-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it.
Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, of course everyone is talking today about this.
Yesterday, the FBI showed up unannounced
and searched former president Trump's Mar-A-Lago home
for classified documents that he might have taken
when he left office. [ Light laughter ]
Yep. All the guests there were like, "Wow, dinner and a show.
Oh, my gosh." [ Laughter ]
Yeah, you know that you've done some shady stuff when the FBI
shows up and you're like, "And which investigation
is this regarding?" [ Laughter ]
"Oh, right this way. Right this way."
I'm starting to think Trump's not really a billionaire,
'cause if he were, he'd have blasted off to space by now.
Don't you think? He's like, "Take care, suckers."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, all day long, Trump was going crazy over the search,
while President Biden was at home like, "Best week ever."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"It's not bad."
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Had a pretty great week."
Actually, Trump supporters
think Biden knew about the raid beforehand.
But the White House said that he didn't.
Biden can't win with Trump supporters.
One day, he's completely senile, the next, he knows everything.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Trump was pretty upset about the search,
and he put out a statement that said,
"They even broke into my safe."
[ Laughter ]
"They even broke into my safe."
[ Laughter ]
Trump was like, "Damn it! I knew we should've
flushed that safe down the toilet.
I knew it!" [ Laughter ]
If it turns out Trump did steal classified documents,
he could be disqualified
from running for President ever again.
I mean, I --
[ Cheers and applause ]
I wonder who would've given them the combination to his safe.
I mean, it could be...
[ Laughter ]
...anyone. It could be anyone.
But may -- [ Laughter ]
Maybe one day we'll know who did it.
You know, I don't understand. But this -- this is a big deal.
News of the FBI search not only set off a political firestorm
but also enraged Trump's base.
Although, to put it in context,
the green M&M not being sexy anymore also enraged his base.
Do you remember that? [ Laughter ]
Yep, things are really heated in the aftermath of the Trump raid.
In fact, last night, in response to Attorney General
Merrick Garland's authorizing the operation,
House GOP leader Kevin McCarthy tweeted at Garland to, quote,
"Preserve your documents and clear your calendar."
[ Audience "Oohs" ] Wow. Strong words.
Well, Garland actually shot back with a tweet of his own, saying,
"My office has nothing to hide.
I think it is you who needs to clear your calendar, sir."
[ Laughter and applause ]
To which McCarthy replied, "Actually, to be honest,
my calendar's pretty clear already.
I gotta admit, not a lot goin' on lately."
Shrug emoji. [ Laughter ]
To which Garland replied, "OMG, I know, right?
The vibes are kinda off this summer, for real!"
To which McCarthy replied, "Totally, totally, totally.
It's like, um, it's August, and I haven't even been invited
to a pool yet, my dude." [ Laughter ]
To which Garland replied, "Tell you what.
Let's meet up over some margs
and go over those documents together, brah."
To which McCarthy replied, "No cap?"
[ Laughter ]
To which Garland replied, "All gucci, fam.
I'll have the FBI lowkey kick down your door with the deets."
And that's -- yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
It's all -- they'll figure it all out.
[ Applause ]
But I think Trump knows how serious this is
because I saw that he has been
searching for criminal-defense attorneys in case he's indicted.
It's tough, because all of Trump's usual attorneys
are on trial themselves, so... [ Laughter ]
Trump is now franticly searching for a, quote,
"killer" criminal-defense attorney.
It's not good when you suddenly go from, "I'm totally innocent,"
to, "I'm gonna need a killer lawyer."
[ Laughter ]
Some business news -- I read that Ferrari is recalling
nearly every car it has sold since 2005
over possible brake failure.
So, if you're still wondering, Ford won.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, thousands of men were like, "That was close.
My midlife crisis was almost an end-of-life crisis."
[ Laughter ]
Well, get this -- after seven years,
Domino's pizza has permanently closed
all of its locations in Italy.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously? I'd expect a Domino's in Italy
to be out of business in 30 minutes or less.
Hey! [ Laughter ]
[ Rimshot ]
[ Applause ]
Some more business news -- a new lawsuit alleges
that Starbucks Refresher drinks
do not contain the fruits that they're named after.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-Well, Starbucks has already responded to the lawsuit
with a brand-new ad. Take a look at this.
