FOR MORE, LET'S GO TO ANDERSON COOPER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
>> THANKS!
GOOD TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
>> I WAS AFRAID YOU WERE GOING TO GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE BRO HUGS
YOU GAVE YOUR BAND LEADER.
I DON'T DO WELL WITH THE BRO HUG.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> I FEEL THEY'RE AWKWARD.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S AWKWARD ABOUT A BRO HUG?
YOU TOUCH SHOULDERS WITH SOMEBODY.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> ON WHAT PLANET IS THAT AT ALL SATISFYING?
>> Stephen: WE'LL DO IT RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU DO THIS, AND THEN YOU GO LIKE THIS.
YOU DON'T SLAM.
WE'RE NOT FIGHTING.
>> THAT'S WHAT IT SEEMS -- >> IT CAN BE TENDER.
IT'S REALLY GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YOU SEE?
WE'RE ALWAYS SAYING, "HAVE A GOOD SHOW."
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW.
I'M NOT AFRAID TO HUG A MAN FULLY.
>> YOU'RE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR, BELIEVE ME.
>> Stephen: I'M GOOD WITH IT.
I'M VERY SECURE WITH MY MAN HUG.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: COME ON HERE AND ATTACK ME ON MY SHOW.
HOW DARE YOU!
HOW DARE YOU, ANDERSON COOPER!
YOU KNOW I'M A FAN.
YOU HURT ME.
>> WE'RE DRESSED ALMOST IDENTICALLY --
>> YOU HAVE PINSTRIPES.
>> I'M THE ELVIN VERSION OF YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE ELVIN VERSION OF ME.
NOW YOU HAVE REALLY HURT MY FEELINGS.
>> I'M LIKE THE PALE, WHITE, ELF.
>> Stephen: WHAT AM I, A HOBBIT.
YOU SEEM IMMORTAL.
YOU HAVE SLIGHTLY POINTED EARS, AND YOU ALSO KEEP YOUR OPINIONS
TO YOURSELF, VERY OFTEN.
>> LIKE AN ELF.
>> Stephen: LIKE AN ELF.
THEY DO NOT ASK AN ELF FOR ADVICE, BECAUSE SHE SHALL SAY
BOTH YES AND NO.
THAT'S YOU.
HOW DO YOU POSSIBLY-- I WATCH YOUR SHOW--
>> I LIKE THAT YOU THROW OFF ELFISH LORE.
DID YOU EVER PLAY "DUDGEONS AND DRAGONS?"
>> Stephen: YOU PLAYED "D.D."
I MET GARY GIDEX.
WE'RE GOING TO ALIENATE 99.9% OF THE PEOPLE OUT THERE RIGHT NOW.
>> BUT THE SHUT INFORM INS AT HOME ARE REALLY EXCITED.
>> Stephen: THE NECK BEARDS ARE GOING, "WHAT?"
I PLAYED "D.D." WHEN IT FIRST CAME OUT YOU HAD ONE CHARACTER?
>> FOR A LONG TIME.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER?
>> ACTUALLY, I HAVE AN ELVIN CHARACTER.
>> Stephen: ELVIN OR HALF-ELVIN.
ELVIN FEIF.
THAT'S GOOD.
BECAUSE ELVES HAVE EXTRA DEXTERITY.
YOU NEED THAT.
>> I'M TRYING TO RESIST PUSHING UP MY GLASSES WHILE TALKING
ABOUT THIS GLI HAD A MAGIC USER WHO WAS A VARIANT MAGIC USER
CALLED A WITCH, AND IT WAS A WOMAN.
I HAD A FEMALE CHARACTER-- DON'T YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING A BRO.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
LET'S GET BACK TO YOUR ELFISH NATURE, OKAY, BECAUSE YOU MANAGE
TO STAND THERE, JUST ABOUT EVERY NIGHT WITH THIS PANEL OF YOURS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHICH GOES, LIKE, CRAZY, REASONABLE, CRAZY,
REASONABLE, CRAZY, REASONABLE.
AND YOU DON'T LET ON TO US, THE VIEWERSES WHICH ONES YOU THINK
ARE ABSOLUTELY INSANE AND WHICH ONES ARE REASONABLE.
BUT ADMIT NOW, JUST ADMIT NOW, YOU THINK HALF OF THEM ARE
( BLEEP ) CRAZY.
>> NOT AT ALL.
I RESPECT ALL THEIR OPINIONS.
>> Stephen: NO, YOU DON'T.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU DO NOT RESPECT ALL THEIR
OPINIONS.
YOU RESPECT THAT THEY HAVE AN OPINION.
>> YES.
I LIKE-- I LIKE A PERSON WHOSE, YOU KNOW, WILLING TO HAVE AN
ACTUAL CONVERSATION.
