Captioning sponsored by CBS
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
"STEPHEN!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHY IS EVERYTHING DIFFERENT?
WHY ARE YOU IN THE GUEST CHAIR?
WHY AREN'T YOU BEHIND THE DESK?" FIRST OF ALL, I'M GOING TO NEED
YOU TO BACK OFF, BECAUSE YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT WITH ALL THESE
QUESTIONS.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS ACTUALLY PRERECORDED.
I'M ACTUALLY STILL ON THANKSGIVING VACATION.
AS YOU WATCH THIS, I'M IN A BEAN BAG CHAIR, BINGE-LISTENING TO
TRUE-CRIME PODCASTS, WITH AN ENTIRE PUMPKIN PIE BALANCED ON
MY BULGING GUT.
AND I'M SPRAYING CANNED WHIPPED CREAM DIRECTLY INTO ONE OF THE
HOLES ON MY FACE.
I HOPE IT'S MY MOUTH.
BUT EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT HERE, TONIGHT IS STILL AN ALL-NEW
SHOW-- WITH A TWIST.
I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN THAT CHAIR INTERVIEWING CELEBRITIES
AND NEWSMAKERS AND AUTHORS IN THIS CHAIR FINDING OUT
EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM: WHAT THEY THINK, WHAT THEY FEEL,
WHAT THEY SMELL LIKE.
HUGH LAURIE?
FRESH-CUT GRASS.
BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO FLIP THE SCRIPT AND HAVE SOME OF
MY CELEBRITY FRIENDS OVER TO INTERVIEW ME FOR A CHANGE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
EVEN IN A SHOW THAT I PRERECORDED SO THAT I WOULDN'T
HAVE TO HOST A SHOW, I'M STILL NOT HOSTING THAT SHOW.
SO, SIT BACK AND RELAX.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW.
I THINK IN THE CARIBBEAN.
>> IT'S THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT, STEPHEN COLBERT
EDITION.
TONIGHT, STEPHEN IS IN THE HOT SEAT, HOSTED BY JON STEWART.
PLUS NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.
KERRY WASHINGTON.
JAKE TAPPER.
AND CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> HOW ARE YOU?
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> WELCOME!
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
HAVE A SEAT!
HOW ARE YOU?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, JON STEWART.
I HAVEN'T SAID THAT IN A WHILE.
WE'RE GOING TO GET RIGHT TO IT.
OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS THE HOST OF "THE LATE SHOW" ON CBS.
FOR NOW.
( LAUGHTER )
PEABODY AWARDS, AN AWARD FOR MOST OBEDIENT SUNDAY SCHOOL
STUDENT, AND HE GOT HIS START ON AN OBSCURE CABLE NETWORK.
PLEASE WELCOME TO THE PROGRAM, MR. STEPHEN COLBERT.
STEPHEN COLBERT!
WOW!
♪ ♪ ♪
WHAT A TREAT!
WHAT AN HONOR.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> STEPHEN COLBERT, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN!
PLEASE, SIT.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> STEPHEN COLBERT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> WOOO!
>> WOW.
I BELIEVE THAT'S YOUR WATER.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE THE YOU.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU AS WELL.
OBVIOUSLY, I HAVEN'T DONE THIS IN A WHILE SO I'M JUST GOING TO
START WITH WHAT'S ON THE CARD.
>> Stephen: I'M STRANGELY NERVOUS.
( LAUGHTER )
WHO THE (BLEEP) DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
THAT WAS -- >> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT-- A
LITTLE BIT LIKE JON STEWART.
I THINK I'M A LITTLE BIT LIKE JON STEWART.
>> LOOK HOW HALES AND HEARTY YOU LOOK, COMING IN HERE EVERY
NIGHT, TAKING IN THE TOXINS AND SPEWING BACK OUT RAINBOW-COLORED
SPRINKLES.
THAT'S YOUR JOB, AND YOU DO IT BEAUTIFULLY.
>> Stephen: IT AIN'T SPRINKLES.
>> IT'S SPRINKLES, BABY.
>> Stephen: BY THE WAY, THANK YOU FOR DRESSING UP.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
>> I DON'T HAVE MUCH SPAILS DOWN HERE.
AND I DON'T HAVE AN EXTENSIVE WARDROBE.
I JUST WEAR WHAT THE LEFT THE SHOW IN THREE YEARS AGO.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I HAVEN'T-- I HAVE ONLY BEEN INTERVIEWED ONCE
BEFORE BY YOU IN MY LIFE.
