>> Stephen: HELLO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
WELCOME TO -- "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M HEAR WITH EVIE HERE TO KICK OFF THE YEAR IN STYLE.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
IT'S GETTING TO BE A VERY SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP AT THIS
POINT.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
2020 IS OVER!
ALL THAT BADNESS IS FINALLY BEHIND US, AND WE'RE OFF TO A
FRESH START WITH A RAGING PANDEMIC, AND A PRESIDENT WHO'S
TRYING TO STEAL THE ELECTION.
TURNS OUT, 2020 IS DROPPING SOME BONUS TRACKS!
CASE IN POINT: YESTERDAY, WE GOT A HOT NEW RECORDING OF A
JAW-DROPPING PHONE CALL BETWEEN THE PRESIDENT AND GEORGIA
SECRETARY OF STATE, AND MAN TAPING A HOSTAGE VIDEO FROM A
LAQUINTA, BRAD RAFFENSPERGER.
AS SECRETARY OF STATE, RAFFENSPERGER OVERSAW GEORGIA'S
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, AS WELL AS ITS RECOUNT, AS WELL AS THE
RECOUNT OF THE RECOUNT, EACH OF WHICH VERIFIED THAT BIDEN WON
THE STATE.
SO, SATURDAY, THE PRESIDENT GOT HIM ON THE PHONE TO CONVINCE
HIM THAT NUH-UH!
NOW, BUCKLE UP, BECAUSE THIS CALL IS LIKE IF WATERGATE AND
THE UKRAINE SCANDAL HAD A BABY ON THE "ACCESS HOLLYWOOD"
BUS.
WHEN YOU'RE A STAR, THEY LET YOU.
THE PRESIDENT BEGAN THE CALL WITH HARD DATA: RALLY!
>> IF WE COULD JUST GO OVER SOME OF THE NUMBERS, I THINK IT'S
PRETTY CLEAR THAT WE WON.
WE WON VERY SUBSTANTIALLY IN GEORGIA.
YOU EVEN SEE IT BY RALLY SIZE FRANKLY.
WE'D BE GETTING 25-30,000 PEOPLE A RALLY.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE.
ONE PROBLEM: RALLY SIZE DOES NOT DECIDE AN ELECTION.
THAT'S WHY ON THE 20TH, WE WON'T BE SWEARING IN PRESIDENT BTS.
MY FELLOW AMERICANS, THE STATE OF OUR UNION IS--
♪♪♪ NOT SURE -- I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
THAT'S A HEART.
THIS IS A HEART, AND THEY DO THAT.
I'VE MET THE GUYS.
VERY NICE.
LOVELY FELLAS.
THEY DON'T DO THIS, THOUGH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING.
BUT HERE'S THE THING -- HE MAKES A GOOD POINT.
BIDEN, FOR SOME REASON, HELD VERY FEW IN-PERSON RALLIES.
BUT THE PRESIDENT'S EVENTS WERE SO BIG THEY WENT VIRAL!
NOW EVERYONE HAS MAGA FEVER!
EVEN THOUGH THE PRESIDENT KNOWS HE WON, HE ALSO KNEW EXACTLY HOW
MUCH HE LOST: >> THE CURRENT MARGIN IS ONLY
11,779.
SO, LOOK, ALL I WANT TO DO IS THIS: I JUST WANT TO FIND 11,780
VOTES, WHICH IS ONE MORE THAN WE HAVE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL HE WANTS.
HE JUST WANTS THEM TO "FIND" EXACTLY HOW
MANY VOTES HE NEEDS TO WIN BY ONE!
NOTHING FISHY ABOUT THAT.
WHO AMONG US HASN'T FOUND SOMETHING IN AN OLD SUIT POCKET:
"HEY, HONEY!
WHIN'S THE LAST TIME I WORE THIS SUIT?
IT TURNS OUT I'M PRESIDENT!" THE PRESIDENT GOT MORE DESPERATE
FROM THERE: >> SO, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO
HERE FOLKS?
