Dozens years ago
When I'm studying in madrasah ibtidaiyah or equal to elementary school
I spent alot of time in boy dorm in an islamic boarding school that founded by my Grandfather
and manage by my parents that time
I'm happy and I feel that I'm part of them. And I feel that I just like them.
I feel so free as a boy
But each time I to go to school I have to wear a skirt
People said male student wear a pants and female student must wear a skirt
You as a female student have to wear a skirt at school.
This make me feel unfree and sad during my school time.
So each time I'm back from school, I changed my skirt to pants and start playing around like other little boy.
then I went into madrasah tsanawiyah or equal to middle school.
My parents start telling me that I as a teenage girl are not allowed anymore to play in boy's dorm with the boy students.
you have to wear hijab and stay at the girl's dorm.
I feel that my happiness taken away that time.
Since that time I don't see me as I am.
Somany poeple told me that I'm a tomboy.
I have a lot of tomboy friends, till now they're still look masculine.
But they don't think that there's something wrong with their body
Instead of me, I have a lot of question and struggle in my mind questioning about who I am.
That situatin happening so long until I went to university.
During my collage time I read a lot and spend a lot of time in organization.
Then I realized that the world is filled with so diverse human identities.
Include the gender and sexual identities
so I studied more and more about my own gender identities.
until I realize that I'm not a woman.
I am a man, I'm a transman
Then I have the courage to tell this to my mother.
That moment when I share this story to my mother is the most touching moment in my life.
Because before that I never have a deep conversation with my mother.
But when I share that story. I feel so close with her for the first time.
After two to three hours of story.