AND LAST TIME I WAS AL SHARPTON.
>> THAT IS CORRECT.
THE LAST TIME I INTERVIEWED AL SHARPT OFNS GOING TO BE ON "THE
DAILY SHOW," AND AT THE LAST MINUTE, HE DECIDED HE DIDN'T
FEEL LIKE IT.
I DON'T EVEN-- I DON'T EVEN THINK IT WAS, "I'M NOT FEELING
WELL."
I THINK IT WAS MORE, "I'M NOT COMING."
AND YOU STEPPED IN, AND I INTERVIEWED YOU WITH THE AL
SHARPTON QUESTIONS.
>> Stephen: I JUST ANSWERED ALL THE AL SHARPTON QUESTIONS.
THE PART YOU FORGET ABOUT IS I HAD A TICKET IN MY HAND, AND I
WAS WALK OUT OF "THE DAILY SHOW," BECAUSE TWO WEEKS BEFORE
IT WAS RELEASED WORLDWIDE I HAD A TICKET TO A PRESCENING OF "THE
FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING."
AND I PUT MY HAND ON THE DOOR TO LEAVE "THE DAILY SHOW."
AND I HEARD, "STEPHEN COLBERT, COME TO THE STUDIO.
STEPHEN COME TO THE STUDIO."
AND I SAID (BLEEP)!
AND YOU SAID, "YOU'RE AL SHARPTON?
I SAID, "GOT IT."
THAT WAS LITERALLY THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION.
>> AND THEN IT JUST RAN.
AND IT WAS SO BRILLIANT THAT AL SHARPTON'S ACTION NETWORK
ACTUALLY THEN ASKED STEPHEN TO TAKE OVER.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> WHICH I WAS -- >> Stephen: AND HERE I AM.
>> I WAS SHOCKED ABOUT.
VERY FEW PEOPLE KNOW, STEPHEN IS ON TELEVISION AND HE SHARES WITH
YOU EVERY NIGHT HIS THOUGHTS AND HIS FEELINGS AND DREAMS ABOUT
THIS COUNTRY AND HIS HOPES FOR THE FUTURE OF IT.
BUT WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW IS WHAT A DWOAPTED AND LOVELY FAMILY MAN
STEPHEN COLBERT IS.
AND I WANTED TO ASK YOU ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> WHICH CHILD DO YOU LOVE THE MOST?
( LAUGHTER )
INTERESTING-- BECAUSE I KNOW WHO I THINK IT IS.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> BUT I'D LOVE TO HEAR WHO YOU THINK.
>> Stephen: PROBABLY NATE.
>> THAT'S MY CHILD!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU GOT OUT OF THAT.
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION ABOUT DONALD TRUMP, IF I MAY.
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
>> DONALD TRUMP, GREAT PRESIDENT OR GREATEST PRESIDENT?
WHAT WOULD-- WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
I THINK GREAT, GREAT PRESIDENT.
THERE'S NOTHING ELSE OTHER THAN GREAT OR GREATEST?
>> JUST GREAT OR GREATEST.
I GOT THAT QUESTION OFF OF AN OLD-- THERE WAS A SHOW THAT USED
TO COME ON AFTER MINEUE WOULD HAVE LOVED IT.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
>> IT WAS HOSTED BY THIS HIGH-STATUS CONSERVATIVE IDIOT.
>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT I GO OUT TO DINNER, LAST NIGHT I GO
OUT TO DINNER WITH MY WIFE AND MY DAUGHTER, AND AS WE'RE
LEAVING THIS RESTAURANT, PEOPLE WERE VERY NICE.
THEY SAY, "I REALLY LIKE THE SHOW.
I REALLY LIKE THE SHOW."
THANKS VERY MUCH.
I'M TRYING TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY DAUGHTER, SHE'S GOING BACK OFF
TO-- SHE WORKS OUT OF TOWN.
SHE'S ABOUT TO LEAVE.
THIS GUY COMES UP AND SAYS, "I REALLY LIKE THE SHOW."
I SAID, "THANK YOU VERY MUCH."
HE SAID, "I LIKED THE OLD SHOW MORE, BUT STILL...
>> I LIKE YOUR OLD WORK A LITTLE BIT BETTER.
THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU GET THAT?
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE NEW WORK YET?
>> NO, I DON'T WORK.
