also how you're talking about kind of breaking the loop in your behavior like
oh I want to make a change to that one thing you know to break glue and then
you start with something small and then it ends up affecting more thing
and you mentioned sometimes it's hard because you don't get Pat's on the back
for those little things you know yeah well they're often so small the rest
humiliating that you even have to do that yeah yeah but in a lot of time like
to yourself it's like kind of big like Oh like oh I'm gonna drink eight glasses
of water a day now you know and then it's almost like you're seeking that pat
on the back like you want to tell your friend like eh I drink eight eight
glasses of water now and they're just like yeah so yeah right and you're like
why do I party you and of like why do I even do it then if no one's gonna care
you know well you know there's a lesson to be drawn from that too in terms of
relationships that's really useful psychologically is and this is a big
mistake that people won't make it's like if you want to have a good long-term
relationship with someone then you watch them constantly and when they do
something that you like you let them know yeah even if it's a small thing
yeah because they're way more likely to do it again you know and so sometimes a
personal have kind of an inkling about what they might do that's good or that
would be good for you relate their relationship with you or that might even
just be pleasing to you but they won't say anything
they're like afraid because maybe they won't get attention for it and but then
they do it and you notice it's like man that's super powerful like you have to
be really attentive though because the good things that people do don't stand
out the mistakes they make a stand out and then you say well you may have a
steak it's like yeah yeah but to to watch and to reward someone for doing
something small right that's that's a step in the right direction
yeah he's a killer strategy I found that to be true with my daughter she's four
and a half now oh yeah some kids really like some kids are tough and they don't
respond to punishment at all yeah you just can't you can't you can't you can't
intimidate them my daughter if I just pointed at her she would stop huh but my
son it was like that was just round one it just laughs he just laughs and run
away yeah so but he responded to reward like mad if I watched him and he did
something that was good and I told him that it was like he was just yeah
yes so Dan that's good yeah yeah it's reward is harder to use but it's more
effective if you come a tidge it yeah and then that's not like kind of how you
say where you're like be careful with the reward when you give like too much
reward for these small things you know and then they can think that's problem
with the self-esteem movement you know oh yeah every every kid gets a trophy
day ya know it's like inflating the currency if everything is good then
nothing is good because their house there has to be a distinction so yeah
you want to watch and you want to see when the person's made an effort and you
want to see when they've gone beyond the call of duty and then you want to say
hey I noticed that that was really good yeah and yeah and it is scarcity really
matters in those situations cuz otherwise it just turns into noise yeah
yeah yeah patronizing noise even which is even worse it's like oh you're doing
well really well it's like leave me alone yeah yeah it's such a lie yeah I
have a fun time with that actually I'll put like um
if I have to judge and go all through my kids lives if I had to judge them and
their friends and I have three daughters in one son usually it was the daughters
I was being some kind of a judge I'm gonna judge the dance I'm gonna judge
the little play that they put together I'm gonna judge the acrobatic routine
that they're doing in the backyard and I always be judging these things and I
would have so much fun because I would say they do their little performance
their 1 minute performance and they come out table how was it and I'd say okay
first of all presentation overall I'm giving you a four point two I didn't see
one smile until you actually got on stage that's wrong and I would just go
through and give them this really strong critiquing words yeah and and they loved
it yeah they loved it damn shit mad they would be happy to didn't it go try it
again try the raise that four point three to a four point five
maybe smiles like you could see them a mile away oh yeah yeah yeah I just got
that I was at a pool party with a bunch of little kids running around and I
ended up judging the diving competitions and all the parents were watching and
and they were a gas at what I was doing yeah that wasn't my
house by the way oh I did it there - no I do it all the way this is what I did
it at your house - right yeah you've seen it in action yeah I give the kids a
little nicknames and then and then I say you know you were completely unbalanced
when you left the board it was almost embarrassing for me to watch you go try
it again I'm giving you a two point - yeah go try it again and see if you can
bump that up a little bit yeah and the kids get almost up there now yeah yeah
but - do you have treated them like someone who could improve right so
that's a big deal that's that's better than that's better than a pat on the
back it's like because everyone's flawed and everyone needs to improve well so
when my kids were little I taught them how to speak in public it took about an
hour that was it so I have them they had to read something you know and so they'd
read it and I was across the room and say well that that's not loud enough
it's like I can't hear you it's like belted out and they get a little louder
it said no no no that is what I mean read it way louder than you think you
should and so they did that I said that's about right because there's
nothing more appalling than listening to some speaker that you can't hear it's
like there's just no excuse for that then like make it clearer put some
passion into it you know and it was was unbelievable how quickly they would pick
that up you know and and that also made me sad because because it took so little
time to get them to do that and then they had it you know and so and that
that like a critic is your best friend if the critic isn't destructive because
if what a critic does is say look you did ten things and like these five
things you need some work on those they're not good and here's some things
you could do that would make them better and here's two things that you got
alright and here's three things that you did pretty well at and so then well
what's the message the message is hey you can handle some actual criticism so
you're not some little you know useless wimpy thing that's gonna die just
because someone isn't telling you that you're already wonderful plus you're not
already what not nearly as wonderful as you could get so let's keep that in mind
and then you know you lay out a pathway for improvement
and then you treat the kid with some respect and and you also show that being
an adult means that you know more than being a kid because you know the kid
does something you say oh that was really good it's like what are you
saying well as an adult I don't know any better than you do
and that's pretty dismal message because the kid is going to be an adult for a
very long time and one of the things we do really badly in our culture is model
why being an adult is better than being a child because it is better you have
freedom and you have responsibility and you have autonomy and so we're always so
concerned about making our kids feel good about themselves it's like they
should be feel good about becoming responsible adults because they're gonna
be adults for like 80 years and they're gonna be kids for like 20 years so the
adults the goal