to share your input in the app others will be
able to find it too and to be honest this is an app my sister co-developed after learning about
my story and the importance of finding a safe community its functions are amazing and lends
itself really well to spaces where queer friendly venues are scarce and hard to find i'd like to
prompt you to try it out for yourselves and see if it serves to help you build upon the safe
community everyone deserves it's free to download and use just look for this icon on the app store
so despite whatever journey you embark on i hope my story lends itself to help you consider the
potential outcome of your actions i personally couldn't live a life lying to people that i love
that guilt made me reconsider my life trajectory reassessed the value of intimacy and ultimately
taught me how to be pragmatic in my journey towards honesty obviously every circumstance
and story is different and you'll have to decide and evaluate your own outcomes but despite that i
believe in order to rid the world of prejudice it always starts with us and ultimately love always
prevails when we're able to be authentically honest before you click off if you're interested
to learn a bit more about my background as a gay man consider watching this video where i talk
about what it's like growing up gay in a country that criminalizes my sexuality and the lessons
i've learned along the way hit that like button stay well stay safe and see you next time you