IT DOES DRIVE ME BANANAS WHEN IT'S JUST SOMEBODY GIVING
TALKING POINTS, LIKE A CANDIDATE SURROGATE WHO JUST STICKS TO
TALKING POINTS YOU.
>> Stephen: KNOW CALEY McAMERICANY?
YES.
>> Stephen: SHE EARNS HER MONEY.
YOU CANNOT TALK HER OFF A TALKING POINT WITH A BATTERING
RAM.
>> SHE'S VERY SMART.
SHE JUST GRADUATED FROM HARVARD LAW SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: AM I SUPPOSED TO BE IMPRESSED BY THAT?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: SHE'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.
>> AND THE WHOLE GROUP IS GANGING UP ON HER AND SHE
DEFENDS DONALD TRUMP VERY WELL.
>> Stephen: VERY IMPRESSIVE.
WHY DO YOU LOOK SO RESTED BECAUSE YOU WORK HARDER THAN
ANYBODY I KNOW.
I MEAN, YOU-- >> NEWS NEVER TAKES A BREAK.
>> Stephen: YEAH, NEWS NEVER TAKES A BREAK.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: COULD THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT?
>> YES, I BUILT A HOUSE-- YOU KNOW, I BUILT A HOUSE IN BRAZIL,
IN A SMALL LITTLE FISHING VILLAGE, SO WHEN I GO SOMEWHERE
FOR VACATION, WHICH I RARELY DO, SO I ACTUALLY JUST GOT BACK FROM
BRAZIL.
I WAS THERE FOR A WEEK WITH MY NIECE AND 97 GLIEWZ DID YOU GO
TO THE OLYMPICS?
>> I DID NOT.
MY TOWN WAS WAY UP IN THE NORTH SO IT WAS TOO COMPLICATED.
THE NIECES AND 97 SUES ARE FOUR YEARS OLD TO 13 AND THEY ALL
WANTED TO WATCH THE OLYMPICS.
I DON'T HAVE A TV IN MY HOUSE -- >> YOU DON'T HAVE A TV?
>> IN BRAZIL, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SITTING WATCHING TV IN YOUR
HOME.
>> Stephen: YES, YOU DO.
S>> SO I GOT THIS TV INSTALLED FOR THE KIDS TO WATCH THE
OLYMPICS, WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW, WHATEVER TV I GOT, WHATEVER THE
CABLE NETWORK OR THE SATELLITE NETWORK IT WAS, YOU WOULD TURN
IT ON AND ON LIKE CHANNEL 220, 222, 223 WERE OLYMPIC CHANNELS.
THE CHANNELS YOU TURNED IT ON WERE RELIGIOUS CHANNELS,
EVANGELICALS AND PREACHERS, AND FIVE CHANNELS DOWN FROM THE
RELIGIOUS CHANNELS WERE FOUR HARD-CORE PORN CHANNELS.
AND LITERALLY THE KIDS WERE TURNING AROUND, AND I WOULD BE
SITTING THERE INCREDIBLY NERVOUSLY, YOU KNOW.
AND IT WAS SO CREEPY BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL, THEY WOULD TURN TO
A CHANNEL AND THE DIVIDE WOULD POP UP FIRST BEFORE THE ACTUAL
VISUAL POPPED UP.
AND IT WOULD BE AND NOW A VENTURA.
>> I DO NOT SPEAK SPANISH.
>> OR PORTUGUESE.
OBARE, IGATO ORGASMO.
>> Stephen: UNCLE ANDERSON, WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
>> I WOULD SEE THAT AND KNOW I HAD, LIKE, FIVE SECONDS TO GET
UP AND TURN OFF -- >> BUT YOU DO MAKE IT IN TIME TO
SAY, "KIDS, THAT'S CALLED GRECO-ROMAN WRESTLING."
>> THE OTHER THING THAT IS INFURIATING, I MISSED EVERY
MAJOR IMPORTANT EVENT.
LIKE MICHAEL PHELPS WAS ABOUT TO GO ON, AND THEY SHOWED THE
BRAZILIAN SWIMMER AND AS SOON AS HE WAS ELIMINATED, MICHAEL
PHELPS WOULD BE WALKING OUT AND THEY WOULD CUT AWAY TO A
BRAZILIAN PING-PONG MATCH WITH MONGOLIA.
I WATCHED EVERY BRAZILIAN EVENT AND THEY DID WELL IN SOME
EVENTS, JUDO, FLOOR GYMNASTICS AND OBVIOUSLY SO.
I MISSED EVERY IMPORTANT EVENT.
>> Stephen: WE DID VERY WELL.
>> I WATCHED IT ON THE REPLAYS.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BREAK.
YOU CAN STICK AROUND?
WE'LL TALK MORE ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDERSON COOPER.