I ONLY NEED 11,000 VOTES.
FELLAS, I NEED 11,000 VOTES.
GIVE ME A BREAK.
>> STEPHEN: OH, YOU'RE GETTING A BREAK ON JANUARY 20!
A LONG ONE!
YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO FIND THE VOTES!
MAYBE THEY'RE WITH BARACK OBAMA'S LONG-FORM BIRTH
CERTIFICATE.
BUT THE PRESIDENT DID HAVE SOME EVIDENCE: IF BY "SOME" YOU MEAN
"NONE."
>> DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT THEY SHREDDED BALLOTS IN
FULTON COUNTY?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE RUMOR IS.
>> STEPHEN: SO, THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF OF THE UNITED
STATES, A MAN WHO HAS THE WORLD'S GREATEST
INTELLIGENCE APPARATUS AT HIS DISPOSAL, IS NOW JUST CALLING UP
TO GAB ABOUT RUMORS.
THAT EXPLAINS THE NEW PRESIDENTIAL COMMISSION
INVESTIGATING "IF YOU EAT POP ROCKS AND SODA, DOES YOUR
TUMMY EXPLODE?" IT DOES.
IT DOES.
DON'T DO IT, KIDS.
DON'T.
THE PRESIDENT ALSO HAD A CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT THE
VOTING MACHINES USED IN GEORGIA MADE BY A COMPANY NAMED
"DOMINION."
>> THAT'S WHAT THE RUMOR IS.
AND ALSO THAT DOMINION TOOK OUT MACHINES.
THAT DOMINION IS REALLY MOVING FAST TO GET RID OF THEIR, UH,
MACHINERY.
DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?
BECAUSE THAT'S ILLEGAL, RIGHT?
>> THIS IS RYAN GERMANY.
NO, DOMINION HAS NOT MOVED ANY MACHINERY OUT OF FULTON COUNTY.
>> BUT HAVE THEY MOVED THE INNER PARTS OF THE MACHINES AND
REPLACED THEM WITH OTHER PARTS?
>> NO.
>> STEPHEN: IF HE WANTS TO STEAL AN ELECTION, HE REALLY NEEDS TO
SOUND LESS LIKE YOUR GRANDPA COMPLAINING ABOUT HIS PHONE.
"THERE USED TO BE A BUTTON ON THE BOTTOM, NOW IT USES MY FACE.
WHAT DID THEY DO WITH THE BUTTON?
DID THEY HIDE IT WITH THE BALLOTS INSIDE THOSE VOTING
MACHINES?" GOD, I HOPE THEY DON'T HIDE MY
FACE.
NOW, THE PRESIDENT ALSO RE-UPPED THE THEORY THAT DEAD PEOPLE
VOTED, AND RAFFENSPERGER HIT HIM WITH A REAL-TIME FACT CHECK:
>> THE OTHER THING, DEAD PEOPLE.
SO, DEAD PEOPLE VOTED, AND I THINK THE NUMBER IS CLOSE TO
5,000 PEOPLE.
>> THE ACTUAL NUMBER WERE TWO.
TWO.
TWO PEOPLE THAT WERE DEAD THAT VOTED.
SO, THAT'S WRONG.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, THAT'S A PRETTY BIG DIFFERENCE.
IMAGINE IF "THE SIXTH SENSE" WENT LIKE THIS:
>> I SEE DEAD PEOPLE-- BUT JUST TWO!
>> STEPHEN: RAFFENSPERGER ALSO CAUTIONED THE PRESIDENT NOT TO
BELIEVE EVERYTHING HE READS ON THE INTERNET:
>> MR. PRESIDENT, THE PROBLEM YOU HAVE WITH SOCIAL MEDIA,
THEY-- PEOPLE CAN SAY ANYTHING.
>> OH, THIS ISN'T SOCIAL MEDIA.
THIS IS TRUMP MEDIA.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, HE'S NOT GETTING IT FROM SOCIAL MEDIA!
