- Unfortunately, it can be very easy
to take advantage of people who were traumatized as kids
and make them think that some uncomfortable
or painful situation will lead to them somehow being loved.
I mean, love is something we all want so much, right?
But I'm talking about certain new age
or personal development ideas out there
that are totally common and widely believed,
but that are really not true.
So just for a quick example,
the idea that everything you experience,
you created unconsciously with your mind
so that you could learn from it or something.
And I know this is an idea
held very innocently by many people,
just, they're just trying to take responsibility
for their thoughts,
they're not trying to manipulate anyone.
But when someone has had their perception messed with,
which is often the case with people with childhood PTSD,
ideas like this can become a kind of magical thinking
that leaves the door wide open
to people who love to push these ideas
so that they can take something from you,
your money, your hopes for our relationship with them,
and then totally let you down
and even tell you that you created the situation
because you wanted it
and they were just helping you or something, right?
Have you ever had someone play that game on you?
Aargh and maybe you went along with the magical thinking
because thinking that you created some terrible situation
is a little easier and maybe less humiliating
than facing that you're actually being
emotionally ripped off
and that the right thing to do is to get out of there
because this person is a jerk actually.
They don't care about you.
You're both using magical thinking
to keep you from seeing the obvious,
which maybe you don't wanna see 'cause it scares you
and makes you feel foolish,
but it's that you're actually not loved, but alone.
You thought you were gonna be loved, but you're not.
You're alone again.
I'm Anna Runkle, also known as The Crappy Childhood Fairy
and I teach people how to recover
from the adult effects of abuse and neglect in childhood
and how to develop a BS detector
that enables you to, yes, learn new ideas
and listen to people,
but not get sucked into their magical thinking
that's gonna cost you all your boundaries
and that good openhearted possibility of love
that's inside you.
And I wanna show you how to protect that hope
and that tenderness in you
because that is the thing
that someone's going to fall in love with someday.
Not because you're so good
at going along with bad situations,
but because you are you.
You're your real worthy of respect self
and that you thrives in reality.
That you does not like dishonesty and instead wants truth
and here's that little voice inside
when something doesn't feel right.
That you, okay, that you is fed by love and goodness,
not unkindness and definitely
not some complicated, spiritualized explanation
of why it's actually good for you to be used by somebody
'cause it's not.
Okay, so let's talk about a few of these toxic ideas
so you can watch out for them.
You hear them all the time.
They tend to sound profound or like ancient wisdom,
but usually, well, they're counterintuitive
because they are counterintuitive.
They're actually too good to be true, okay.
So the first is when people challenge
the way you're thinking,
or the fact that you're thinking
by saying, hey, you're all up in your head,
or you need to be more in your body,
or you need to just breathe,
or you need to be in the moment,
or you're just being all left-brained about this.
And I just want you to look at the pattern here.
What these all are, is criticisms of you.
Someone who wants you to go along with something,
finds your need for clarity
and thinking things through difficult for them.
There's this implication that you're just not evolved
or free enough like they are.
Do you know this kind of person?
And when you feel criticized,
I think everybody has this,
there's this little moment
where you're tempted to override your own better judgment
so that you get that person's approval.
So there's pressure to not be in your head.
In other words, to abandon what is logical
like being careful with your money,
or being guarded with your sexuality.
It's so basic, but it's so persuasive
and this is exactly how you can be talked out
of your natural sense of self-determination
and self protection
into doing things that you just don't wanna do.
And then even to feel ashamed
about any reservation you had.
Listen, you don't need to feel ashamed.
What's at work here is what I call crapfit.
And that's a word I made up
for the way that people who went through trauma as kids,
get way too good at fitting themselves
to unacceptable people and situations,
fitting themselves to crap, crapfit,
because that's what we had to do
back when we were kids, right?
But now your crapfit reflex
has you hiding the thoughts where you're thinking,
aargh, I don't wanna sleep with this person,
or aargh, I don't think I should give them my credit card.
And the only thing that makes you override those feelings,
is a deep down belief that you just can't trust yourself.
You can't trust your judgment,
that other people they just must know better.
Okay, another new age myth.
You are right where you need to be.
Now, I know, I understand what the meaning behind this
is supposed to be Life's a journey,
there's suffering, we learn from it.
That part's all true,
but insisting that we're always where we need to be,
well, first of all, it just kind of falls apart
when you try to apply it to say an abused child,
or someone who spent the last 30 years
of their life in front of a television,
well, it's just obviously not true.
And I just wanna tell you flat out,
you have often been not at all where you need to be.
When you were crying
and no one came to help you when you were little,
that wasn't where you needed to be.
And when you were mocked
by your classmates for being different,
or when you were crippled by your own triggers
and unable to break out of isolation,
you weren't where you needed to be.
And in the same way,
being in some so-called relationship
where you don't get to have expectations,
you know what I'm gonna say.
It's not where you need to be.
You weren't made for that.
