- I just want excitement.
I wanna be a good person, I wanna be a good adult.
I have a solid life, but I also want passion
and unpredictability.
You know not like Jodi Arias level,
but like fun. (audience laughs)
Are you guys following that?
The Jodi Arias?
(audience claps and cheers)
(audience laughs)
Cool, me too.
Me too, how crazy we have that in common.
(laughs)
No, it's an interesting one, right?
First of all, it's like she's a woman,
and murder's mostly a man's game.
So it's like she kinda broke a glass ceiling.
(audience laughs)
In a way it's like, I don't know.
Feminism is so complicated.
(audience laughs)
But it's an interesting case, because allegedly
she stabbed him a bunch, it's her ex-boyfriend,
she stabbed him a bunch of times,
then she slit his throat from ear-to-ear,
then she shot him.
It's like, pick a thing, you know.
(audience laughs)
In that regard she really was like a typical girl,
where she's like, "I can't decide!"
(audience laughs)
I'll have all the desserts.
(audience laughs)
Well congratulations guys on you all just comin' out
of your houses tonight, that's so hard to do, isn't it?
(audience laughs and cheers)
So hard.
I hate leaving my house.
I'm always amazed when people do it.
Like I'm happiest when I'm just on my couch,
under my blankets, just all cozied up
with just my laptop, and my iPhone, and my iPad,
and my pee jars everywhere.
(audience laughs)
Just playin' bongos on my pee jars.
(audience laughs)
Happy as a clam in my little kingdom.
Do you ever do one chore, and then celebrate
that for 10 years?
(audience laughs)
Or you hear, you have a pile of dirty dishes
in the sink in the next room, and you hear water,
one drop drop into it?
And you're like, "I know!"
(audience laughs)
That's my kinda household, but I love it.
You know, sometimes I feel like if these walls
could talk, they'd be like, "Bitch, you're back
"in bed again?"
(audience laughs)
I'd be like, "Shut up walls!
"You're boring, too!"
(audience laughs)
(Chelsea laughs)
I do hate it, I hate leaving my house,
'cause I have to pee constantly, and I hate asking people,
I hate asking people, "May I use your restroom?"
I hate that, like, "Please, may I?"
It's just so humiliating to ask a business
to use their restroom, and it's like I pee all the time.
I told my friend that, I'm like, "I pee all the time."
And he's like, "You're a frequent urinator?"
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "Um, don't put a medical flare to it,
"I pee a lot, okay?"
And he's like, "Is it sticky pee?"
(audience laughs)
"Is it like syrup?"
I'm like, "No motherfucker,
"how crazy would I have
"to be that I have sticky pee?
"And I'm just walking the earth."
I'm just like, "Uh-huh, yeah, yeah, I do,
"I have sticky pee, why, what's up?"
(audience laughs)
"What's up?
"What's up?"
(audience laughs) "What is it?
"What's on your mind?" (audience laughs)
"What's the deal?
"My pee, yeah, it's like molasses, why?
"Why do you ask?"
(audience laughs)
"I'm just wondering why you asked?"
If I had molten pee, I would be in an ambulance right now.
(audience laughs)
I don't like peeing in public.
I hate that feeling of someone being so close to you.
I don't know if you guys do this,
but I will actually tilt and try to pee
on the side of the toilet bowl,
'cause it flattens it, and then it's seamlessly
injected into the toilet water, completely silently.
And then no one can ever know how forceful
my pee stream is.
(audience laughs)
That's too much intel for a stranger.
They're like, "Chelsea pees like a horse!"
It's like, no!
Puttin' my foot down.
I just panic, like what if I let go
and it's that kind of lawn sprinkler pee, you know,
that pulsating, where it's like.
Then all of a sudden you've gotta make a joke
to your stall-mate, you're like,
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
"club music." (laughs)
I can't take the stress, I'd rather just hold it.
(funky music)