WELCOME, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW." ♪ ♪ ♪
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS IN FULL SWING ALREADY HERE IN NEW YORK.
THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ARE BURNING BRIGHT, ESPECIALLY OVER AT FOX
NEWS HEADQUARTERS, WHERE LAST NIGHT, THE FOX NEWS CHRISTMAS
TREE WAS SET ON FIRE.
THINKING, BUT THE GHOST OF HUGO CHAVEZ HAS AN ALIBI!
THANKFULLY, NO ONE WAS HURT. BUT WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT A
COUPLE OF TOASTED PINE CONES HERE.
TAKE A LOOK: CRISPY KRINGLES!
OF COURSE, THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THE TREE HAD A GUN.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). YOU GOTTA-- GIVEAVE SQUIRREL--
GIVE A SQUIRREL A GUN OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
AND FOX NEWS TRIED TO WARN US THIS WAS COMING.
EVERY TIME A STORE CLERK SAYS, "HAPPY HOLIDAYS," A CHRISTMAS
TREE BURSTS INTO FLAMES.
LAST NIGHT, AND POLICE SAY THAT THEY BELIEVE HE IS HOMELESS, AND
MENTAL ILLNESS MAY HAVE PLAYED A FACTOR.
HOMELESS AND MENTALLY ILL? OH, MY GOD!
THE FIRE WAS SET BY BILL O'REILLY.
SO--
SO, IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THIS HOLLY-JOLLY ARSONIST WAS
POLITICALLY MOTIVATED, BUT FOX NEWS IS STILL GONNA EIGHT
MAIDS-A-MILK IT. HERE'S A STOCKING STUFFED WITH
THEIR COVERAGE FROM THIS MORNING:
>> JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE, SOMEBODY
BURNS DOWN A CHRISTMAS TREE. >> THIS IS PERSONAL TO YOU, TOO,
AT HOME NOW. THE FOX CHRISTMAS TREE
VANDALIZED. ARSON.
>> I KNOW SOME PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO SIMPLIFY THIS TO JUST A
CHRISTMAS TREE. >> WHO SETS A CHRISTMAS TREE ON
FIRE? THE CHRISTMAS TREE, THE
HOLIDAY TREE HERE IN THE SQUARE. >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, DID A
FOX ANCHOR JUST SAY, "HOLIDAY TREE"?
KEEP IT UP, DOOCY, AND AINSLEY'S GONNA SET YOU ON FIRE.
FOX CLEARLY WANTED TO DRIVE HOME THE POINT THAT THIS FIRE WAS SET
INTENTIONALLY. AS STEVE DOOCY SAID:
>> APPARENTLY, THE GUY IS STILL BEING INTERVIEWED BY THE ARSON
SQUAD, IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT
LIKE ARSON.
♪ IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE ARSON
EVERYWHERE YOU GO ♪ TAKE A LOOK AT THE TREE
AND THEN THE FLAMES ARE ROARING ONCE AGAIN
♪ DOOCY, STOP, DROP, ROLL ♪
A LITTLE BING. >> Jon: BING CROSBY.
>> Stephen: THE FIRE WAS PARTICULARLY UPSETTING FOR THE
PEOPLE AT FOX. BECAUSE THE EVERGREEN TREE IS A
SYMBOL OF THE ETERNAL LIFE GIVEN BY CHRIST.
OR AS AINSLEY PUT IT: >> IT'S A TREE THAT UNITES
US, THAT BRINGS US TOGETHER. IT'S ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.
IT'S ABOUT THE HOLIDAY SEASON. IT'S ABOUT JESUS.
IT'S ABOUT HANUKKAH.
GIFT FROM JESUS. BUT I'M GONNA-- BLESS YOUR
HEART. AINSLEY, I'M GOING TO GO UP ON
THE A BURNING LIMB AND SAY THIS IS NOT ABOUT HANUKKAH.
IF IT WAS, THE FIRE WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE THIS:
BUT, ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE IT IS ABOUT HANUKKAH BECAUSE I HAVE
A FEELING THAT FOX WILL MIRACULOUSLY MAKE THIS STORY
LAST FOR EIGHT DAYS.
IT'S ALSO TIME FOR CONGRESS'S FAVORITE HOLIDAY TRADITION:
NEARLY DESTROYING THE ECONOMY FOR NO DAMN REASON.
THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S ALMOST DEBT CEILING-MAS, WHEN BOTH HOUSES OF
CONGRESS HAVE TO RAISE THE OFFICIAL BORROWING LIMIT OR
THE U.S. DEFAULTS ON ITS DEBT, CURRENCY BECOMES WORTHLESS, AND
WE'RE ALL LEFT IN THE AFTERSCAPE TRADING SHEEP, POTABLE WATER,
AND CHILDREN FOR DOGECOIN. BUT NEVER FEAR, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THE SITUATION IS IN THE CAPABLE TALONS OF
SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND TODDLER FILLING HIS DIAPER ON
SANT SANTA'S LAP, MITCH McCONNELL.