HE'S GETTING IT FROM RELIABLE SOURCES, LIKE
EAGLE-FLUFFER69@PARLER.BIZ!
EAGLE FLUFFER HAS SOME SHOCKING REVELATIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE RAFFENSPERGER SEEMED
HESITANT TO UNDERMINE DEMOCRACY, THE PRESIDENT GAVE HIM SOME P.R.
ADVICE.
>> THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH SAYING, YOU KNOW, UM, THAT
YOU'VE RECALCULATED.
>> STEPHEN: YES, STEALING AND RECALCULATING ARE TOTALLY
DIFFERENT!
JUST LIKE THAT SCENE IN "PULP FICTION!"
>> EVERYBODY BE COOL, THIS IS A RECALCULATION.
>> STEPHEN: AT ONE POINT, THE PRESIDENT GOT SO DESPERATE
HE EVEN RESORTED TO FLATTERY WITH RAFFENSPERGER'S LAWYER,
RYAN GERMANY.
>> WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO FIND THIS, RYAN?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
I HEARD YOUR LAWYER IS VERY DIFFICULT, ACTUALLY, BUT I'M
SURE YOU'RE A GOOD LAWYER.
YOU HAVE A NICE LAST NAME.
>> STEPHEN: FIRST OF ALL, I'LL REMIND YOU, THE GUY'S NAME IS
"GERMANY."
THE PRESIDENT, OF COURSE, IS A BIG FAN OF GERMANY.
HE BELIEVES THERE WERE VERY FINE LAWYERS ON BOTH SIDES.
SECONDLY, HE EVIDENTLY THINKS YOU'RE GOOD AT YOUR JOB IF YOUR
NAME IS SOMETHING HE LIKES.
EXPLAINS WHY HIS NEW PHYSICIAN IS DR. ONIONRINGS MCJIGGLEJUGGZ,
M. DOUBLE-D.
THROUGHOUT THE CALL, RAFFENSPERGER AND GERMANY WERE
EXTREMELY PATIENT WITH THE SAD LOSER.
AT ONE POINT, GERMANY TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT PEOPLE WHO HAD
MOVED OUT OF GEORGIA WERE, IN FACT, LEGALLY VOTING IN THE
STATE, FOR A VERY SIMPLE REASON: >> EVERY ONE WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
ARE PEOPLE THAT LIVED IN GEORGIA, MOVED TO A DIFFERENT
STATE, BUT THEN MOVED BACK TO GEORGIA LEGITIMATELY.
AND IN MANY CASES-- >> HOW MAY PEOPLE DO THAT?
THEY MOVED OUT, AND THEN THEY SAID, "AH, TO HELL WITH IT, I'LL
MOVE BACK."
YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A VERY NORMAL-- YOU MEAN, THEY
MOVED OUT, AND WHAT, THEY MISSED IT SO MUCH THAT THEY
WANTED TO MOVE BACK IN?
IT'S CRAZY.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S NOT CRAZY.
IT'S VERY NICE THERE!
PEOPLE GO BACK TO GEORGIA.
IN FACT, THEY'RE KIND OF KNOWN FOR IT!
OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, I CAN THINK OF AT LEAST THREE SONGS
ABOUT PEOPLE MOVING BACK TO GEORGIA: "GEORGIA ON MY MIND,"
"MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO GEORGIA," AND "WALKIN' BACK TO GEORGIA."
HE DIDN'T WAIT FOR THE TRAIN.
HE WALKED!
THAT'S NOT EVEN MENTIONING "THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA."
AND I'M SURE YOU'RE SAYING, "STEPHEN, SURE, THE DEVIL WENT
DOWN TO GEORGIA, BUT HE DIDN'T COME BACK TO GEORGIA."
OH, REALLY?
TELL THAT TO THE ACTUAL 1993 SEQUEL, FEATURING CHARLIE
DANIELS, "THE DEVIL COMES BACK TO GEORGIA."
HE MOVED BACK TO SAVANNAH SO HE COULD VOTE FOR BIDEN.
