- Started dating and stuff.
I remember when I first started dating
I had fell in love with this one dude.
Oh my God I loved him so much.
I know I had to love him
cause he didn't have no good job or nothing, like.
(audience laughing)
I used to let him drive my car and everything like woo.
He was hitting corners in my Geo Metro.
(audience laughing)
I loved him, I really did, I did.
And he cheated on me and everything.
Like, I didn't know at first,
cause like I was so done.
You know when you were in your early twenties
it's like a dude could tell you anything
you'd be like, okay.
You be like um.
Like it was my birthday
and he had dropped me off at his grandma's house
he said he had a job interview.
He was gonna go to the job interview
and come back and pick me up.
And that motherfucker didn't show up 'til the next day.
And I was like, Oh my God, what happened to you?
And he was like, Oh, I had got pulled over by the police.
And I was like, yeah, that's right.
(audience laughing)
Fucking stupid.
A few days later I went over to his house,
was really his mama house cause that's where he lived.
And he had a little video camera on the TV and stuff, right.
And I was like, Oh, let's make a movie,
let's get freaky and make a movie.
And I had started recording
and he had snatched the camera from me,
scratched my face,
I still have a scratch mark on my face from that day.
And I was like damn what's on the camera? Right.
And he was like, "you stay out of my fucking shit.
"Like don't be in my stuff."
And he took the tape out,
went down to the dumpster
threw the tape in the dumpster
and was like, "you stay out my stuff."
And then he tried to like get freaky with me, right.
And I was like,
oh you so crazy.
Started kissing him and stuff.
I was like, Ooh, I got a booboo
I'll be right back right.
I went to the bathroom,
stayed in there like 30 minutes came out
I was like, Oh, I'm sick,
I need to go home, I'mma go home.
So I got in my car and I drove around the block
like two times right.
And then I parked like two blocks away
and then I walked up to his apartment building
and it was raining,
this how I was having my next psychotic break,
this was my second psychotic break
because I fucking jumped in the dumpster
and was like fucking naynaying in that bitch
and fucking swimming,
looking for that motherfucking tape.
I milly walked all in that motherfucker.
Where the fuck is this tape at?
And I found it,
I found the tape and then I drove around
like for two, three hours
I drove around to different Rite Aids and CVS and stuff.
And Walgreens had just came out,
I was like, yeah they probably got it
cause I was looking for a adapter.
Cause you know that's when VHS was hot
and you know you put the little Highgate video type
in the VHS adapter and you put that in your VCR
and you can see what the fuck was going on right.
And I needed to know what the fuck is on that tape,
I needed to know what the fuck is on this tape.
I need to know
what the fuck
is on this tape,
I was losing it.
(audience laughing)
Now I'm driving all over the city.
I done drove out to the Valley,
a bitch almost made it to San Diego
looking for a fucking adapter to this tape right.
Then I couldn't find one
and then I called my home girl Anna
at like four o'clock in the morning,
I was like Anna, girl you got the same video camera he got,
let me borrow your video camera.
She's like, "Why?
"I don't know why, why do you want the video camera?"
I was like bitch, let me borrow the video camera,
I got a pack of Newports and some weed.
She was like, "bring your ass here girl come."
And I was like, here I come.
So I went over there right,
I went over there.
She gave me the video camera.
I went home,
I had me a bottle of Cisco,
this is how you know I'm fucking about to lose it.
Cisco make you fucking crazy.
Peach flavor too
'cause I'm classy.
(audience laughing)
I was sitting there, watching the tape
and then his dog face bitch
old yup mouth ass bitch come up.
she got them,
you know them chicks
that be having them big ass gums and little baby teeth.
I was like this old baby tooth bitch.
Who the fuck is,
I was trying to snatch her soul out the TV,
you understand me?
Look at this bitch.
(audience laughing)
I was so mad, I wanted revenge.
I didn't know what the fuck to do.
I was so mad.
And I wanted, like,
you know what normally you do
when you get revenge on a dude.
You put sugar in his gas tank,
slash his tires,
bust the windows out his car,
throw bleach on his clothes,
fuck up his shit some kind of way,
but he didn't have shit.
(audience laughing)
He didn't have shit.
But what he did have was a brand new pair of Jordans
he left at my house
and I was like, Oh shit.
I know what I'mma do.
And his name was Cornelius
so I went ahead and ate a gang of corn
and I got them Jordans and I squatted
I shitted right in them Jordans.
I shitted, I shitted in them Jordan's.
All the shit,
I put it all in them Jordans.
Made it fall to the front of the shoe
and I wiped off the edges and everything.
Put them back in the box,
went over to his place.
I was like, babe, we should go play basketball.
Let's go play basketball,
put your new Jordans on,
you gone be the shit on the court,
you put them Jordans on.
(audience laughing)
Everybody going to be jocking you boo.
He was like, all right baby girl
we're gone play some ball.
I was like, yeah lets play.
He put his foot in that shoe he was like
"what the fuck is in this shoe?
"Oh my God, somebody shitted in my shoe,
"it's human shit too,
"it's corn all in it."
(audience laughing)
"There's corn all in my fucking shoe,
"who did this shit?"
And I was in the doorway like,
yeah nigger.
All the shit you put me through
now you walking in it motherfucker.
(audience laughing)