( LAUGHTER )
DEBT CEILING, BUT HE ALSO WANTS TO FILIBUSTER ANYTHING THAT
MOVES, SO HE'S COME UP WITH AN INGENUOUS STRATEGY: GETTING 10
REPUBLICAN SENATORS TO VOTE FOR A TEMPORARY FAST-TRACK PROCESS
TO ALLOW SENATE DEMOCRATS TO ACT ON THEIR OWN TO INCREASE THE
DEBT LIMIT WITH 51 VOTES. YES, THEY'RE GOING TO VOTE TO
ALLOW SOMEONE ELSE TO VOTE TO RAISE THE DEBT CEILING.
THAT WAY, NO ONE CAN BLAME THE REPUBLICANS IF THE UNITED STATES
CONTINUES TO EXIST. IT'S THE PERFECT CRIME:
THEY'RE ON TRACK TO PASS IT-- BUT I REFUSE TO GIVE THEM ANY
CREDIT FOR DOING THE ABSOLUTE BARE MINIMUM OF NOT DELIBERATELY
DESTROYING THE WORLD ECONOMY. THE DEBT CEILING SHOULD NOT EVEN
BE A THING. WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO GIVE OUR
GOVERNMENT A BUILT-IN SELF- DESTRUCT MECHANISM??
THAT'S LIKE A MICROWAVE HAVING JUST THREE SETTINGS:
REHEAT, POPCORN, AND "PRESS ME ONCE AN
HOUR OR I'LL JUMP IN THE BATHTUB WITH YOU."
NOW, MOVING ON TO THINGS THAT ARE ACTUALLY HAPPENING,
SCIENTISTS IN SOUTH AFRICA JUST RELEASED THE RESULTS OF A STUDY
THAT FOUND OMICRON SEEMS TO DULL THE POWER OF THE PFIZER VACCINE,
MEANING THAT VACCINATED PEOPLE MIGHT BE VULNERABLE TO
BREAKTHROUGH INFECTIONS. BOOOO!
>> Audience: BOOOO! >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF A VIRUS BREK THROUGH.
>> OH-- MICRON!
OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH. SCIENTISTS WERE QUICK TO CLARIFY
THAT, WHILE THE RESULTS WERE SOMEWHAT WORRISOME, THERE'S NO
CAUSE FOR PANIC. GOOD, BECAUSE I WASN'T PANICKING
ANYWAY. MAYBE I SHOULD, BUT I'M SO
TIRED. AFTER FIVE YEARS OF DEMOCRACY
BURNING LIKE A FOX NEWS CHRISTMAS TREE, AND TWO YEARS OF
PANDEMIC, MY ADRENAL GLANDS ARE SHRIVELED UP LIKE TWO CRAISINS.
MY FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT RESPONSE HAS TURNED INTO CARAMEL CORN AND
NETFLIX. BESIDES, THIS IS A PRELIMINARY
STUDY. HOW PRELIMINARY?
THEY RELEASED THE RESULTS IN THE HIGHLY-RESPECTED MEDICAL
JOURNAL, TWITTER.
ALL MEDICAL STUDIES DEBUT ON SOCIAL MEDIA:
"HEY TIKTOK FAM, BIG NEWS-- I GOT THIS GORGEOUS NEW BAG FROM
FENDI, AND I CAN'T WAIT TO USE IT TO HOLD MY NOBEL PRIZE, CUZ
I CURED CANCER! WHOOP, WHOOP!
SMASH THAT 'FOLLOW' BUTTON!"
SO WE DON'T KNOW A LOT, BUT ONE THING IS CLEAR: THE NEW VARIANT
IS SPREADING FAST. 21 STATES HAVE NOW DETECTED
OMICRON, INCLUDING TEXAS, WHERE HOUSTON HEALTH AUTHORITIES FOUND
IT IN HOUSTON'S WASTEWATER BY ANALYZING SEWAGE.
THAT'S RIGHT. (BLEEP) JUST GOT REAL.
( LAUGHTER )
OFFICIALS ARE ABLE TO DETECT. REPORTEDLY, SCIENTISTS HAVE JUST
FOUND A STEALTH VERSION OF OMICRON THAT MAY BE HARDER FOR
P.C.R. TESTS TO TRACK. AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE AN
ENLARGED IMAGE OF THE STEALTH VARIANT.
WE'RE ALSO LEARNING MORE ABOUT HOW THE VIRUS IS TRANSMITTED.
THE NEW STUDY FOUND THAT WHEN EXHALING, MALES PRODUCED 34%
MORE AEROSOL THAN FEMALES. CLASSIC MAN-SPREAD.
