- The Buddhist teacher says that
the greatest gift a parent can give to a child is his or her own happiness.
So I tell parents to really look after their emotional lives,
to examine the stress in their lives.
And in those first few years make the child's comfort, and happiness, and security their primary goal.
Whatever life goals they have, put them on hold,
as best you can, and really create an environment where the child is connected and secure.
And that child then will be set for life pretty much.
And if you face stresses, or anxieties, or depression, deal with them as quickly as you can,
and get all the support you can get,
and look at what's causing it because under those circumstances
your child will be affected negatively.
It used to be thought that babies were sort of blank slates
on which you can write anything you want.
Well thats not true. What is true is that babies are born with tremendous potential.
Tremendous potential for self-realization but also for self-negation.
One of the things that have been shown in research is that attachment patterns
of the parent are predictably passed on to the child.
So you can do an interview with a prospective parent
a couple years before the child is born
and predict how that yet un-conceived child will respond to attachment issues at one year of age.
An then that'll predict how that child will grow up,
will exhibit attachment patterns as an adult.
So is it really is highly conditioned
by the multi-generational or emotional transactions that occur in a family.
The human brain is not strictly an organ that develops according to genetics.
Infact nothing is, as I gave the example of the seed,
I mean if you want that seed to grow you have to plant in the right kind of ground
with the right conditions of light, and irrigation, and nutrition.
Well the human brain also develops in response to the environment
especially the human brain because most of our brain growth occurs after birth and not before.
About 80 percent happens after birth,
and much of that in the first three years of life,
so by the end the third year of life the human brain is something like 80 or 90 percent adult size.
Whereas the human body is about 18 percent adult size.
So those first three years are hugely important.
Now, which circuits develop and which do not depends very much on environmental input.
So a child who doesn't see light, they will be blind after a few years
because the visual circuits need light waves for their development, they just don't otherwise.
Our capacity for intimate relationships, for connection,
for self-regulation, for attention, for stress regulation,
These all depend on crucial brain circuits, these brain circuits require the right conditions as well.
The right conditions are the presence of non stressed, non depressed,
emotionally available, consistently available parenting caregivers.
We're not talking about does mother and dad love the child,
that you can take for granted most cases.
Are the intentions good? That's always there.
We're just talking about how stressed, or distracted, or depressed the parents may be.
And the more they are the more that will interfere with the child's healthy brain development,
unless they get the right support.