- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California.
The only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points
This is, 'Breaking News'.
- Hello and welcome to Breaking News,
the show where we have no idea what we're about to say
and aren't even allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Steven Applesauce.
- And I'm like a Hot Wolf Blitzer.
- We're going to straight
(laughs) we're gonna go
ah fuck,
we're gonna go straight to our cooking segment,
with Tom Knob.
- Thank you.
For today's segment,
I'm going to show you how to make a peanut butter sandwich
using a bowling ball.
To get started, you're gonna wanna take your bowling ball,
I use a eight pound ball.
And then, you're gonna have your peanut butter
and your bread.
And to get started, you just sort of,
well, obviously get the peanut butter out of the,
of the thing of peanut butter, with,
- How do you do that?
(laughter)
- I'm a peanut butter guy, so I like a lot of peanut butter.
And then, get it off of there.
You're gonna get it off of there.
- It looks like you just moved it around.
- And then this is one sandwich.
- Oh, you fold it.
- And then you're just gonna get it off of there.
(laughs)
- And then fold it, of course.
- And then fold it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
- And,
that's pretty much all I have over here.
- What makes you think this is useful information for
our audience to know?
- Well, you just...
(laughter)
I think when you, are first on your own in your life,
and you're trying to figure out how to provide for yourself,
you're gonna want to learn how to make a couple of basics.
You're gonna have to get your own bowling ball,
you're gonna have to get your own peanut butter,
and you're gonna have to get it off of there.
(laughter)
- No you leave my mother out of this!
- Now, we understand there's a crazy story behind why
you had to learn this, something about a hostage situation?
Tell us about that.
- Well, when I was 19 I was on my own for the first time
and I was, going into a Bed Bath and Beyond
to buy a couple of things for myself,
and that's when the Bed Bath and Beyond
got taken over by terrorists.
In the Bed Bath and Beyond, the only thing they wanted
was a peanut butter sandwich,
and I had to learn how to make it on the spot, and I did.
- And you saved everyone?
- No.
(laughter)
- Fascinating.
- Now over to Taylor Wisekoff, who's in the woods,
where the search and rescue team is looking for
the 50 year old woman who went missing last week.
Taylor.
- Y'all know that bitch dead.
(laughter)
- Yes, but we have to go on with this charade, so.
- You know, when was the last time a missing person
was found alive in the woods?
1990 never?
- No matter how long it was, we still owe it to our viewers.
- We're in the woods!
The woods!
- Maybe she's just lost?
- It's been a week!
- Allegedly.
- Fuck off!
- Let's check back in with Tom,
who's finally finished making sandwiches.
- Oh thank God.
- That's right, now we're going to learn
how to peel an onion without a knife,
and both of our hands in big mittens.
- Say what?
Now, I've shown you the basics.
How to make a peanut butter sandwich.
And now, I am going to,
I forgot,
peel this onion without hands or tools,
using these mittens?
These are not mittens, first off!
What are these?
So you're gonna need, two, sort of, plasticky mittens,
and then one onion.
And you're just gonna, get that started.
- Now you, don't use the bowling ball for this right?
- No, no, the bowling balls not a part of this.
- Okay.
- This is a separate skill.
And you're just gonna get it out of there.
(laughter)
- Now, I've been told that this is a
technique you learned in the Navy.
Can you tell us about your time there?
- Sure.
After not saving any of the hostages
at the Bed Bath and Beyond,
I found myself...
- You didn't save any?
- No, I got out.
But, from there I was learning...
- So you made them a peanut butter sandwich and they killed,
- And I took off!
- They killed everyone else?
- But I got out.
And then that's when I decided,
I should learn how to defend myself, I'm going into the Nav.
(laughter)
And then you, get it out of there.
Is this me? (laughter)
And, and from there I got sent straight to the kitchen.
Obviously, because I'm not fast, I have no stamina,
and I'm scared of any sort of fighting.
And that's where they taught me how to open an onion,
just like this.
- Open? - Yeah.
You.
- Take it easy potty mouth!
(laughter)
- That about does it for me.
Back to you two for your next story on police brutality.
- That's right, Wolf and I will be demonstrating
how to defend yourself if you're ever in the middle
of a, of catching a beat down by the police.
- We'll be demonstrating this with Officer Watson.
- As the police approach,
you'll hear a bunch of stereotypical police phrases like,
'We eat shit like you for breakfast.'
- What are five more phrases?
- 'I'm gonna fuck your parents.'
- That's one.
- Yup, and now four more from me.
The, 'I'm gonna wear you like a suit.'
'I'll turn your bones into gravel.'
- Three.
- 'Ryan Cramer you're dead to me.'
- That's four.
- And, 'Oh boy, vampires!'
- And when they come at you, like that,
all you have to do are these four self defense moves
that I'll demonstrate with Officer Watson here.
So, if an officer comes and puts your hand on you, like so,
you say, 'You do not have the right to touch me officer.'
That's one thing you can do.
Number two, if they put both hands on you,
which they will do,
you say, especially if they've done this after
they put the one hand on you, say
'I already told you this the first time, okay?
That was a rule I explained before.'
So, if they put three, which, they are apt to do.
You're, I'm gonnna need some help here,
can you grab the third?
That is when you explain,
'Listen, I have said this twice already, you do not put
any sort of,' and then that happens.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, eh, hey - And then you say 'Easy'
- Hey!
Ey!
- And that's actually all legal.
- Well, that's all the time we have before we go,
we'll announce that this weeks loser is Kellen!
- Horseshit - Ey!
- Horseshit!
- [Wolf] Thanks for watching.
- Good boy, yes, you can have that.
(howling)
- Yes, good boy!
- Does anybody want some onion, or sandwiches?
- I will eat a sandwich!
Thank you.
- I'll have onion.
- Off that, off that bowling ball?
- Oh, here's the onion for you.
- Yeah, wonderful. - Take a big bite.
- No thank you.
- I'll have a little onion.
(laughter)