>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, RIGHT OVER THERE, MY
FRIENDS.
WE'RE THE LUCKIEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JON, WE'VE GOT-- COMING UP HERE ON THE SHOW
TONIGHT-- THANKS, EVERYBODY.
JON, I'M LOOKING RIGHT HERE, WE HAVE TWO WONDERFUL GUESTS
TONIGHT, TWO JUST ASTOUNDING WOMEN ON THE SHOW TONIGHT.
REPRESENTATIVE CORI BUSH FROM MI IS HERE TONIGHT.
FIRST AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMAN EVER ELECTED TO CONGRESS FROM
MISSOURI, HARD TO BELIEVE JUST LAST YEAR, INCREDIBLY DYNAMIC
PERSON, HAS AN INCREDIBLE LIFE STORY.
AND MOLLY SHANNON IS HERE TONIGHT WITH A--
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: JUST A BEAUTIFUL MEMOIR.
HILARIOUS PERSON, HEARTFELT MEMOIR.
SPEAKING OF HEARTFELT EXPERIENCES, PEOPLE IN NEW YORK
HERE, PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE CAN TELL YOU, A LITTLE SHAKEN TODAY
BECAUSE OF THE EVENTS THAT HAPPENED IN BROOKLYN, ABSOLUTELY
HORRIBLE SCENE OF A SHOOTING ON A TRAIN IN BROOKLYN THIS
MORNING.
A MAN GOT ONTO THE TRAIN, THROUGH AN IMPROVISED SORT OF
SMOKE BOMB DEVICE, AND STARTED SHOOTING PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN.
29 PEOPLE HAVE INJURIES.
10 PEOPLE WERE SHOT.
FIVE PEOPLE ARE IN CRITICAL BUT STABLE POSITION.
SO FAR, THANKFULLY, THERE HAVE BEEN NO FATALITIES.
BUT IT'S STILL-- IT'S SUCH A TROUBLING AND SUCH A HORRIFYING
NEWS TO HEAR.
AND THE PERSON IS STILL AT LARGE.
NO ONE KNOW WHERE'S THIS PERSON IS.
YOU LIVE IN BROOKLYN.
DID-- WERE YOU ANYWHERE NEAR THIS?
DID THIS AFFECT YOU COMING IN TODAY?
>> Jon: NO, I WASN'T NEAR THIS, BUT I HEARD ABOUT IT, AND
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY STUFF LIKE THIS HAPPENS IN THE
WORLD, WE HAVE EVIL.
IT'S REAL.
BUT WE'VE GOT TO STAY STRONG.
WE'VE GOT TO BE POSITIVE, AND HOPEFULLY, NO ONE IS LOST IN
THIS.
BUT HOLD THE ONES YOU LOVE CLOSE BECAUSE IN TIMES LIKE THIS, YOU
NEVER KNOW WHAT COULD HAPPEN IN THE NEXT MINUTE.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
BUT IF THERE'S A CITY THAT CAN TAKE SOMETHING LIKE THIS AND
MOVE AHEAD WITH STRENGTH, IT'S THIS CITY, THE GREATEST CITY IN
THE WORLD.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
NEW YORK CITY,s NEW YORK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
NOTHING REALLY TO BE SAID.
( APPLAUSE )
SAID OTHER THAN OUR THOUGHTS AND OUR SINCERE PRAYERS GO OUT TO
EVERYONE WHO IS AFFECTED BY THIS IN BROOKLYN TODAY, ALL THOSE WHO
WERE WOUNDED AND THEIR FAMILIES, AND TO SAY WE LOVE YOU, NEW
YORK.
STAY STRONG.
BE BRAVE, YOU BEAUTIFUL CITY.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE,
CAREFULLY COMBING THE NEWS LANDSCAPE AND HARVESTING THE
FINEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL STORY PIGMENTS LIKE MALACHITE,
AZURITE, AND CINNABAR, WHICH I SLOWLY GRIND UNDER A GLASS
OF MULLER WITH ONLY THE MOST TOPICAL LINSEED OIL, WORKING
THEM INTO SMOOTH, BUTTERY VERMILLIONS, VERDIGRIS, AND NEW
GAMBOGES, WHICH I THEN APPLY TO A GRISAILLE PREPARED ON A CANVAS
OF FLAX, TOW, AND JUTE, SLOWLY WORKING UP THE SHADOW
SHAPES AND MAJOR MASSES, THEN DELICATELY RENDERING THE
INTERPLAY OF LIGHT AND FORM, BEFORE APPLYING A FINE DAMMAR
AND MASTIC VARNISH TO UNVEIL FOR YOU THE GLORIOUS REMBRANDT
PORTRAIT OF THE DAY'S EVENTS THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES--
SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES I'M SHAKEN AWAKE INSIDE THE
DARKENED TRUNK OF A BULGARIAN MOBSTER'S VOLVO 940, I QUIETLY
RELEASE THE SAFETY CATCH AND TUMBLE TO THE SIDE OF A DIRT
ROAD, BREAKING BOTH CLAVICLES, WHICH I DO NOT FEEL BECAUSE OF
ALL THE ANGEL DUST.
I STAGGER INTO AN ABANDONED TANNERY WHERE I BEFRIEND AN OWL
WHO TELLS ME TO I HAVE TO LET HIM SPEAK THROUGH ME OR HE'LL
MURDER THE CLOUDS.
AND AT HIS DIRECTION, I MIX THE FUN DIP I FOUND IN MY POCKET
WITH FISTFULS OF HEXAVALENT CHROMIUM I SCOOP FROM THE
DISUSED TANNING PITS, THEN HURL IT AT THE SIDE OF A NEARBY
DEFUNCT DAIRY QUEEN IN A FUGUE STATE OF LASHING OUT AT LIGHT
AND COLOR, TO UNLEASH FOR YOU THE ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONIST
SPLATTER FRESCO OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DAY IS WHAT IT IS.
MEANWHILE, IN SEATTLE, THE ICONIC SPACE NEEDLE IS TURNING
60 AND IS HOLDING A CONTEST TO COMMEMORATE IT.
THE WINNERS WILL GET TO HELP REPAINT THE SPACE NEEDLE ROOF.
OR YOU COULD NOT ENTER AND WIN AN EVEN MORE EXCITING PRIZE:
NOT PAINTING THE SPACE NEEDLE ROOF.
( LAUGHTER )
THOSE WHO MISS THE GOLDEN JET-SET AGE OF AIR TRAVEL,
BECAUSE "YOUR NEXT AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT COULD BE
ON A BUS."
THE NEW SERVICE STARTS JUNE 3, WHEN AMERICAN AIRLINES BUSES
WILL PROVIDE TRAVELERS WITH CONNECTIONS BETWEEN AIRPORTS.
AND IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO TAKE A BUS FROM ONE
AIRPORT TO ANOTHER, FLY SPIRIT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IN FROLICKING WITH OTTERS NEWS, A "RANCH RESORT IN
TEXAS IS OFFERING GUESTS THE CHANCE TO SWIM WITH OTTERS IN A
HOT TUB."
FOR JUST $300, GUESTS AT BLUE HILLS RANCH OUTSIDE OF WACO CAN
HOP IN A HEATED HOT TUB FOR NEARLY AN HOUR WITH TWO OTTERS.
IT'S ONLY $300 FOR THE HUMANS, BUT THERE'S A MUCH HIGHER
PSYCHOLOGICAL PRICE FOR THE OTTERS WHO HAVE TO SPEND 45
MINUTES IN THE SAME WATER WHERE THEY JUST WATCHED THE PREVIOUS
COUPLE DOIN' IT.
( LAUGHTER )
DESPERATE FOR I.P., THERE'S A "SPIRIT HALLOWEEN" STORE FILM IN
THE WORKS.
THE MOVIE IS ABOUT HOW, A MONTH EARLIER, THIS MOVIE WAS A
LADY FOOT LOCKER.
( LAUGHTER )
SOLUTION NEWS, A MAN SHOVED A FOUR-POUND DUMBBELL IN HIS ANUS.
( APPLAUSE )
YOU GOTTA LIFT WITH YOUR KNEES.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MOLLY SHANNON.
♪ ♪ ♪