Suffering and pain are part of life
and can't be avoided entirely.
And with a little grace,
we can endure hardship and loss and even grow through it,
but please get over this idea that being demeaned
would ever be sent to you for your own good.
You hear this one a lot around bad relationships.
A really wonderful student of mine
shared this thought the other day,
where she she described a past relationship
as really good for her,
but a really hurtful relationship.
And I didn't get it
and I asked her about it and she said,
she felt like maybe this man
who had treated her badly was sent by the universe
so that she could learn from the experience.
And I mean, I kind of get it.
I see the little tiny kernel of truth here
that sometimes we're so far off base
that it's only through a terrible experience
that we will course correct
and get clear about what we really want.
So yeah, that part's true, sure,
but it's not true like time after time
where you suffer and suffer through relationships.
I can't tell you how many times people I've coached
were in some horrible situation
where they were hoping for love
and what they got instead was to be cheated on,
gas lit and left
and they ended up more hurt
than they were when they first met the person
who treated them like that.
And that's not learning
and it's not a gift from the universe, okay?
It's crapfit.
It's you trying to make sense of absolute crap,
hiding from your own shame about it,
not being straight with yourself
and I'm telling you if you're willing
to second guess yourself about bad treatment,
people who treat people badly
will have a funny way of showing up at your door.
So if what you want is a loving, committed relationship,
or let's be specific, a marriage,
crapfit has no place in your life.
Relationships that leave you feeling ripped off
and demoralized are not learning experiences.
They're crushing you.
They're sabotaging the happy openness that is you
and that's the part that people fall in love with.
So you being freely yourself,
that's what we're trying to get to.
If you're not clear
about what constitutes a good person or a good relationship,
that's got to be your first order of business
because your vagueness
is where the bad people get in like fly.
The door is wide open,
there's no screen door, right?
So you've got to get out of vagueness.
You've got to be clear what your actual standards are.
What kinds of behaviors in other people
need to be a red line for you?
Like no cross, right?
Don't let that into your life.
One thing that used to be a problem for me
is I had a blind spot around people's addictions,
at first, anyway.
I couldn't see it at first
and twice I ended up in relationships
with people who developed,
or in one case already had a serious addiction
and it was a nightmare for me.
And if you've taken any of my courses,
you heard the story of how my life got dragged down by that
and how I eventually got my life back.
And one of the most important things I did,
which happened not very long before I met the man
that I'm now married to,
was I made a decision that I would never again
date someone with a drug or alcohol problem.
And no judgment on those of you
who are struggling with addictions right now,
I'm glad you're here,
this is a place of recovery and you are in the right place,
but I knew that after all I'd been through with addicts
and alcoholics in my family of origin
and then dating relationships,
that for me that was gonna have to be a red line
and that's not who I was gonna date anymore
and I wrote it down.
And I was almost afraid to do that, to declare it
because of another new age myth
that had gotten into my head
and it had been preventing me from being clear like that.
And it was this one, be careful what you wish for.
I didn't think I believed it,
but I had absorbed this idea that some people have
that you can tell the universe what you want
and then it will give it to you.
But that it's a cruel and capricious universe,
or the idea that God himself
is just waiting for you to wish for the wrong thing
and then bam, you wanted someone who was loyal,
you got a stalker.
Or you wanted someone who liked adventure,
oh no, she ran off with a skydiving instructor.
You forgot to ask for the rest of it, right?
That's the myth.
And again, I get the point that sometimes
we haven't yet developed a clear picture of what we want,
but God or the universe is not just sitting there
waiting to F with you
and teach you a lesson about your little wishes
and how they weren't done right.
I'm a person who believes in God as most of you know
and if you don't believe in God,
I just encourage you to translate what I'm gonna say
to something that makes sense for you
and fits your experience.
But what we're created for is for good
and I knew when I hit bottom
with the second drug addict boyfriend I had,
he died actually,
and I knew that I was not at all where I was meant to be
and that if I was gonna be in a relationship,
it needed to support the good that was already in me.
And it needed to support my potential
and that I would know if a man was the right one for me
by the sign that his presence made my life better,
that I became better.
And I knew that needed to work two ways
that he would know it was good,
if he became a better version of himself
when he was around me.
So I was never mistreated.
I was never disrespected.
I was never ashamed of being with the man
who's now my husband.
And that's what God wants for me,
is to be loved and befriended and treated well.
And look at all that's happened for me
since my circumstances changed back then.
Now I get to be here with you.
So the universe, it's not a slot machine,
it's not amazon.com.
You don't place orders
and then see if you got ripped off by a sneaky deity.
What I'm teaching here is that if trauma made you vulnerable
and unsure of yourself,
it's time to become clearer and stronger
so that you can live your life in a good way
that leads to your own happiness
and the fulfillment of all that you can be,
all can bring to this great big community of life.
So if you wanna learn more about healing your perception
when it's been damaged by trauma,
you might wanna check out this video right here
and I will see you very well.
(ethereal music)