GIDOOR TO DOOR DELIVER AGO.
>> Stephen: OH, REALLY?
>> I GO DOOR TO DOOR DELIVERING SATIRICAL NEWS.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE CANVASSING.
>> I JUST RING A DOORBELL-- I DON'T THINK DONALD TRUMP LIKES
THE JOB OF PRESIDENT.
BUT HE LIKES THE TRAPPINGS OF POWER.
I DON'T THINK HE LIEWKS THE, LIKE, WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME
ABOUT ENERGY POLICY?
JUST GET THE SHOT OF ME GOING ON TO THE HELICOPTER.
LOOKING LIKE -- >> Stephen: WHY ARE YOU ASKING
ME ANY QUESTIONS, YOU KNOW?
WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME TWO QUESTIONS?
ONE QUESTION'S OKAY.
TWO QUESTIONS, THEN YOU MIGHT MENTION THEY JUST LIED TO YOU.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> WHEN YOU MET HIM, BEFORE HE WAS PRESIDENT, AND HE WAS ON THE
SHOW-- HAD YOU MET HIM BEFORE?
>> Stephen: I HAD.
I HAD MET DONALD TRUMP BACKSTAGE AT FALLON.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS "LATE NIGHT" OR WHETHER IT WAS "THE
TONIGHT SHOW."
I WENT OVER THERE -- -->> WAS HE RUNNING FOR PRESIDEN
AT THE TIME.
>> Stephen: NO, HE WAS JUST A GUY.
>> MET HIM OUTSIDE OF THAT, DID THE BLUSTER SEEM CHARMING IN A
SORT OF "MUSIC MAN" KIND OF WAY?
>> Stephen: HE WASN'T BLUSTERING AT ALL.
"HEY, NICE TO MEET YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE SHOW."
>> HE'S GOT THAT GEAR?
>> Stephen: HE'S GOT THAT GEAR OF JUST SOME GUY YOU WOULD SEE
SOME PLACE, JUST LIKE A GUY.
AND HE WAS LIKE, "LET'S TAKE A PICTURE."
HE WAS ALL READY TO TAKE A PICTURE.
AND ORANGE LIKE YOU COULDN'T BELIEVE.
LIKE, IN PERSON-- YOU'VE MET HIM.
YOU'VE MET HIM.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU FAMOUSLY YOU GAVE HIM-- A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE
NICK NAMES FOR DONALD TRUMP, BUT YOU HAVE THE GREATEST NICKNAME
OF ALL TIME.
WOULD YOU CARE TO SHARE IT WITH THE AUDIENCE?
>> I REFER TO HIM AS (BLEEP) VON CLOWN STICK.
I'LL SAY THIS-- AFFECTIONATELY.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I KNOW I'LL BEING INTERVIEWED RIGHT NOW.
>> YYOU ARE.
>> Stephen: CAN I ASK YOU, DO YOU MISAT ALL HAVING A SHOW THAT
DEALS WITH THESE KINDS OF JOKES NOW THAT HE'S PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES?
LIKE, THAT WOULD BE NICE TO TAKE A COUPLE OF SWIPES HERE AND
THERE?
NO?
>> YOU AND I BOTH FAMOUSLY KNOW, WE WERE TURD MINERS.
WE TOILD IN THE TURD MINES.
>> Stephen: WE GREW UP INAP LECHE.
POOR APLATCHIAN TURD MINERS.
MY FAMILY, BACK IN THE OLD COUNTRY-- TURD MINING WAS A STEP
UP FOR THEM.
>> WE BOTH LOST MANY PEOPLE CLOSE TO US TO TURD LUNG.
IT'S BEEN A-- IT'S BEEN A TERRIBLE THING.
( LAUGHTER )
FELT AS THOUGH I WAS TOILING IN THE TURD MINES.
AND THEN I FINALLY QUIT, AND A GIANT TURD ASTEROID...
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, IN THAT INSTANCE, IF
SOMEONE SAID, "YOU WERE A TURD MINER.
THIS IS THE LARGEST TURD DEPOSIT EVER SEEN.
DON'T YOU WISH YOU WERE IN THERE?"
AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "I'M OUT OF THE TURD BUSINESS."
( LAUGHTER )
THE TURD'S FINE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> WE HAVE TO GO TO A COMMERCIAL, BUT STICK AROUND.
WHEN WE COME BACK, MORE STEPHEN COLBERT!
( APPLAUSE )