My favorite convention, bar none,
is when I was working at the radio
station, I got a call from the North
Carolina Wildlife Club.
North Carolina Wildlife Club,
they're like Ducks Unlimited
for deer.
Deer hunting is their big thing.
So I go to the cocktail party
before the event, just soak up
the ambiance,
get a feel for the crowd, the group.
And I kept hearing this expression.
I kept hearing people say, the sport
of deer hunting, the sport--
so I threw out my first joke,
whatever it had been.
And I said to them, when I opened up,
"you guys all think deer hunting
"is a sport?"
They're all nodding, yeah.
I go, "OK, all right.
"I'll bite.
"Now, name me one, just one,
"other sport where your opponent
"has no idea he's playing."
(audience laughing)
Until the opening gun goes off,
the deer has no idea he won the coin
toss and elected to receive.
(audience laughing)
It's a 0-1 before he knew what hit him.
I said, "I can understand it being
"a sport if by state law,
"you had to chase it down, tackle
"him, and choke him out--
"a little hand to hoof combat."
(audience laughing)
Now, when I was a kid,
it was an outdoor recreational
activity.
It wasn't a sport.
Here's something else that's
changed. Nowadays--
when I was a kid, you didn't have
to wear orange in the woods.
Nowadays, you have to wear
a certain amount of orange
if you're hunting in the woods.
And I know exactly why,
but I asked the audience, hoping
for just the right response.
And I got it.
How come you got to wear orange?"
Some yahoo in the back yells out,
so another hunter will not mistake
you for a deer.
I said, "so let me get this straight.
"Here in North Carolina,
"we're selling guns and ammunition
"to human beings who lack the ability
"to distinguish other human beings
"from deer."
(audience laughing)
I said, "forgive me but couldn't we
"clear this up with something simple
"like, I don't know, a leg count?"
(audience laughing)
Here's my philosophy,
I said, "if you find me in the woods
"on all fours, shoot me."
(audience laughing)
I said, "we don't need a gun when you
"buy a weapon in North Carolina.
"We need an IQ test."
I said, "I got an idea.
"We'll do it like the cops.
"We'll have a photo lineup.
"Yeah, a bunch of deer and a guy.
A"nd I'll make it easy, famous deer--
"Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen.
"You can't pick out that guy?
"No gun for you, Elmer Fudd."
(audience laughing)
Now, if you hunt,
you know we're making fun of this.
But in the United States every year,
somebody's mistakes
another somebody
for a deer and blows them, happened
last year in Georgia.
The good news is the guy got-- he's
got wings, two stitches, he's fine.
But he lived outside Atlanta.
He was out behind his house,
minding his own business,
OK, picture this, pruning a tree.
(audience laughing)
I just wish I could have been
in the woods
with the two guys hunting right
before the one guy pulled
the trigger, just to hear
the conversation that led up to it.
I'm guessing it went something
like this.
"Hold my beer."
(audience laughing)
Why?
"I think I see a deer."
Where?
"On that ladder."
(audience laughing)
What's he doing?
"Looks like yard work."
Boom!
(audience laughing)
Now, the only other thing that's
changed in the intervening years,
I'm working in Holland America ship.
And there's a woman from Tennessee
and we're chatting.
And her son-- when we were a kid,
when I was hunting, we didn't have
chemicals you could use to enhance
the chance of bagging a buck.
You guys know that?
Her son hired scientists
to manufacture-- to duplicate
the scent that female deer give off
when they're ready to procreate.
And they put it in aerosol spray
can, which is why I love America.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, no cure for cancer yet.
But we have fake deer hormone
in aerosol can.
(audience laughing)
And the guy sent me a case of it.
And I'm reading the label,
and it says, attracts the buck,
which by the way, turns out it does.
(audience laughing)
What it does not say, what I believe
should be a federally mandated
warning on each and every can,
"caution, this is a concentrate.
"It will not only attract the buck,
"it will send him
"into a romantic frenzy."
(audience laughing)
Now, I've never used this.
But if you're a deer hunter,
correct me if I'm wrong,
you spray this stuff around where
you're waiting on the deer.
And I'm assuming, you hope you kill
him with the first shot
(audience laughing)
because I got news for you.
If I shoot and miss, I'm seriously
considering using that second round
on myself.
(audience laughing)
I don't think after Rudolph gets
a face full of this aphro-deer-siac,
that big boy is going to take no
for an answer, right?
(audience laughing)
I don't think the buck stops here.
I don't think that's the case.
(audience laughing)