-We here at Starbucks have been accused of not having real fruit
in some of our beverages.
To which we say, "Uh, yeah, we're Starbucks."
We can barely keep a milk station clean for three minutes.
So, if you're under the impression we have some kind of
farmer's market back here, that's on you.
Our egg-salad sandwich, by the way,
we can neither confirm that that is egg nor salad.
Because at Starbucks, we're not farm to table,
we're train to 10 minutes late for work.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Don't even ask.
[ Laughter ]
Don't even ask.
"Is this organic pumpkin?" -"Mm!"
-Guys, listen to this -- apparently due to
record-high inflation,
more shoppers are buying used yoga pants.
[ Audience groans ]
A lot of people said, "That's gross,"
and then went back to reusing sweaty yoga mats at the gym.
[ Laughter ]
Well, last night there was a new episode of "The Bachelorette,"
and it got intense.
The show can get pretty emotional,
so I thought we could help.
Here is that moment revoiced
with the least emotional person we know, Siri.
This is "Let's Get Siri-ous."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I can't go today. -Okay.
-And I'm going to have to, like, step away from --
from pursuing things with you.
-If that's where your heart is, like...
I -- I appreciate you telling me.
I just wish it would've been earlier.
-Of course, the first thing I think
when this first popped into my head, was like,
"You're crazy. Like, look at Rachel,
look at who she is."
-You don't have to explain that.
You don't have to keep going. I got it.
You know, I'm not trying to be mean.
I just -- I get it. -Okay.
-Obviously, this is tough to hear, and no one really wants
to hear this, so...
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]
Thank you. -Yeah.
-There you go. Wow. Emotional.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." -Oh, my. "Yeah, yeah."
-Well, did you guys see this? A blood donation center
here in New York is offering beer in exchange for blood.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Which backfired when people started showing up
with blood that wasn't theirs.
They're like, "Hey, a deal's a deal."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, it is Tuesday, guys.
It is time for "WeTweet."
Here we go!
-♪ WeTweet ♪
♪♪
♪ WeTweet ♪
-Welcome to "WeTweet."
This is where we, as a group,
decide something that we should post on Twitter.
I'm gonna show you five different tweets,
and we're all gonna vote on
whether you like each one or not.
You all have voting clickers at your seats.
Yeah, I see you grabbed them already.
Perfect. You can vote for all of them.
You can vote for none of them, as long as you have fun.
I mean, that's what it's all about, really.
We're gonna see the results live, so I can tell
who's really playing the game and who's not.
Higgins, Roots, you all have your clickers?
-Got it, got it. -Oh, yeah.
-Tariq, you've been pretty good. -I have been --
Well, I've been damn good. -Yeah.
I'd say you're in the 90 percentile.
-Yeah, man. -Higgins, I put you in the
maybe 70 percentile. -Sure.
[ Laughter ]
But, I mean, you could up your game tonight.
-I'm going to. I'm gonna get 100% of this one.
-All right, here we go. -Whoa.
-Yes! -Whatever tweet gets
the most likes, we're gonna tweet it out live on the show,
so that you can all like it, and we can WeTweet it.
-Oh. [ Cheers ]
-It's a shared experience. You guys ready for this?
The first tweet is...
[ Light laughter ]
-Ooh. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
I think we all know the answer to that one.
♪♪
-I mean, there's a lot of discussion.
There's discussion.
I'm gonna give it thumbs up just 'cause why not.
-You'll only get two. -Well, you know it's not working
when you have to ask your tailor to get, "Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I need a little extension on the Fitbit."
So, yeah. -No, let out your Fitbit.
-That's correct. -You're giving a thumbs up?
-Absolutely, I am. -A pity thumbs up.
-That makes one. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -You think it's --
You think it's a landslide?
-Ahmir gave it a thumbs up, too, so I think two.
-Yeah, 'cause he's a -- he's a caring, giving dude.
-Yeah, not a landslide.
-I'm gonna say less than 50 people.
-Yeah. The opposite of a landslide.
-Yeah. -Mudslide.
[ Laughter ]
-That's technically a landslide. -That's basically a landslide.