THE VIRUS--
THE VIRUS IS ALSO MORE LIKELY TO BE TRANSMITTED BY LOUD TALKERS,
BUT THAT SINGING IS WOSE THAN TALKING.
FINALLY, SCIENTIFIC PROOF THAT OFFICE KARAOKE NIGHT IS KILLING
YOU.
SPEAKING OF SCIENCE, MORE SCIENCE.
RESEARCHERS IN HONG KONG HAVE DEVELOPED THE FIRST -EVER
COVID-KILLING STEEL THAT CAN INACTIVATE 99.99% OF THE VIRUS
WITHIN SIX HOURS. THAT IS FANTASTIC.
ALSO, DIDN'T WE LEARN MONTHS AGO THAT COVID DOESN'T REALLY SPREAD
VIA SURFACES? IT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE THESE
SCIENTISTS FOUND OUT ABOUT COVID TWO YEARS AGO, IMMEDIATELY
LOCKED THEMSELVES IN A LAB, AND THEN JUST EMERGED LIKE, "WE DID
IT! WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S
AIRBORNE? DAMMIT!
GUESS I'LL JUST GO HOME AND WATCH QUIBI.
WHAT?! I'M GONNA WRITE GOVERNOR CUOMO
ABOUT THIS. HUH?!!!
I'D LIKE TO SEE WHAT HIS BROTHER CHRIS HAS TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
GAH!"
WORLD'S NUMBER ONE EXPORTER OF CONSONANTS.
YESTERDAY WAS THE LAST DAY IN POWER FOR FORMER CHANCELLOR
ANGELA MERKEL, SEEN HERE SCREAMING, "HELP!
MY CHILDREN HAVE BEEN TURNED INTO BIRDS!"
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S A REALLY LONG RUN. I KNOW THAT PERSONALLY, BECAUSE
HER FIRST YEAR IN OFFICE WAS THE FIRST YEAR OF MY OLD SHOW, WHICH
BEGS THE QUESTION: "WHO AGED IT BETTER?"
OH, MY GOD.
STEPHEN! STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: NO, WAIT, WAIT A SECOND.
WHY AM I THE ONE WHO LOOKS LIKE HE SPENT YEARS TRYING TO PREVENT
THE COLLAPSE OF THE GREEK ECONOMY?
( LAUGHTER )
MERKEL, AND ONE OF THE SONGS THAT SHE REQUESTED A MARCHING
BAND PLAY WAS "DU HAST DEN FARBFILM
VERGESSEN," OR "YOU FORGOT THE COLOR FILM," A 1974 PUNK ROCK
ANTHEM BY THE EAST GERMAN ARTIST NINA HAGEN.
WOOO! OF COURSE, MERKEL HAS ALWAYS
BEEN A LITTLE PUNK ROCK. WHO CAN FORGET WHEN SHE CROWD
SURFED AT THE U.N. GENERAL ASSEMBLY.
( LAUGHTER )
WHY, IT'S NONE OTHER THAN FORMER GERMAN VICE CHANCELLOR AND GUY
SAYING, "WHO HAS TWO THUMBS AND ALSO LOOKS LIKE A THUMB?"
OLAF SCHOLZ. WOOOOO!!!!
OLAF, BABY! NUMBER ONE OLAF FAN.
WHEN I SAY OLAF, YOU SAY BUNDESKANZLER.
OLAF! >> BUNDESKANZLER.
>> OLAF! >> BUNDESKANZLER.
>> Stephen: IT'S A MUSICAL LANGUAGE THAT IS NOT AT ALL
HORRIFYING TO HERE CHANTED. FLASH BACK, FLASH BACK, I WATCH
TOO MUCH HISTORY CHANNEL. BUT CHANCELLOR SCHOLZ ISN'T
UNIVERSALLY BELOVED. HE'S BEEN CRITICIZED BY AN
OPPOSITION MEMBER FOR "GRINNING LIKE A MURF."
HEY, HEY, THAT'S NOT FAIR! HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A SMURF.
HE LOOKS LIKE HE EATS SMURFS.
THE COMPARISON, BECAUSE "SMURFS ARE SMALL, CRAFTY, AND ALWAYS
WIN." NICELY DONE, OLAF.
ALTHOUGH, I'M NOT SURE "I KNOW A TON ABOUT SMURFS" IS THE BITING
COMEBACK THAT YOU THINK IT IS.
JOKE'S ON YOU: I VATCH EXCLUSIVELY DA KINDER -CARTOONS
FROM THE 1980S. AH, VICTORY.
IT'S AS SWEET AS STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKES.
BY DA POWER OF GRAYSKULL: I AM THE CHANCELLOR!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS CBS NEWS COVID EXPERT DR. DAVID AGUS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I EXPLAIN MODERN RELATIONSHIPS, AND THEN
YOU STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM.