-New York City, baby!
[ Cheers and applause ]
My name is Mike. I'm in my 40s.
Some of you might be younger,
so I'll tell you what it's like to be in your 40s.
[ Laughter ]
Whether I lift weights or get drunk,
my body feels about the same the next day.
I'm just achy and sore,
questioning all of my life choices.
[ Laughter ]
My father gave me some very bad advice growing up,
but it's gonna sound like good advice when I say it.
But now that I'm in my 40s, I know it's bad.
This was the advice.
He said, "Michael, always give 100%."
He said, "You can't go wrong if you always give 100%."
That, my friends, is false.
[ Laughter ]
If you give 100% at all times,
you will end up in a mental institution.
[ Laughter ]
But you have to try sometimes.
So what I do now is, when I walk into a situation,
I check my cellphone.
Whatever percentage my battery is at...
[ Laughter and applause ]
...that's how much effort I give.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Tonight, they were like, "Mike, this crowd deserves 100%."
I said, "37% is what they're gonna get."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Unless somebody has a charger."
[ Laughter ]
I'm not married.
There's a lot of lies floating around out there about marriage.
One is that marriage is 50/50.
I find that to be not true at all.
The marriages that last are never 50/50.
The marriages that last are a combination
of two types of people.
One person who is boring...
[ Laughter ]
...with another person who is crazy.
[ Laughter ]
Boring and crazy is the only combination that seems to work.
I've done the math on this.
Two borings don't work.
They'll cheat on each other. Not enough excitement.
Two crazies don't work 'cause that's the show "Cops."
[ Laughter ]
Have you ever seen the show "Cops"?
I've been through a lot of breakups.
And when I break up with a woman, never pleasant.
I like to do it at a restaurant.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause I feel like it's a public place
and she will not cause a scene. [ Laughter ]
But can I share a secret with you guys?
The women of today will yell at you right in a restaurant.
[ Laughter ]
So you know what I do?
I take her to a Chinese restaurant.
[ Laughter ]
That way if she yells at me,
it just seems like she's working at the restaurant.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'm trying to stay in shape.
I started doing hot yoga last spring.
And one of the benefits of doing hot yoga in New York
is that you get to carry a small mat around the city with you.
And I like that, 'cause my friends are dumb.
They're like, "Are you doing yoga?"
I'm like, "This? No.
I like to engage people
in tiny wrestling matches all over town."
[ Laughter ]
That's how I work out now.
I start a confrontation. I roll out the mat.
[ Laughter ]
I wave on the challenge. I'm like, "Bring it, dawg!
Let's solve it in this 2 by 1 by 2 by 1-inch space
that I carry around with me for aggressive reasons."
[ Laughter ]
I complain about hot yoga being too hot.
I'm one of those guys.
My friends are like,
"Mike, why don't you just go to regular yoga?"
I'm like, "No, I like hot yoga.
I like hot yoga because you're sweating so much,
no one can tell that you're crying."
[ Laughter ]
They're like, "Mike, are you chanting?"
I'm like, "I am weeping."
[ Laughter ]
I told the instructor it was too hot.
It's supposed to be 90 minutes, 105 degrees,
but it feels like 140.
That's what I said.
She said, "The seasons are changing.
We kind of have to adjust to the seasons."
I'm like, "Do you know how buildings work?"
[ Laughter ]
"You control the weather on the inside of a building.
That's why it's different from the outside of a building.
Otherwise, we would not need buildings.
We would just do everything outside."
[ Laughter ]
She's like, "But don't you feel better after it's over?"
I'm like, "I feel better the way that someone feels better
after they've survived a car accident."
[ Laughter ]
"I feel better that I'm alive.
But I don't feel better than if I never would have come here."
[ Laughter ]
She's like, "But you're losing weight.
Aren't you happy that you're losing weight?"
I'm like, "Am I losing weight?
I don't feel like I'm losing weight.
I feel like I'm evaporating."
[ Laughter ]
"Feel like that's happening.
I feel like there's a cloud outside
that looks exactly like me.
Fat, white, and sad."
[ Laughter ]
You guys are amazing. Thank you so much!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-How's it going, dude? -It's good.
-Mike Vecchione!
[ Cheers and applause ]
For more, visit mikevecchione.com.