-Hi, everybody, welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show"! Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you so much for being here, thank you for watching.
Now let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, everybody is talking about this.
On Sunday, President Trump announced over Twitter
that Rudy Giuliani tested positive for coronavirus.
When the news broke, the coronavirus was like,
"Damn it! I knew I should have worn a mask!"
[ Laughter ]
I hope Rudy's okay.
When they did his nasal swab, it came out black.
[ Laughter ]
Apparently, the doctor asked,
"When did you start feeling a little off?"
And Rudy said, "Right around 2009-ish."
[ Laughter ]
It keeps getting worse for Rudy.
After his test showed he had COVID,
he challenged the results in court and lost.
[ Laughter ]
Rudy was like, "How could this happen?
All I did was travel around maskless
and use whatever I found laying around to wipe my face."
[ Laughter ]
At first, it was hard to tell that Rudy had COVID
'cause he always looked like he had a 102-degree fever.
[ Laughter ]
Well, the good news is, Giuliani already tweeted
that he is getting great care and feeling good.
Yep, nurses have been giving him I.V. fluids,
which Rudy promptly sprays out of his face
like a lawn sprinkler.
[ Laughter ]
I hope Rudy's getting good care,
because if he picks medical experts
like he picks legal experts, his doctor is gonna be
some random guy he found at an Applebee's happy hour.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Rudy says he's feeling good and will be back
to embarrassing himself on camera in no time.
-Hang on! Wait a minute. Did you say Giuliani got COVID?
-Yeah. Yeah, that's what I've been saying.
-Giuliani Bingo!
-No way! You got Giuliani Bingo?
-Yeah, man. Giuliani Bingo.
-All right. Let's double-check your card.
You got Giuliani testing positive for COVID.
What else? -Well, I've got
"Audibly farted during a hearing."
-They didn't bother to interview a single witness.
[ Farts ]
-Oh, well, I have...
"Brought a lady to court who seemed to be drunk."
-The poll bo-- The poll book is completely off.
-I have "Wiped his face with a rag
that he just blew his nose into."
-That is true.
[ Laughter ]
-And, finally, "Hair dye melted off his face."
Giuliani Bingo, man.
-Yeah. You won. Tariq, you've got one Giuliani Bingo!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Your prize is a $25 gift card
to Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Congrats.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Meanwhile, all eyes are on Georgia
and its two Senate runoffs.
On Saturday, Trump held a rally
for the state's Republican Senators,
but he mostly talked about himself.
Here he is complaining about his own election results.
-We're all victims. Everybody here,
all these thousands of people here tonight,
they're all victims. Every one of you.
-Yeah. And judging by the number of masks I saw in the crowd,
he's right. [ Laughter ]
Even Rudy Giuliani saw that and said, "You fools!"
[ Laughter ]
"You fools!"
[ Laughter ]
But in the end, Trump knows there's a lot on the line
in Georgia, so he made sure to deliver a compelling
closing argument for the Republican candidates.
Watch.
♪♪
-Blueberries, peppers, squash, and cucumbers.
Who does cucumbers around here?
'Cause I like cucumbers! I'm the only one.
I like cucumbers.
♪♪
[ Applause ]
-Well, last night, there was supposed to be
a debate for Georgia's runoff between Democrat John Ossoff
and Republican David Perdue,
but Perdue didn't show up, so look what happened.
-Democrat John Ossoff. He is CEO of Insight TWI,
a media production company that investigates corruption,
organized crime, and war crimes
for international news organizations.
Republican David Perdue
has served in the U.S. Senate since 2015.
Senator Perdue declined to participate in this debate
and is represented by an empty podium.
[ Laughter ]
-Afterward, the podium was kicking itself,
was like, "I blew it. I totally froze.
I just..." [ Laughter ]
Yeah, it was a rough night for the podium.
Halfway through the debate, a fly landed on it.
[ Laughter ] Unbelievable, unbelievable.
Meanwhile, today, at the White House,
Trump gave the Medal of Freedom
to a legendary wrestling coach from Iowa.
But listen to what he said at the ceremony.
-He won 117 consecutive matches and lost only one.
Well, you know, in politics, I won two, so I'm 2-0,
and that's pretty good, too.
But we'll see how that turns out.
[ Laughter ]
-At that point, Trump took back the Medal of Freedom
and gave it to himself.
"I'm undefeated, and you're not, so..."
Trump's 2-0 claim would've been more convincing
if half the people in that room weren't moving guys.
