Dear Diary - It has occurred to me today that my dearest human has never sniffed my backside
I must bond with him in different ways
Like my father always used to say, if you want someone to look you in the eye make sure that your mouth smells exactly like your butt
It's difficult to argue with that logic
and so I have eaten some rotting earthworms in preparation for my dear human's return, as well as one of his socks.
Dear Diary - it's not so much that I miss my testicles, I know it's a right of passage in our pack
and I'm sure that my dearest human has had his removed as well
but when that one bulldog comes to the dog park and parades his testicles around I can't help but notice how Ginger looks at them
I love Ginger.
to be fair I will admit he has a fine smelling butthole
Dear Diary-- the cat is a curious magical creature
It's as if a teddybear mated with a cactus and it's much less fun to play with then it would appear
and yet it poops delicious candy into a box of pee flavored sprinkles
Dearest human guards these treats jealously, often harvesting them into a barrel, but I will admit that I sneak one from time to time
They are delicious, forgive me.
Dear Diary-- this is the 733rd day that I have tried to test what cat swore to me was true
namely, that if you hump anything long enough you will find a vagina
so far the results have been mixed, my dearest human's leg vagina has not revealed itself, however
I'm almost certain that I felt something on the brown teddy bear
more tests are needed
Dear Diary-- I have yet to see my dearest human poop anywhere, I suspect he may not know how
I have resolved to teach him when we patrol the neighborhood each day in search of man with hats and beards
It is embarrassing to do in public but he must learn somehow, I fear he will die of constipation If don't succeed
fortunately my dearest human seems to show some interest and is now collecting my feces in a small bag. Soon.
Dear Diary, I must be more careful when licking my genitals
my dearest human seems sensitive about it, most likely because he is incapable of licking his own
as always I am in awe of his ability to be so noble
despite what I can imagine are filthy, filthy genitals. He hides them everyday.
Dear Diary, today I have added a fourth circle to my pre-pooping ritual.
As before the first circle is to verify that I do in fact need to poop
the second is to check for gremlins and men with beards and hats
the third is to re-verify my need for pooping, and now the fourth is to honor my newly deceased toy
stuffed lama rest in peace, I didn't mean to shake your head off.
Dear Diary, I told the cat about how my dearest human has promoted me, teaching me to shake
so I can participate in his business dealings
however, cat pointed out that I am often unaware of what I am shaking on
for example, when I shook the neighbors hand this morning, I have no clue what I agreed to, none.
Cat says this is how the devil buys souls, I will pee on the bed for comfort.
Dear Diary, my dearest human asked me where the ball was when it was clearly in plain sight
I brought it over and he threw it even farther away
then asked me where it was and was very happy when I brought it again
perhaps a metaphor?
Dearest human leaves each day and I am happy when he returns
wait, maybe he is the ball and I am dearest human
this is too much, I must pee on the bed.