I'm going to say one thing right off the bat.
Your special is so good.
Thank you.
It is.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
It is unbelievably funny.
Thank you.
And my girls now weirdly walk around quoting
you, which is a very weird feeling in the house.
They're just like, oh, emotional pets on planes, right?
I'm like, are you doing bits from Ellen Show?
And they're like, oh, boy, rescue animals, huh?
That's never quite right.
Well, thanks.
Thank you.
That means a lot to me.
Thanks.
You're funny, and you're nominated for an Oscar.
And--
This is when we fight.
Yeah.
This is where we go fisticuffs.
You're the funny one.
No, she's nominated for an Oscar for this amazing movie.
[APPLAUSE]
If you haven't seen it.
Crazy.
I told you.
I know you did.
I told you you'd get nominated.
Didn't you--
And I thought she was crazy.
No, I'm sure I'm not the only one.
Everybody must have told you that,
so you must have sort of expected it.
Oh no.
I don't think you can ever be like it's-- no, I mean,
I really didn't.
And there was a weird thing that happened that morning
because I--
like the old man I am, I'm up at like 5:00.
5:00 AM, 4:45, 4:30, if I really wanted to be honest.
And for some reason, it was 5:30.
I was sound asleep, which is already like, what's happening?
And the phone rang, and I was like, this isn't the alarm,
is it?
And I answered, and I was like, look,
is it the code of my parents' house?
And it's Kevin, my agent, who was like,
what are you talking about?
And I was like, the code for the home
that I'm not at currently, but.
And I wouldn't stop saying things about code.
Then I started giving him my code.
And he's like, one, don't give your code out over the phone.
I'm not your security company.
You've been nominated.
And I was like, is it the code?
I don't know what happened.
I went into some vortex and woke up,
thinking my parents' house alarm was going off.
And then when I realized what he was saying, I was like,
I don't think that's right.
Was Ben next to you?
Was he asleep?
Sound asleep.
So did you wake him up?
He's like, is it the code?
[LAUGHTER]
Because he does not like to get up that early.
And I just kind of--
I ran downstairs.
Mari Heller, our amazing director,
had sent a really funny video.
And I immediately called Richard.
It was just like, what's happening?
And I mean, everybody must-- your kids
must be-- did they understand what a big deal this is?
No, because really, I was on the phone,
and they came downstairs.
And they're just like, is the toast ready?
Well, good.
It kind of grounds you a little bit.
Yeah.
There's no possible way to get overly impressed with myself
in my house.
And so how old are they now?
I ask you that every time.
And Georgie's turning nine this week.
Georgie is the--
She's going to turn 9.
She's the little one that's just always ready for war.
Yeah.
War, anything, and now they're both really into basketball.
Basketball has completely-- which I love,
because I always played sports--
has taken over the house.
Which I just didn't see that one coming.
I don't know why.
Are they good?
They are.
They really like it, and they've both clicked in.
And do you know when Georgie started, she really--
they were like, they explained guarding.
And she was like, got it.
Guard.
And so we were always like, hands up, [INAUDIBLE]!!
And that's what we'd call her.
She guarded their team, her own team.
So it was like her own girls trying to come down the lane.
She was like, no, no, no!
And she's like in her face.
And I was like, Georgie, it's your own team!
So she stopped that.
Now she's point guard, and she made her first basket
two weeks ago.
And you saw it click in where all of a sudden,
she's like, I can go around them.
Because she's tiny and fast.
And you saw it click, and she tried it once,
and then I literally saw her like, oh.
And then the next time, she just hauled it down the court,
ran around this girl, went around somebody else,
got the ball back, and scored.
We all went crazy.
My dad burst out crying.
I burst out crying.
And there was a woman behind us, and she was like, I don't even
know why I'm crying.
I don't know why I'm crying.
And we were all like--
something's happened.
I've become-- I scream and yell like I've lost my mind.
I've become exactly the person I always feared I would meet.
Just a constant litany of like, get it!
Get it from her!
Take it from her!
Take it!
Georgie, you take it from her!
Get it!
Once, I was like, she doesn't deserve it!
I was like, oh my god!
And I'm yelling at like an 8-year-old!
And then it's like I finally stop, and I'm shaking,
and I'm like, I got to walk it off.
I get so excited because I love the thought of watching girls,
especially at that age, become not more aggressive.
I don't mean that in a negative way, but seeing them be like,
I can take that ball from them.
Because they start out so polite, where it's like, well,
if you have the ball, I don't want to bother you for it.
And then when they start grabbing it,
it's like every aggressive thing that is like 96% of my being
is just like, yo, take it from her!
If there was a guy next to me that's like, it's OK, it's OK.
And I was like.
Yeah, and then we were crying and cheering.
And they'd lost like 36 to 4.
And our entire team walked out, like that's how you do!
That's how you do!
Like crazy.
And they were like, you lost!
And we're like, oh, I don't know.
I'm becoming a monster.
That should be your next role.
That's a fantastic idea.