YEAH, HE'S THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS, BUT HE'S VERY
CONCERNED ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING.
IF THE EARTH'S ALREADY ON FIRE HELL IS NOT GOING TO SEEM THAT
IMPRESSIVE.
WHEN THE PRESIDENT'S CHARM DIDN'T MOVE RAFFENSPERGER, HE
SWITCHED TO EXTORTION THREATENING GEORGIA'S SECRETARY
OF STATE WITH PROSECUTION IF HE AND HIS LAWYER DIDN'T GIVE IN:
>> YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID AND YOU'RE NOT REPORTING IT.
THAT'S A-- THAT'S A CRIMINAL OFFENSE.
AND, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN.
THAT'S A BIG RISK TO YOU AND TO RYAN, YOUR LAWYER.
THAT'S A BIG RISK.
>> STEPHEN: THAT IS A BIG RISK.
YOU COULD END UP BEING THE PRESIDENT'S CELLMATE.
BECAUSE THIS CALL IS PROBABLY ILLEGAL.
A FORMER JUSTICE DEPARTMENT INSPECTOR GENERAL TWEETED,
"UNLESS THERE ARE PORTIONS OF THE TAPE THAT SOMEHOW NEGATE
CRIMINAL INTENT, 'I JUST WANT TO FIND 11,780 VOTES' AND HIS
THREATS AGAINST RAFFENSPERGER AND HIS COUNSEL VIOLATE 52 U.S.
CODE 20511."
ADDING, "HIS BEST DEFENSE WOULD BE INSANITY."
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
MAY I PRESENT EXHIBIT A: >> PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA,
TV.
>> STEPHEN: PERFECTLY SANE.
SO, POTUS IS DESPERATE TO HOLD ON TO HIS JOB, WHICH IS-- I'M
NOT SURE EXACTLY.
IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE HE'S DONE IT.
TODAY HIS ACTUAL PUBLIC SCHEDULE READS, "THE PRESIDENT WILL WORK
FROM EARLY IN THE MORNING UNTIL LATE IN THE EVENING.
HE WILL MAKE MANY CALLS AND HAVE MANY MEETINGS."
THAT READS LIKE WHAT A TODDLER THINKS THE PRESIDENT DOES.
"TUESDAY, JANUARY 5.
I WILL MAKE MANY CALLS AND MEETINGS, WEAR A DADDY SUIT
USE THE BIG BOY POTTY-- TWICE-- I AM SMART AND STRONG AND HAVE
THE NUCLEAR CODES."
LISTENING TO THIS CALL REALLY MAKES YOU FEEL FOR GUYS ON THE
RECEIVING END.
I'M GUESSING HE KNEW WHAT WAS COMING BECAUSE BEFORE THEY
FINALLY CONNECTED ON SATURDAY THE WHITE HOUSE MADE 18 ATTEMPTS
TO CALL HIM.
"A LATE SHOW" HAS REQUIRED AUDIO OF THE PRESIDENT'S FIRST 17
CALLS TO RAFFENSPERGER.
( RINGING ) >> YOU'VE REACHED GEORGIA
SECRETARY OF STATE BRADDED RAFFENSPERGER.
PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AT THE BEEP.
>> HELLO, BRAD.
THIS IS DONALD TRUMP.
I JUST WANT TO FIND 11,780 VOTES.
CALL ME BACK.
( BEEPING ) BRAD, GUESS WHO.
DEAD PEOPLE VOTED.
ME -- AGAIN.
PICK UP, PICK UP, PICK UP.
HELLO, THIS IS BIG JIM -- ARE YOU THERE?
( BEEPING ) I DON'T LIKE YOU.
YOU'RE A LOSER.
CALL ME.
PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA -- BRAD -- PICK UP THE PHONE --
THIS IS DONALD -- >> THE MAILBOX YOU'RE TRYING TO
REACH IS FULL -- OF CRAP.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE STACEY ABRAMS AND RuPAUL.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