DONALD TRUMP (ON TV): They have phony witch
hunts going against me.
They have everything going--
and you know what?
SAMANTHA (VOICEOVER): That's it, no more bunker funk!
I need answers-- real answers.
Stay focused.
Oh my god, no!
No.
No time for puppies.
SAMANTHA (VOICEOVER): I knew exactly who to talk to.
I just gotta get to her!
[GRUNTING]
Damn it.
[PHONE BLEEPING]
Metaphor time.
[SHATTERING]
Ow!
Sam?
Yeah?
You have a glass in your hair.
Oh.
[RATTLING]
Oh, that's better. - Good.
- Thank you. - Better.
OK, we're approximately six months in.
It's only been six months?
It's only been six months.
I am exhausted.
I am personally broken.
People come up to me all the time
and they're like, what do I do, what do I do, help me!
So my question to you is, what should I tell them?
You get in the fight, and then you fight as hard as you can.
- But what does that mean? - Oh, come on.
- Ugh. - You know what it means.
Do I?
It means that when you're told to be quiet,
you don't sit down and be quiet.
You stand back up.
I feel like you're so enthusiastic.
I am!
I feel like you think that we're
going to come out of this better than when we started.
Yes.
What?
And you know why?
Tell me.
Because we don't have any choice.
OK.
You've spent your whole life fighting for the working class.
And the guy who wants to dismantle economic protections
for those people actually won.
Do you ever feel like, you know what?
Fuck those people.
No, never.
This is who I am.
This is-- this is my family.
This is how I grew up.
And yeah, Donald Trump lied to them.
Lied to their faces.
But the answer is then point it out, hold him accountable,
and offer him something better.
OK.
You got a lot of political capital out
of Mitch McConnell telling you to be quiet.
Yeah.
Was that a fun moment for you?
Ye-- no.
It was one of those moments where you just think, really?
You're going to shut me down for reading
Coretta Scott King's letter?
Who else can you score points off for being rude to you?
Like, how can I turn "unfunny feminist battleaxe"
into a cool meme for myself?
- Hey, best revenge? - Mm-hmm?
Just enjoy it.
What else you got?
"Wannabe Daniel Tosh?
Oh, actually that is a little low.
OK, keep going.
"Canadian lunch lady arms."
Well, take that in a good way.
You know what, Mrs. Sunshine?
Interpret "Canadian lunch lady arms" in a positive manner
from me.
Strong and nourishing.
Shut the front door!
my cynicism is not backing down from your blind optimism.
My optimism is not blind.
I see exactly what's going on.
Let's try something.
Let's say I'm on the ledge of the death of democracy,
and I have one phone call.
I'm gonna call you.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Senator Warren, this is Samantha Bee.
Hi, Samantha.
I'm just on the ledge of the death of democracy.
I was just wondering, can you talk me off of it?
Yeah.
Samantha. - Mm-hmm?
You're strong.
Sorry, you're breaking up.
Come on-- you're strong.
Is that your call waiting?
When we put our voices together--
Hello?
- Samantha. - Hello?
You hang on to that phone.
Don't you get me that, I've played that game.
You hold on to that phone.
Sorry, can I put you on hold for one sec?
No.
I'm still here.
Hey!
Hey, Beyonce!
Oh, twins!
Oh my god, send me some photos.
I'm just on the phone with Elizabeth Warren.
It's amazing, she's so good!
Oh, I know. I know.
I know.
Kiss the babies.
Kiss thos babies!
You kiss those little Beyonce babies!
OK, OK, OK, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Hello?
Hello!
Is that Beyonce?
- No. - OK.
Let's get down to brass tacks.
Are you running, or are you not? - I'm not.
You gonna be part of the hot 70 over 70?
I am running.
I'm running in 2018 for Senate for Massachusetts.
This shit is broken.
I need you to fix it.
SAMANTHA (VOICEOVER): And one last question
before the end times come.
After a hard day at my job, I like to go home,
bite down on a rolled-up towel and scream.
How do you relax?
- I like to watch a little TV. - OK.
"Ballers."
"Ballers"?
It's actually a story about--
about hard work.
It's a story about perseverance.
It's a story about having to reach within yourself
and find something that you're not 100% sure is there.
We're talking about "Ballers"?
You bet.
That's so interesting that you say that.
Yes?
We don't want you to leave here without a gift.
SAMANTHA (VOICEOVER): That's when I gave her the second most
jacked star of "Ballers," my friend Rob Corddry,
and discovered she's got a massive crush
on Dwayne Johnson.
After six months of living hell, I witnessed pure happiness.
They're going to wrap me up in some nice gift wrapping,
and I'll be by the front door. Dwayne and I.
Great!
Come on, put a shirt on, buddy.
Let's go.
Make sure I poke an air hole in your wrapping.
I just want to thank you so much for being here.
I have to tell you, I was actually
very nervous about this.
Bit I think it went quite well.
Nevertheless, you persisted.
[GASPING]
You did it!
I did.
Don't go away.
We have another whole act after the break.
It's about vaginas!
[MUSIC PLAYING]