-It's not mud, though. -No, it's not.
Okay. You're thinking really bad.
Under 50? -Yes.
-All right, let's see the results.
Votes are in.
-Whoo! [ Sad tuba ]
[ Audience "Oohs" ] Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Another one! -Tough audience.
Tough audience. Tough audience.
They're, like, really making decisions.
Again, these, yeah, okay, vote on things for fun, too.
Yeah, okay. [ Laughter ]
All right. So, that one's not --
we're not gonna wetweet that. -Right.
Let out your Fitbit? It has a strap on it.
-There you go, yeah. [ Laughter ]
-You don't need to let it out.
It's already adjustable. You know what I mean?
-Yep. -What's that?
-Like, I went to the tailor, said, "Can you let out my belt?"
-Yeah. -No, it doesn't work,
because my belt is -- it's adjustable with a strap.
-The results are already in. You're not -- there's no --
-I'm just saying. All right.
I don't want to beat a dead horse.
I'm sorry. You know what?
Yeah, my fault. I'm bad.
Go.
-You don't want to beat a dead horse?
-No, I don't. But...
-But seriously, though. [ Laughter ]
After the show, if... -Yeah, but, you know,
while we're here... "Let out my Fitbit."
Okay. And also, you don't go
to a tailor for a Fit-- [ Laughter ]
-Never mind, never mind. -No, I do.
-Right, sure. -I do.
-Yeah. Yeah, sure, you do.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-That's right. I go talk to my tailor every day.
[ Laughter ]
-Your solid-gold Fitbit band. [ Laughter ]
-We make jokes. -Yeah, it's diamond encrusted.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-We make jokes, yeah.
-You and your tailor chat.
-All right, here we go.
So you don't have to vote for that one.
But here's the other ones.
[ Laughter ]
Okay. How about this one here?
[ Light laughter ]
♪♪
-[ Laughing ]
-No.
-This is gonna be the opposite of last week.
-Dude, I think all these are yours this week, Jimmy.
-No, no. What you do mean all of these are mine this week?
[ Laughter ]
"You're putting in werk." -How did you write these?
-W-E-R-K. -Yeah, "werk."
-Werk. -Like Luke.
-Yep, I think this one's gonna be up past at least 40.
-It might be 43. -I'm gonna say it's like 50%.
50/50 on this one. Let's see this results.
-50 perc--
Whoa! -Oh, man!
♪♪
It's a lot of werk.
Glasses, mask -- a lot of werk.
Too much werk for the ears.
I like that one. Not bad.
All right, next one here says...
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
♪♪
-[ Laughs ] -Yeah.
-It's hard writing jokes. -Yeah, it really is.
I don't feel good about this. Let's see the results.
-Oh, my goodness! -I love you guys.
I love you guys. You're playing the game.
All right. How about --
How about this next one here?
I think you might like this next one. Ready?
[ Laughter ]
-That's a good one.
♪♪
-Some people are dancing to this one.
Some people are dancing to this one.
This one feels promising. -Yeah, this was really good.
-I feel like everyone came in together.
-Yeah. -They united on this one.
We just united the States of America right now...
-Yeah. -...on this tweet.
Let's see the results.
Oh!
[ Cheers and applause ] -Whoo-hoo-hoo!
-All right, here's the last one. Here it says...
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-I'm gonna give that a yes, too.
-I think -- -I love that one.
-I think that's the winner.
I think that is the actual winner.
-You think that's the winner more so than chickpeas?
-I said it after we all voted. -All right.
-I did not influence the vote.
I just got -- Someone just did this to me.
-Wow. [ Laughter ]
-I do not agree.
I think it's gonna be almost a landslide.
-What was the last one? What was the last one?
-What was the last one? 160 something?
-182. -182.
-182. -Wow.
-I'm gonna say this is 1-- 1-- 190.
-Ooh. Let's see it.
-Okay. -Wow.
-1-9-0.
-Let's see the results.
Oh! -Oh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-It only takes one! That's what I'm talking about!
Yeah!
Very nice.
I'm gonna post this during the commercial break.
If you see it on your feed, give it a like,
give it a wetweet, and enjoy.