Jermia: Mark, we need to talk.
Mark: Uh, yeah. What about?
Jermia: All you do is sit on your phone all day liking photos of other girls on Instagram.
I mean, why do you do it when it makes me feel like shit?
Mark: I'm allowed to look.
Jermia: Even though it makes me feel like shit when you do it?
Mark: I can't help if you're insecure.
Jermia: How is it my insecurity when you've liked 30 photos of Steff this week? Oh gosh,
she's such a slut. Would you rather have her?
Mark: God, I'm not dealing with this immaturity right now. It's one like.
Jermia: One like of the same girl's photo 30 fucking times! Oh my God. You don't like
any photos of your other chick friends when they hang out with their family.
Mark: Ah, I can like whatever I want, OK ? I'm not sleeping with her. You should be grateful.
Ish. You've probably had a conversation like that or something similar to that in
your relationships before. I was inspired to do this video by Magda who wrote in with
a question along this topic's lines. She said, Mark, what should a girl do when a guy is
following hot girls on social media and constantly liking their pics? I don't mean his friends,
I mean random almost naked girls in every, almost naked in every pic girls. Am I being
crazy when I don't feel comfortable with that, like he doesn't even know them? Why does he
have to do that? I must add that I don't do that with hot guys. I don't want to seem insecure.
What should I do? Am I crazy? Well, this is the question that I want to answer you today,
once and for all. What do you do when your boyfriend or when the guy you're with likes
another girl's photos? I'm going to show you exactly how to handle this situation and discuss
some of the permutations with it that go on. I'll see you in just a second.
[Music]
All right. What do you do when your man is liking another girl's pics on
social media? Now, this can be a muddy question. It sounds quite simple, but there's a ton
of different scenarios, permutations that can go on. The reality is, it falls back to
one central question. Am I being insecure here and in this, is this normal or is he
disrespecting our relationship? That's the central question you've got to answer. Now,
in many cases, the answer will simply be, Hey, why are you paying so much attention
to what your boyfriend's liking on social media? Live your own life. Get out there,
be your best self, and you won't be spending time thinking about it. And that's the end
of the story. But there are also going to be occasions where the guy's genuinely disrespecting
your relationship. And one of the most confusing parts is that respect changes for every couple.
So we're gonna talk about that, but the first thing you need to do, or the
first three things is to have the right mindsets and expectations. And so there's a few things
I want to address before you talk to your boyfriend about this issue. The first one
is the realization that he will be attracted to other women. So could this be an insecurity
of yours coming through, misunderstanding the fact that your partner will be attracted
to other women throughout your relationship when a man commits, even if he's married,
but when he just gets to a relationship, no matter when it is, it doesn't turn off the
part of his brain, not permanently anyway where he's going to find other people attractive.
The most important thing is that he doesn't act on those urges. Now, what you've got to
do is define what constitutes acting, and social media has created a whole bunch of
new problems that never used to exist for previous relationships, and that's why we
need to open the communication channels, which is what we're doing today.
But the first thing is to understand that he will be attracted to other women,
and that's okay. Throughout your relationship, his brain chemistry doesn't change. The important
thing is that he doesn't act on it. The second thing is to check in with yourself. Are you
liking at hot male surfers, or at tradies without shirts liking their photos constantly?
Or maybe it's your friend who dresses up really nicely in a suit and you're constantly liking
his photos. Check in with yourself and make sure you're not doing the same thing as well.
Now, Magda mentioned at the start that she wasn't, but in a lot of cases you'll find
you too as the relationship goes on will find attraction for other people. That's normal
again, it's part of your brain chemistry and early on relationships, in relationships,
sometimes that part of your brain will turn off, but on a long distance, on a long enough
timeline, you will find yourself attracted to others.
So check in with yourself and make sure you're not actually doing the exact same
behavior. And the third thing, mindset question to ask yourself is, is the behavior progressing?
Yeah, we did a video some time ago on what to do when he says another girl's name in
bed. And I asked my audience the question. I said, look, if this is the worst thing that
he ever does. Is your relationship all right? And look, a guy saying another girls
name in bed is pretty shit, let's be honest. But if it's the worst thing that ever happens
in your relationship, you guys will get past it. And the same sort of concept applies here.
If the behavior is not progressing, if he's always been like this, and this is the worst
thing that ever happens in your relationship, the reality is you've got a pretty good relationship.
On the other hand, if the behavior is progressing, if it's getting worse and
worse, if he's liking more girls pics or maybe he's liking the same girl's pic more often
than it's a more serious concern, it's more likely that it's crossing that boundary of
respect in the relationship. Okay, so now you've got a few important mindsets in your
head to keep in mind before you have this conversation. Now, there's two very important
things you've got to do when your boyfriend is liking another girl's photos. Number one,
define the insecurity within yourself, and there's an important reason we're going to
do this. I'll discuss at the end of the video, but how does it make you feel and what is
the insecurity there? For example, if he's liking a celebrity's photos, you might go,
the reason this bothers me is that I compare my body to hers.
I feel like he wants her body more than mine and that I can't provide that. Or
maybe he's liking a coworker's photos constantly. And maybe you say the real insecurity here
is that, well, I feel like I don't get of his attention, and yet he has time to sit
on social media and like 10 of her photos a day and give her attention. The real insecurity
often is not the photos themselves, it's what it brings out in you. And a lot of the times
it's either a physical thing or an attention based thing. I guarantee that if your boyfriend
was giving you more quality time focusing his attention on you, you'd probably be a
lot less bothered by the photos that he likes on Instagram. So identify and be brutally
honest with the real insecurity within yourself. Now, the second thing you've got to do is define
respect in your relationship.
And this is where the waters get really muddy because every relationship will
define respect differently. You know, in some cases there's couples that sleep with other
people because they say, well, I can never provide everything for my man, so I know he's
going to want sex outside the relationship. They have an open relationship and they consider
that respect. In a much more conservative culture, you know, you can't, you can barely look at
another man, let alone talk to one without guys going, Oh, what's, what's she up to?
That's disrespectful to her husband. Respect is a very fluid concept and it might be different
for you as it is for your man. And this is where these communication channels need to
open because not only do we have, you know, the practicalities of meeting people in real
life, what constitutes normal flirting and what constitutes disrespecting the relationship
in real life interactions.
You now have what constitutes disrespect in online interactions. And this is something
you and your partner have to discuss. So you want to have an open conversation. And the
best way to do this is to make sure that you're vulnerable with him. You see when you're vulnerable
and you open up about your insecurities, it makes people open up back to you. When they
see that you're putting your neck on the line, rather than go after you, they do the exact
opposite. They put their own neck on the line and want to be vulnerable with you. What I've
got now is a way to do that, a way to approach this conversation where you're being vulnerable.
Remember you've answered what your own insecurities are and you're going to then talk to your
boyfriend to define respect in your relationship and ultimately answer the question from the
very beginning as to, is this just be me being insecure and I've just got to handle this
and focus on my own life? Or is this actually disrespecting our relationship?
Jermia: Hi. Um, can I ask you about something? Yeah. Okay. So I just, I want to get your
help on something. What you think about a certain situation that I've come across.
Mark: Yeah, sure. What's going on?
Jermia: Okay. So I'm not sure if this is just my brain kind of running around,
but I've noticed that you've liked a lot of Steff's, bikini pictures lately. And like I
hate how insecure it makes me feel, but I kinda want to see how much of this is just
my problem and how much is something that we can work together through.
Mark: I mean it's just a like it doesn't mean anything.
Jermia: Yeah. Okay. Well like, alright.
If I'm honest, like Steff's, really beautiful. And I know you're going to find other girls
attractive, like I'm not silly, but okay. I guess if I'm really honest, it's less about
you liking stuff's pictures and more about the fact that I feel like we don't really
get enough kind of quality time together as it is. And then when I see you liking these
other girls pictures, it feels like you would just rather be with them than me anyway. So
how, I'm not saying that's exactly how it is, but that's just how it feels.
Mark: I mean, of course, of course I want you over Steff, but of course I do.
Jermia: Okay. Well, how bout then can I get your help with just redefining
or defining what respect is in our relationship?
Mark: Yeah, I mean at the same time, you know, you were flirting with Steve the other
night and I felt disrespected then.
Jermia: Okay. Okay. Yeah, no, yeah. Thanks for telling me.
Yeah, I appreciate it. Well then how about we just have have a talk and kind
of really discuss where the line is. So like I know you're going to find other girls attractive,
but you're going to be loyal through that. And by the same token, I'm gonna have guy
friends and I'm going to see them and hang out with them and I'm going to be loyal through
that as well. So if we decide where the line is, then we can both kind of move forward
knowing who we are, what our limits are, and kind of not feel restrained or restricted
by anything, but also feel like we both know where the line is and we can both respect
that within our relationship.
Mark: Yeah, sounds good. Okay.
So you can see in that video, Jermia was vulnerable. She started the conversation
by opening up, she still got respect. She was still firm, but she worked with him as
a team rather than her versus him, and rather than saying you should do this and controlling
him, she was taking ownership of her own insecurities and working with him to define respect in
the relationship. And you might see right at the end the kiss on the cheek. She emotionally
rewarded the guy for opening up and saying something that maybe he thought that she wouldn't
want to hear. It's very easy for guys to close off and not want to say things when they think
you'll react badly. Whereas if you emotionally reward him, even if it's something you don't
want to hear, you're emotionally rewarding him and making him feel good about communication
and communicating with you and opening up those channels in your relationships so you
can talk about this stuff. Well, that's it. Thanks for watching. I hope you enjoyed the
video and the demos. Let me know your thoughts. I'd love to hear thoughts, comments, questions,
et cetera. Put them in the comment section below. Give the video a thumbs up as you always
do and make sure you subscribe, tell your friends about the channel and hit the little
bell so you get notifications on when new videos are out. Thank you again for watching.
I look forward to seeing you in the next video
very soon.
Yeah, I mean, the frame that sits about there where [inaudible]