"All right. We gotta get this thing.
You want to go diagonal with this through the door?
Yeah." [ Laughter ]
Here's some music news -- Bob Dylan just sold
his entire songwriting catalog to Universal
in a giant, record-breaking deal.
I'm thrilled for Bob Dylan, but if I see
"Blowin' in the Wind" in a Gas-X commercial,
I'm gonna freak out. [ Laughter ]
No.
That's right. Bob Dylan just sold his entire
music catalog for over an estimated $300 million.
It's one of the biggest music publishing deals ever.
And this is real -- here now, on the phone,
to talk about this enormous deal is Bob Dylan himself.
Bob, are you there?
-[ Speaking indistinctly ]
Okay. Well, how do you feel about this record-breaking deal?
-[ Speaking indistinctly ]
-I see, I see. And how do you plan
to spend all of that money?
-[ Speaking indistinctly ]
...PlayStation 5.
-Uh-huh. That's really great.
Well, I know you're hoping to debut a new song here tonight.
So, please, take it away, whenever you're ready.
-One, two...
[ Singing indistinctly ]
♪♪
♪ PlayStation 5 ♪
-That's right. Oh, beautiful.
Bob Dylan, everybody!
Can't believe he took the time --
I can't believe he took the time to call us
and to do an impersonation of himself from 50 years ago.
-[ Speaking indistinctly ]
-Thank you, Bob. [ Laughter ]
-Well, guys, Christmas is just a few weeks away,
and I saw that the world's first ever commercially printed
Christmas card is on sale for $25,000.
Yeah, even back then, the first person to get a Christmas card
was like, "Wow. He gained a lot of weight this year."
[ Laughter ]
Here's a big sports story. The New York Jets
are still looking for their first win of the season.
And yesterday, they were up by 4
with about 10 seconds left in the game.
All they had to do was not give up a touchdown.
Let's see how it went.
-Jets coming.
Carr puts some air under it.
Wide open is Ruggs for the touchdown!
[ Laughter ]
-The Jets are always out-Jetting themselves.
[ Laughter ]
They're basically the NFL's version of Rudy Giuliani.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, every day, we learn a little more
about the coronavirus, and now a doctor is warning
that COVID could actually cause erectile dysfunction.
So between their COVID vaccine and Viagra,
Pfizer's about to make it rain.
We have exactly 10 shows left before we go on Christmas break,
which means it's time for that beloved
"Tonight Show" tradition.
It's time for 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters!
Here we go!
♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters ♪
♪ 10 todays left ♪
-That's right. Every show between now and Christmas
we'll be giving one lucky audience member
an exquisite Christmas sweater
from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.
Now, since there are 10 shows left,
let's open door number 10.
Go for it.
Oh, yeah. Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, la, la!
Couple gingerbread men.
Look at that.
Oh. Wow! Wow. There are gloves.
Looks like the gloves are attached.
Are there gl-- There are gloves attached.
Wow. And let's see the back just to check out the, uh...
Yep, yep. Secret wreath, not quite in the middle,
off to the side a little bit, kind of keeps you guessing.
All right, everybody.
Let's see who's gonna go home with tonight's sweater.
Everyone, look at your seat number.
If I call your number, come on down.
Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?
[ Drumroll ]
Here we go.
Number 260!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Come on down, bud!
♪♪
-Hello!
Hello. What is your name and where are you from?
-Ethan. I'm from New Jersey.
-Hey! New Jersey in the house!
[ Cheers and applause ]
It does get a little brisk in New Jersey this time of year.
Do you have anything like this type of sweater?
-Uh, not really. [ Laughter ]
-Not really. Would you mind trying it on for us?
-Sure. -Roots, could we get some
trying-on music?
♪♪
Thank you very much.
Yeah, make sure you get the fingers there.
[ Laughter ]
It's not something you want to put on if you're in a rush.
You know, you want to take your time with this one.
Man, it feels warm already. Yep.
Little tricky, but that's half the fun of it.
Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh. Oh, look at this.
[ Cheers and applause ] Look at that.
Turn around. Let's see the full --
Yeah! Looks like a tassel.
[ Laughs ]
Looks like you got, like, a rattail in the back.
I think it's pretty awesome.
That's what I'm talking about. That's our winner right there.
That's our audience member. We love you.
Thank you again to our lucky audience member.
Stick around. We'll be right back
with more "Tonight Show," everybody.
Come on back.
♪♪